My stepdaughters' mother abandoned them a year ago....?

Question

My husband has had custody of them for 4 years and the girls would see their mom 2 times a month. A year ago, their mother left and they have not seen her since. They talked to her a couple of times and she even wanted to get custody of them b/c she said she had gotten her life together. The day before they were supposed to see her, she changed her mind and told us we can have the girls and shes done. That was this past January. My stepdaughters are really acting out and they are so hurt. The youngest is 6 and she cries about her mom almost every night. What can I do as a step parent? How can I explain this to them? They really want an explanation and we just dont know what to say

Thanks everybody for your great suggestions!

Answer 1

There is really no explanation that would work for a 6 yr old that wouldn't add to the hurt and confusion. I suggest counseling. Also, I would limit the phone calls and talk time the Mom has with the girls. It seems to only be making it worse.

Answer 2

To be totally honest, you would be kind of ****** to just leave. You're 30, you are plenty mature enough to be an adult about the situation and just be nice to your ex. There is a reason you aren't together anymore, yes, so now that you both can find new people, it's time to be the bigger person. And if she isn't nice back, don't feel shot down- feel good because you were the bigger person and were able to be nice to her. Even if you don't want to. Being the bigger person will always be the absolute best thing to do. Think about how your daughter would feel if you suddenly just walks out of her life? She needs a dad figure and it's you. Do not ruin that for her. These type of things between parents and divorced parents are the reasons children grow up rebelling and doing things simply because their parents showed them how to take things out on others and not handle things maturely. Stay in her life. No matter how it is- you have to just be kind and humble towards your ex. In time, she will learn to do the same.

Answer 3

Sometimes there is no explanation. This is one of those. All you can do is be there and show them that no matter how bad they act you still love them. Remove the word "step" from your vocabulary. From here on out, they are your daughters.If better explanation is required, say "my husband's daughters". Let them know that they do not have to call you "mom" but that you love them so much, from now as far as you are concerned they are your babies too. Talkl to your husband and consider terminating mom's legal rights and consider adoption. I know this is difficult, but given time and a loving stable home, they will be better. But no amount of time, love and hugs will ever make them completely whole again. I regret that any child or parent has to deal with such a thing.

Answer 4

well, the only thing you can do, is give them the love and support they need right now. In their mother's place, you need to spill your love all over them, because they feel rejected, neglected, abandoned, and probably worthless right now.
you can't really explain it to them in the way they will understand, fully, but maybe keep it generalized, for the time being, and let them know that their mother is not well, or that she's having a difficult time right now...something very basic, that doesn't show that it had to do with the kids. It's too bad that the mother felt she had to do this to her kids, without taking into consideration how they would feel. It's a shame that it's left in your hands to deal with them now, with their pain.
I would just have to say that as long as you express more love towards them, than you typically would, then that would be some form of comfort for them, until they're old enough to fully understand what the entire situation was, with their mother.
It's a sad case, and I feel terrible that you have to deal with this.
I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

Crappy biological parents make a lot of promises they don't keep partly because they want it to be true and partly because they don't want to feel like real losers. It really tears kids up though. Try not to share everything mom says. It only hurts them. Imagine, you struggle to explain why mom dumped them, then next week she shows up contradicting everything you said. She's the Disneyland mama and you are the bad guys who lied!!! It's better to say "I don't know, sweetheart, what do you think?"

Ask your husband to get more involved too. Try to do more "family" things even if it's playing board games at night. It will help them bond to you and your home which will make mom's promises less important.

Thank you for loving these little ones as your own. I've raised my niece since she was 12 (now 17 1/2) and early on she started calling me mom. So did some of my foster kids. It's comforting for some kids. So don't correct them if they call you mom.

Good Luck

Answer 6

I agree mostly with the first answer but would add it's a good idea to tell the children that 'mommy isn't well' and if she gets well she'll realize she's making a mistake. That way they may not take it so personally.

I was abandoned for a year as a child so I know the feeling, and I was younger. It leaves a scar but I had the best relationship with my mom later than I think most people have. Good luck.:-)

Answer 7

Hello Samantha J.
These girls are blessed to have someone as understanding as you.
Sometimes children think they have done something wrong and this is the reason mum left.
They need to be told it is not their fault.
They also need to hear that mum still loves you but she cannot take care of you, so you are with Dad and I and you are safe with us we love you and I am your friend,if you want to talk I am here to listen to you.
Both of your parents still love you , your mum carries love for you in her heart just the same as you have your love for her in your heart
That has not gone and it never can.
Children need to know that they are loved and safe.
Let them know that God gives them a brand new day each morning and they need to get the best out of it by looking at the nice things which happened through out their day
Get them a little journal and as they hop into bed each night write down 5 things which happened during their day that they have to be thankful for.
Take care!.

Answer 8

Tell them every thing happens for a reason, and that you always be side them. my friend got abandoned by her mom, she says it takes a lot of time to over come it. They just need some time to heal the broken heart just make sure you there when they need you.

Answer 9

Hold them close to you and let them tell you everything they feel about their mother.

Assure them that they are not the cause of her leaving and there is nothing at all wrong with them as individuals. Tell them you love them very much and that you're so happy to be able to be with them and watch them grow up into beautiful adult people.

Answer 10

i dont knw how well u can accept this...but what i feel is u should treat them as ur own daughters rather than considering them as step daughters......give them infinite love and care...when they talk abt their mom, listen patiently and console them...they will be fine in few days!!