I need help. I can't stop crying. I have cuts all over my body?

Question

I was raped when I was 9.
Now I'm 22 and I usually get myself into trouble.
There are times that I get the feeling that I like to be abused sexually. I look for people who would hurt me and then after they've abused me I cry and hate myself and would usually cut myself.
I can't disguss this (relationships with abusers) with my psychologist because I'm not ok about it and I feel humiliated if I do.
What's wrong with me?
I know I have to tell my psychologist but I can't find the courage.

yes this is real.

I asked it here because no one knows me.

I've already told my psychologist about the rape. The relationships with the abusers is hard for me to talk about.

I don't think I'm worthy enough to pray. God has many people who pray to him. People who are nice and worthy.

Answer 1

Sounds like you may have borderline personality disorder. A LOT of people have it - I do as well. Its a collection of symptoms that develop usually in response to a traumatic event in childhood such as physical or sexual abuse. It includes the self-harm and can include suicidal behaviour.

I would ask your psychologist about the possibility of doing a course of dialetic behaviour therapy (DBT) specifically for self-harming borderline (or non-borderline) people. There are also some medications that can curb your self-harming behaviour such as naltrexone.

With regards to your comments about liking being sexually abused. I am not sure its a case of liking or wanting it, I think it may have more to do with it being a comfortable type of relationship for you to have with other people because its what you know. I have been through that myself. Choosing people that hurt and abuse me because that's what I feel I deserve in someways. Absolutely not true and when you start to get further through your therapy you'll start to see that you are worth a hell of a lot more than that and will start to respect yourself enough not to put up with that kind of behaviour from other people.

Good luck.

Answer 2

If you can't tell your psychologist who can you tell? That's what they are there for; to help you. Do you feel comfortable with your psychologist? If so, talk about your problem. If not, get another one. You need to get this out in the open so you can start finding a solution. You're wasting your money going to a psychologist if you can't talk about a real problem that you have. You will feel a good release if you can just get it out in the open. Just start by saying, "I was raped when I was 9." That will break the ice and she/he can take it from there. I can see how you feel the way that you do. It wasn't your fault that you were abused. You were 9 years old. You had no idea what was about to happen. You are not to blame. If you have to, or want to, write it on a piece of paper. That way you won't have to say it. Okay?? If this person is someone you can talk to; you will be glad that you did.

Answer 3

Wow you have been through a lot. A hope you can find the courage to open up. Just know that the psychologist is there to help you, and will never tell a soul. Perhaps a letter will help you, you could write everything down seal it in an envelope and hand it to the doc. when you have your next meting. At least try it, or he she will have you doing some silly $#!+ with a doll or something. I probably should have erased that last part but be prepared for that part it will come up. Good luck and remember not everyone is an @$$#013.

Answer 4

You are nice and worthy. God looks after everyone. You havent done anything wrong, and being raped wasnt your fault. your were just a kid, and unfortunatelly the person who had done it to you had ruined your life. Do not feel ashamed to talk about it with your psychologist. They are used to hear different stories, and they dont judge people. And how it seems to me, you are just victim of your past, and probably in some way, you think, it is your fault, what happened to you and punish yourself for it by chosing wrong partners, and by cutting your self. I cut myself few days ago for being horrible to someone. So i know, how that feels. But ur psychologist is there for you, and can help you, you just have to tell him-her about it. Dont feel ashamed. there is nothing to be ashamed. Sooner you will tell him-her, sooner you will feel better.

Answer 5

How did you find the courage to ask it in here? I think it is because you cannot see the people you are asking and you don't feel so humiliated by this kind of confrontation. a Psychologist is a professional and if you don't think you could look at them and tell them what you just told us then just tell them "look I need to turn around and not look at you when I tell you this because it makes me feel more at ease to say what I need to say. I'm sure that your Dr. has been through worse case scenarios than that. You really need to talk to a Dr. you have been a victim of abuse and that has caused you to abuse yourself YOU were raped that is something that you have lived with all this time!! telling is is just the beginning you need therapy and I don't think we are qualified to give it. Please find the courage and tell your Dr. He/She will understand and if they don't then you need to find another Dr.!!

Answer 6

Here's one way that MAY HELP. First realize you've got to get it out so you can
have help to deal with it. If you haven't already, you'll probably turn to alcohol or drugs to keep blocking reality out and it will just get worse. Drinking never
makes problems go away -- they just get bigger and alcohol makes more problems -- same for drugs. SO HERE'S WHAT YOU DO [if you can't face up to telling your psychologist or a different one -- tell him there's something you
can't face up to telling him, then ask if you could make a tape, or tell it over the
phone or something. JUST A BEGINNING WILL HELP, just breaking the ice.
Also, try telling God in a prayer -- even if you don't believe in Him. Just do it
anyway and tell Him everything just like it really is! Then ask for the strength
to make the tape or a beginning to tell the therapist. And ask for Him to help
the therapist help you. DON'T WORRY about the sin part -- God WANTS to
help you and to get others to help you, but we have to admit we want the
help -- He understands it's embarrassing and so will the therapist. I love you,
greg

Answer 7

you need to talk to your psychologist ASAP, that is what they do they help people. Stop cutting yourself and all the other things this will not do any good. If you dont talk to people then they cant help you. I am so sorry this happened to you, I know how you feel I was raped when I was 17 .

Answer 8

Ouch. I can't imagine what you're dealing with, but it really does sound like you know exactly what you have to do, you're just afraid.

Your psychologist (If he/she's a good one) is THERE to listen to you. Try openning up, just a little bit at a time. You will feel better, I promise.

Answer 9

I hope you have gotten your abuser arrested and jail time.
You must tell your psychologist. Try writing a letter and handing it to her/him. You must tell them somehow, it is for you to heal.
That rapist has made you feel worthless and you seek others to abuse you because of that. Try not dating at all until you have started to heal from this.

Answer 10

You know that once you tell the psychologist that you will no longer be able to justify your actions. Tell him or her. Face what you fear. That weakens the stronghold that binds you to the horrible injustice you suffered. And will give you strength to move beyond it. Have been where you are.