How do I get married? What "we" want or what my parents want?

Question

I feel trapped and helpless! Somebody please give me some good advice! I just got engaged and this should be a happy time but its not! My parents are devout catholics and expect me to have a traditional catholic ceremony. They have no idea that I am no longer a practicing catholic, as I am too scared to tell them! My mother would be horrified if I didnt get married in the church! But my fiance' and I are not religious and we are busy people who run 3 businesses and dont have time for counseling and prep-classes and all the BS involved with a religious ceremony. Our dream is to get married on a cruiseship or somewhere outdoors. I hate the thought of putting my fiance' though all of this and making him get married in the church just to please MY parents! But I also hate the thought of hurting my mother! I am in a lose-lose situation and I need advice! What do I do? Stay true to myself or please the parents?

Answer 1

For most things, I would say that you should consider what your parents want (especially if they're helping financially with the wedding). But this point is so important that it should really be about you and your fiance. Do not get married in the church if you're uncomfortable with it.

You're old enough and mature enough to get married -- surely you can face your parents about your religious beliefs.

By the way, I love the cruise ship idea! Good luck with the wedding planning!

Answer 2

If you don't want to marry in the church, don't. However, don't blame it on not having enough time for the classes. The classes are not faith based in any way. They are a great foundation for a happy marriage because they allow you to talk about pretty much any and every topic that might be important to your relationship. They take hardly any time at all, especially considering the fact that you are preparing for the rest of your lives. The classes can be done in one weekend. You'll only need one or two 30 minute meetings with the priest. You're going to spend how many hours and weeks planning the wedding and you won't spend 72 hours laying a good foundation? If so, you aren't mature enough to get married. And to the one who suggested a compromise, a catholic ceremony must be performed in a catholic church. There are no outside ceremony locations, so if you have your heart set on an outdoor wedding, it cannot be catholic.

Answer 3

If you are grown up enough to get married you are neither trapped nor helpless. Shake yourself. Step out of the drama. It's not right to use a Catholic church for a pretty backdrop for your wedding. The reason there are classes and counseling is because marriage is a serious step and the church wants to bless you and help you transition into a new family. If you don't attend and dont consider yourself a catholic, then dont do it. But dont say its because you are too busy. You are not too busy to plan a wedding. It is because you dont want it. Two other thoughts: Who's Paying? And finally, marriage IS about families. The idea of the wedding is to bring the best of the two families together for a day (if not, if its just about the two of you then by all means elope on a moutain or a boat or wherever but dont drag everyone along). That being said, figure out the five most important things about your big day. I dont think a church or church service is going to make the cut....so its just not something that the two of you will want. Time to tell your folks. But be sure to make them feel included. They didn't give you an ultimatimatum, at least not yet, so dont approach it defensively. All the best....

I dont mean to sound preachy, but here goes. The point of getting married is to ask God to bless your union....you might want to think about that, maybe even say a prayer, before you approach the topic with your folks.... times are tough, divorce rates are high---guess I dont understand why you wouldn't want to God to help you....

Answer 4

To thine own self be true! This is your wedding day not your mothers. and an outdoor wedding is very beautiful churches are nice but it doesnt mean you arent a christian if you choose to get married somewhere besides a church. Your wedding is an expression of the two people getting married and their love for each other and the joining of their lives. Your mother is just going to have to be understanding or disappointed. Hang in there and dont let her start interfering now it may cause problems in the future that would cause strife between you and your spouse. marriage is a lot of work without interfering families in the mix

Answer 5

If you're old enough to get married, then you're old enough to sit down with your parents & be honest with them about how you feel. You don't mention the expense of a big wedding. If your parents are not paying for the wedding, etc. then they really have no say-so. I think, since you're so opposed to the Catholic wedding, that you should go with the cruiseship or outdoors, with or without your parents. It's your life and a big wedding with a white dress, etc, does not insure that the marriage will last 'til death you do part.'

Answer 6

First off you need to be honest with your parents. If you can not do that right now then put a halt on the planning until you can.

If you try to continue to plan the wedding without clearing up this issue it will only become more intense as the planning moves forward.

Also, be aware that the only people who should truly be included in wedding decisions are the bride and groom. Relatives will often offer suggestions and treat them as just that SUGGESTIONS!

Also you may want to consider hiring a wedding consultant to handle the details of your wedding since you are so busy.

Answer 7

You are in a very hard place but ONLY you know what is best. Certainly you don't want to be a hipocrit and marry in the church, if you could even find a priest to marry you, YOU NEED to tell your parents that you no longer are practicing your faith, it will hurt but not nearly as much as you doing your own thing without them knowing why. I am a mother of 4 and faced the situation with one of my girls and it did hurt but her Dad and I felt it neccessary to go with it so we could retain some kind of communication with her and it worked out wonderfully well and she and her husband are now back to practicing their faith after many years of not doing so. Please tell your folks and then let Mom do what she can to help you plan your wedding. Good Luck.

Answer 8

You have to do what makes you and your fiance' happy. Trust that your parents will get over it eventually and will love you regardless. Once they get over the initial shock, your mom will want to help you with the planning process. Hurry and tell them about your religious status so that they can get past it. If you wait too long it will cause you more unnecessary stress and you don't need that as you will already have enough on your plate with the planning. Good Luck and congratulations!

Answer 9

Involve your mom as much as she'll participate in the kind of ceremony that YOU and you FIANCE` would like to have. Keep in mind that religion is always a a touchy subject but your mother has been looking forward to you wedding just as much as you have probably. Ultimately, you need to do what YOU and future husband feel is 'you". Good luck and enjoy your wedding. :)

Answer 10

Since the two of you will be totally paying for your own wedding, you have the wedding you choose. It would be very wrong for you to get married in a church, with faith, if you have none. Just explain truthfully to your parents that you have shunned the religious upbringing they worked so hard to give you, and you are totally against it now. Gee, they'll understand...