I need guys and girls advice!!!! PLEASE?

Question

I don’t trust my BF he smoked before we went out and I told him I really did not like it that much and he said he would quit for me because he loves me. But I dont trust that he has quit. I know I really should trust him but I don’t. I cant test it by seeing if I can smell it on him because his whole family smokes so.....IDK. Your going to read this and think I'm a total ***** but most of my deceased family members have died from some sort of cancer from cigarettes or something like that. Can I have some nice advice Please and dont just tell me to break up with him because I really like him I just dont know...Advice Please!! Thank you all so, so, so, so much.

Answer 1

I totally understand how you've been traumatized by smoking linked to cancer deaths. But, the fact of the matter is:

--There is only so much that you can control, including whether or not he smokes.

--After a certain point, you're going to have to deal with your cancer fears and learn to "do it" differently.

Ex., when I was a child on through college, there were multiple, multiple cancer deaths I experienced and virtually no one to talk to about it to get stuff off my chest.

I was badly scarred, and developed a cancer phobia. Every little thing wrong was CANCER, in myself, in my friends, etc. It was out of control. I was out of control. And being out of control is no way to live.

A friend of mine is now dying of lung cancer. It's been devastating (especially since he was misdiagnosed and mistreated by his doctors). I finally realized that I had to stop bawling, suck it up, and DEAL.

I can't change what's happening to him or the fact that he smoked for 40 years. I can't change the mistreatment by his doctors that they gave him the wrong treatment and the wrong pronosis.

My friend was doing brilliantly after his surgery and removal of his lung tumor, but a month later he was going downhill.

At one of his last doctor appointments, he was told in no uncertain terms that "there was no cancer in his body, anywhere. If he got hit by a car and died that day, the autopsy that night would show that he had no cancer. They would find absolutely NO cancer.

The very next day, bordering collapse from pain and other symptoms, his wife took him to the ER of another, closer hospital.

They told him there that he had metastases in his back, his liver, and his kidneys. They told him that if his other doctors had known how far his cancer had spread from his lungs, they never would have operated.... The devastation and grief were nearly too much for anyone of his friends, family, and himself to bear.

After a while, I finally decided that I CAN change my attitude, my responses, and love him literally into death.

I CAN give him my time, as he has so little left.

I CAN change how I experience this latest cancer experience in MY life.

You need to change how you experience your boyfriend and his smoking or alleged smoking.

You have to learn to believe him and trust him, until and unless he gives you cause not to in that:

--You find cigarettes in his pockets--and no, don't go searching for them, you'll be acting completely out of control and violating his privacy in the process.

--You smell/taste tobacco on his breath when you kiss.

--You see him with a cigarette in his hand. (If he say's he's just holding them for someone, don't fall for it even for an instant.)

In the end, you can't make him quit--you don't have that power or that right. He's a "big boy" and, again, you'd just be the one out of control.

BUT, you CAN decide that it is unacceptable that he lied and/or decieved you. And, THEN, you have the power and the right to walk away.

So, get control of yourself and stand and deal. If you absolutely catch him smoking, stand and deal.

Answer 2

You are quite right to not want to be partnered with a smoker if you are a non-smoker yourself.

I agree that if he lives with other smokers in his family that it will be next to impossible to tell if he's actually quit since he probably reeks of cigarrette smoke everytime you are near him whether he smokes or not, & that's what brings us to the bottom line.

I wouldn't consider him to be a good candidate for a life partner even if he never puffs on another cigarrette again.
He may be a great guy, but if you two get married then do you really want your children exposed to a smokey atmosphere anytime he wants to visit with his family & bring the kids along?
What if his parents want some time to spend with their grandchildren? Do you want your children sitting on Grampa's knee while he lights up, & blows cigarrette smoke all around them?

You may be so young that you are thinking that there will be ways to deal with those issues to everyones satisfaction, but my own personal experience says otherwise.

So I am being nice, & not telling you to break up with him. I am just being realistic, & suggesting that unless his entire family gives up on Cancer Sticks that he will come with an extra load of baggage if you decide to marry him, or have his children.

Whether he smokes or not! :-)

Answer 3

Yes, here's some great advice. Your family died because of smoking, and that is tragic. One thing you can do about that is not smoke yourself. Your boyfriend however, is not you. You cannot, therefore, will him or force him to quit smoking. It simply is not your right. You love him--you want to be with him--you want the both of you to be happy and healthy... The ONE power that you have, is to express to him how deeply you feel about smoking WITHOUT telling him that he should or should not smoke. Simply tell him that you love him so much, that you cannot be with him if he is to smoke, as it would devastate you to eventually lose him to this same fate. You don't have control over whether or not he stops, but you do have control over who you are with. Let that be known to him WITHOUT WITHOUT WITHOUT any sort of ultimatums. It's all because you love him. If he comes around, awesome. If he doesn't, you can exercise your right to break up with him. You're just going to have to weigh those pros and cons when the time comes. Just remember: you cannot change someone nor will you ever have the right to try, but you can do everything in your power to make YOURSELF healthy, and happy.

Answer 4

You should let him know about your feelings towards smoking, but you should also respect the fact that he is a smoker. It must be a give and take relationship, otherwise yes, you will seem like a ***** and he will break up with you. Let him smoke, but help him set limits for you, and never allow him to smoke around you. If he is trying to quit, buy him the gum or the patch, to show just how committed you are to helping him defeat smoking.

Answer 5

Tobacco is an addiction and not just a habit. Reportedly as powerful as heroin and cocaine to kick. Addicts will swear on a stack of bibles that they are clean, and are lying in their teeth. If you can be alone with your boy-friend for several hours, and he doesn't leave you, then, he may not be smoking. However, just one, will put him right back where he was, and don't believe otherwise. Has he enrolled in a smoke-free program? I know where you are coming from, both my parents and my only brother all died from cigarettes. Don't put yourself in anymore danger than you already are. If you get sick, who will take care of you?? Best wishes, and like yourself first, don't be used.

Answer 6

You have to support him with it. It is VERY difficult to quit smoking. I wish I would have never started. My friend does it behind her boyfriends back. If you catch him smoking talk to him about it, talk about how it affects you and hurts you. If he can't respect himself, how if he going to respect you? That's coming from a smoker. It's very hard though. Maybe get some nicotine gum or patches. If he hasn't been smoking that long they should work. Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm only 13, so Im going to take a guess. If I was in your situation, I would make him look into my eyes and make him swear that he has quit. Also add something like it would break your heart if he started again.
But don't trust me.

Answer 8

Tell him just what U said above. Let him know that this is why u are so serious. He will then understand more fully !!

Answer 9

Well i think you should let him go to a smoking counseling.Because quitting smoking isn't easy.So try to work together so he can quit.

Answer 10

tell him tht u care abt him, dnt b too preachy with it,but state the facts. tell him tht u love him (if u do) and tht many of ur family has died as a cause of smoking. ask him to honestly stop. tell him tht u kno tht he is constantly around it with his family, but they aren't ur concern, he is, and u care too much abt him to lose him the way u lost ur family.