advice please on mum re-marrying???

Question

my mum (she is widowed) is due to get married in june of this year, the problem i have with this is that my father died very suddenly only 14 months ago, they had been married for nearly 40 years, since his death mum has found a new boyfriend bought a house with him and has decided to marry him??? am i being unfair to her by telling her that i think that it is all too soon, i have also decided that i am not comfortable attending the wedding as i don't agree with what she is doing. should i just accept her new life and move on???? i am a grown up,married with a child of my own!!!!!

Answer 1

Why do you want your mum unhappy? would you like it?

You are being unfair... Swap places...


Youd dad if loved her would want her happy and want somone to cuddle her and make the pain of being alone go away.


I would want the same for somoen I loved , for them to be happy and somone to look after then if I died

Answer 2

Your mum is probably in her sixties and probably has a different outlook on the value of time and being happy NOW than you do. You are busy with your family, she has already done that. We all grieve differently. This doesn't make her love your dad less, miss him less or wish things were different less....it just means that time has taught her that things change. It may also mean that she doesn't want to "live with" him because of her own value system. Unfortunately, the truth about marriage is until death due us part....the love continues, but the marriage ends. I don't think anyone is asking you to accept her or not....thats where you overstep. You can tell her how much you love her and how fast this is hitting you (she probably sees him every day) and how concerned you are.....that's it. Then you love her and support her the best you know how...just like she has had to do for you, when you make choices she doesn't understand. Help her get ready for her big day....then you'll see she is happy or at least content and maybe get more understanding. Take it in small steps....tell her how hard it is for you and just do a little at a time. Say a prayer. Say lots. I wish you well dear. I know so many women who fell apart after their husbands died....they don't even leave the house....you don't want that for her either. Truth is, you didn't live the daily grind of life in a 40 year marriage...even if it was a great marriage, it appears she has made peace with the blessings and found a way to put it in perspective, I hope you can too.

Answer 3

She is at an age where maybe she doesnt need to play games that a very young couple might.

14 months is not a short time at any age . Yes a few months to grieve her loss and reorganise her life. But even 10 months is enough time for two mature people to decide to be together.

She may not see her new friend in the same way she saw your father when they married.

You should sit down with her and explain that you are not comfortable with what she is doing and ask her if she can help you understand.

If you are concerned that the new guy is taking advantage of her financially discuss that to.

Remember her relationship with your father is very different from your relationship with him. They may have had problems you never knew about or they may have been happy together.

She has come to terms with the fact that he is DEAD and her marriage to him over. She has started something that she feels will make her happy in the future.

It does NOT mean that she is betraying your father in any way.

If you have a regular church you could also speak to your preist.

Answer 4

It's a hard one! I do tend to agree with you it is too soon. However difficult as it is looks like she is going to go ahead with the plans. Again she may really yearn for companionship,I imagine she must be at least in her 50's? Thing is what you want at that age is soooooooooo different from when you married young. Fortunately, you don't seem to say much about the person she is marrying so hopefully this means, apart from being too soon you don't really have a real grudge agains the man or feel he is after her money etc? In all honesty I think you should go to the wedding, you don't have to be in any way gushing, but just congratulate them, even if it sticks in your throat to do so. Your mum is still your mum and your non attendance could be the beginning of the two of you drifting apart. I don't think you should lie to your mum or her new partner, just tell them you really feel it is much too soon after your father's death but you love your mum too much not to attend. It's one of these situation where only time will tell. I am older than you but when my mother died my dad found a new partner within a year of her dying (they never moved in together but the relationship is still ongoing) and unfortunately the partner was a 'taker' but I didn't object. Main reason being my dad was always very outgoing, members of committees etc and my mum was more a staying in type but did attend dances etc related to what ever organisation he was on the committee for. In my heart I knew she would not object to this as the last thing she wanted was for him to sit in every night. Good luck!

Answer 5

Just because you mother is remarrying it does not mean she has forgotten your father. You must believe that. But your mother does have a right to live a life and have some love and togetherness till the day she dies. Think what your father would think? Deep down your father would not want your mother spending the next thirty years in mourning and with no life.
14 months is a reasonable respectful time to mourn. How do you know she, like you, is not still mourning his loss.
You may not agree with what your mother is doing but i think she deserves your support and love. I think you should tell her you do not agree with her marrying so soon but that you understand and will attend the wedding. You attending the wedding is not being disrespectful or disloyal to your Father. It just shows the love you have for your mother and that you want her to be happy.

Answer 6

It is never easy to see a parent re marry, especially for you as you have 40 years of memories of your Mum and Dad together. However if she has been lucky enough to find someone try to be happy for her, she is a person and has a life beyond being a parent. Would you want her to cling to you for the rest of her days? Try to be happy for her,if she has made a mistake, you will be there for her when it goes wrong,if she has made a good choice even better.Not attending the wedding is a little selfish, it could mare the day and never be forgotten.Put on a brave face, help celebrate the day and imagine how you would feel if she had not gone to your wedding?

Answer 7

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I do understand.

Maybe Mom is moving too fast.
And maybe Mom was so happy with your father that she set out to not be alone & replace that.
Then again, grief behaves in unexplainable ways. It could be that, as well.

I would have a serious talk with Mom. Tell her that you are concerned that she might be rushing this relationship since your father has been deceased for such a short time.
She may tell you to mind your own business; she is a GROWN woman. Then again she may tell you that she loves this man A LOT.

If you want a good relationship with your mom & her husband, I'd go despite whether she's making a mistake or not.
And, I'm sure throughout your life all the decisions you made were not the best, but she stood beside you, all the same.
It's your decision whether to go to the wedding & support your mother or not.

Answer 8

Did your Mum tell you who you should or shouldn't marry. I doubt it. You should show her the same respect. When my Dad remarried I was just glad, and if I am honest, relieved, that he had someone to share his life with so I wouldn't be worrying about him being miserable and lonely. Why would you wish this on your Mother; I doubt your Father would.

If you are right and she is making a mistake, then at some point she will really need your support and help. One of my pet hates is people who try and "blackmail" others by playing on their emotions and withdrawing their affection. Go to her wedding, put a smile on your face and pretend to be happy for her, you never know you might even convince yourself. If you refuse to attend the wedding you will not only be punishing your Mum but storing up all kinds of resentment for the future and could end up hurting yourself and your family. Perhaps you should look into bereavement counselling to help you come to terms with everything.

She is paying your Dad a huge compliment if you stop and think about it.

Answer 9

Well, if you are a grown up, shouldn't you understand then?
Of course she loved your dad, and in YOUR heart nobody will never ever replace him; and I don't doubt that it's the same with your mum.
But you can love again, differently and as strongly.
What would you advise her?
Of course she needs sex, but maybe she does feel more comfortable for it to happen in a safe strutucture.
Well, she could possibly make a mistake, but now you've told her, what's the point in losing both parents?
One is not there anymore and the other you want to shut out?
You know, let her enjoy it while it lasts if it's to be a mistake.
She'll come down to earth soon enough.
If not, let her be.
What do you know of the way she copes.
What do you know of what's going on in her heart and body.
You have made your point; Be there for her, and let her know that you're there for her should she ever needs you. That's what grown up do. Not throw the towel and run away.
She needs love; She needs comfort. She needs what she used to have, a safe structured environment.
Maybe it's not the right reason for marrying this guy. Maybe she's going to regret it, but even if you don't have to share her fun, don't add to her sorrow.
Be strong for your mum this time.xx

Answer 10

If you wre absolutely sure that your Mum was going to be happy and safe marrying this man, you wouldn't be worried, would you? But 14 months is very very quick, and I wonder if she is clutching at happiness that was robbed from her when your Dad died, let's face it, to meet someone, come to terms with losing your husband, and then decide to marry in 14 months? She probably felt lost after your dad died, and is clinging on to a lifeline, which could prove to be disastrous. Make your Mum aware of your fears, talk to the rest of the family about it, but don't boycott the wedding. Just being there doesnt mean you give it your wholehearted approval. Something else to think of.... if it doesn't feel right to you, it MAY not feel right to your Mum.. June is quite a long way off, sit back, be supportive, and she may just see sense all by herself. Good luck..

Answer 11

you've got a piece of cheek! why should'nt your mother marry again when at her time of life she knows she does not want to be alone, and once you have been married you need that one on one. am sorry to hear your dad has died but life goes on and there is no rule that your mother has to wait 2,3 or even 10 years before she can settle down with a man she loves, because deep down in her heart she will always remember your dad. so stop being a misery an attend your mums wedding, one day it might happen to you then you'll know what your mum has gone through