How do i help my fiancee help herself?

Question

My fiancee's mother does nothing but make my fiancee upset-to the point of crying. Im there to pick up the pieces all the time, but its hard because we live in different states. Im trying my best to make my fiancee see her self worth, but it seems like everything i say is forgotten when her mother gets ahold of her. Just recently, her mother told her that i am never there to offer her support, which couldnt be farther from the truth and it really hurt me to the core.
Any suggestions on how i can make her see what her mother is doing to her?

Answer 1

Ask her to write a journal , and everytime something happens between her and her mom, she should write it all down..word for word what was said ..What the fight was about etc..after One WEEK tell her to sit down and Read it* to her mother of how that week went and what they are always fighting about. Only then will your fiance be able to SEE for herself of what is happening between her and her mother. As long as your fiance believes you do support her(but unfortunately from a distance) you can make plans for her to move to where you are.(depending on how old she is) Why are you both in a different state? Have you met before? or did u get engaged and then had to leave state?

Answer 2

Do you have a set time that you call her each and every day, just because you miss her? Have you sent cards and flowers to her, just because you love her? Does she have something to wear or hold or listen to that you've given her, just because she's so special to you?

You can't really "make her see" anything, especially about her mother. What you can do is strengthen your bond with her so that she has constant reminders that she's wonderful and she matters to you. Your close relationship can help her withstand the onslaught of her mother's comments and strengthen her own feeling of self-worth at the same time.

Let's hope the wedding is soon!

Another suggestion: keep on giving all those gifts after you're married, too.

Answer 3

What her mother means is that you arent there physically to take care of her instead of her daughter being on her own so to speak.
You havent given any details on what the 'problems' are so its not easy to see why her mother is bringing you up. apparently,
your gal is having some difficulties and the mother doesnt really want to deal with them...she wants you to deal with them. so find a way to be with your gal physically. move. or move your fiance to be with you. the 'self worth' factor is something your fiance must work through for herself with books, reflection or professional guidance. her mother is obviously not a professional and the daughter is influenced negatively. <

Answer 4

If your fiance isn't stupid, she knows you are there for her all the time. You need to tell her that you'll always be there for her. If you need for her to acknowledge that she sees that, tell her you're worried that what her mom said to her about you will affect the way she feels about you. (By the way, that's some serious girl
s h i t, we say that stuff all the time.)
If you're upset about that enough, she'll likely do what she can to make sure you know that won't happen.
Also, try to get her to to talk to her mom a little less if it isn't constructive. Not altogether but tell her it's ok for her to set boundaries with her mom when it comes to things they talk about.
Good luck

Answer 5

Your fiancee is going to have to learn to stand up for herself and not expect someone else to always fight her battles. Now would be a good time for her to start doing that.

Answer 6

I don't have enough information to base a thoughtful answer on, but I will try. I am a mother. I have 2 kids - age 8 & 17. My own mother is dead (she was 79). As a mother myself, I do have to tell my kids straight up when they need to be told something they are doing is wrong. I do try to use tact while doing so, & my goal is never to hurt them. I loved my own mother very much & miss her terribly. Still, when she felt the need to share wisdom or advice, she was so negative in how she did it. She came across as critical, insensitive & mean-spirited at times. I know that wasn't her intent, but it is still what happened. There would be times that I would be terribly hurt by my mother's methods of trying to motivate/encourage me. During those times, I had to define my boundaries with her as to what I would accept or not accept.

We can show our mothers respect, as we do owe them that from the simple fact they are our mothers & gave us life. Beyond that, when we are adults, we have the right to expect our mothers to treat us with basic respect accorded to all adults. There is nothing wrong with your fiancee defining her boundaries with her mother. If her mother is hurting her to the point of tears, then something is not right. Whatever that mother's motives & intentions, clearly her methods are not working. I would just encourage your fiancee to tell her mother, firmly yet respectfully, that she doesn't want to talk to or be around her when she talks to her that way. She needs to say something like "Mom, I love you, but when you talk to me this way, it really hurts me & causes me pain. It doesn't help me, motivate or encourage me. It brings me down & makes me incredibly sad. I would love to be able to come to you & be around you because I love you so much, but I can't keep allowing myself to be put in the position of being hurt all the time". The key is to tell her mother how she is making her feel, all while showing respect & sensitivity to her mother's feelings as well. Please encourage your fiancee to hang in there. Sometimes we moms don't realize how we come across to our kids until they tell us. My own son tells me sometimes that when I say things to him a certain way, it makes him feel that I am belittling him. He is 17 & I can tell you that never in my wildest dreams would I EVER want to belittle anyone - especially my own kids. Her mother just might not realize how she is coming across. She should tell her. Good luck!