What would you label me as?

Question

I am young. And since a very close relative in my family has passed away 9 years ago due to Breast Cancer, my entire mentality and atitude has changed. I became more angry, more violent, and irritated. A few times a day, I would lash out on my husband, friends and family. I don't mean to do this, but unfortunately, I do. If I don't have something my way, I get angry, start to yel, hit and cry. I feel like there is a demon inside of me and I am scared this might ruin my marriage. After my aunt has passed away from that terrible disease, my mother and grandma had been diagnosed. However, they were strong enough to fight it. In my teen years, I felt depressed and suicidal and turned to drugs as my backbone. So yeah, then I was high and cracked out untill I met my present husband. He turned me life completely around. I have been sober for a year or two now. I am happy. However, when we fight (over nonsense), I lash out violently. I get irritated when many people call me at once.

I catch horrible moodswings and feel like I never love anyone. I want to be alone sometimes. I hate everything and anything around me when I am mad. I feel bi-polar too sometimes. I feel happy one minute and angry the next. I don't have any health insurance at the current moment, so seeing someone "professional" is out of the question. I admit to these problems, and am willing to see someone, but I financially can't. What is wrong with and what can I do to save myself and my marriage?

Answer 1

It sounds like you need to talk to a trusted professional to get to the bottom of all this stuff that's making you so miserable. If you really want help, your financila situation shouldn't be a problem. There are clinics in every city that will treat you on a sliding scale. If even $10.00 to $20.00 sounds like too much, then try something sponsored by the United Way, like Catholic Family Services. (No, you don't have to be Catholic, they don't care what you are.) Most towns nd cities also have a crisis intervention line. Here in Connecticut it is 211 (on the phone) where they have computerized lists of any sort of help there is available. You don't even have to give your name.

Also, you say you have been sober for a "year or two" now. Which is it? Post Acute Withdrawal while in recovery from addiction can make us act out and feel things like you describe for a long time after the drugs and alcohol are put down. Are you "white knuckling" it, or do you have some sort of support in your recovery. (And I don't necessarily mean a twelve step group, although they are the most prevalent sources for this kind of help.

Check with you local hospital to see if they know of any clinics or support groups for people with grief, addiction, etc. issues. If you were using alcohol to deal with the grief you felt when your aunt died, you probably still need help with that process.

Just remember there is a lot of help out there. You just need to be proactive and willing toseek the help you need for whatever area is troubling you. It's not going to come to you. You have to take the first steps.

Good luck, hon, and I wish you well from someone who's been there. I have been through VERY similar things, and when I was first clean and sober, all those feelings I had dulled by self-medicating kept popping up until I thought I was losing my mind. I was fortunate to find an excellent therapist at an extremely reasonable rate, and I don't know what I would have done without her, and also some (non-addictive) medications it turned out I needed.

Answer 2

If you are really motivated and able to understand that ultimately only you can help you, then I have 2 suggestions that will work with all negative emotions including anger, sadness and depression. First and most importantly, learn to meditate. You should be able to find a teacher who won't charge you anything. If not, there are books that can teach you the techniques. Start with a simple 'samatha' type (concentration) to bring a bit of focus and calm. Do it every day, even 20 minutes will make a difference as long as you understand what you are doing. It is not like prayer, not like thinking, not daydreaming, but a precise technique that will change the way your mind processes life experiences. The second suggestion is 30 minutes a day of regular movement. Walking is ideal, but anything, jumping rope, walking up and down stairs, anything that increases your circulation in a steady sustained way. Does not have to strenuous, just steady, every day. Walking outside in pleasant surroundings is the ideal, but the ideal is not always possible. Just do something that is continuous. Think of these activities as something you do for you, taking care of yourself. No one can do it for you. Good luck.

Answer 3

I think you have a lot of fear and anger.

If you want a mental illness, the best way to get one is to look for it in everything, give yourself a brake darlin... you just went through hell. Don;t allow people to make you feel that your anger and sadness is unjustified because they don't want to deal with you! Allow yourself your time to grieve and adjust.

But if you absolutely feel that you need a diagnosis... How about PTSS or Post traumatic stress syndrome?

Let it go... Fear often manifests itself as anger and rage. and unforgivness is one of the main emotional states that can inadvertently cause cancer.

Answer 4

It looks like you need a lot of help..even though u cant see someone profesional,,u can still go to church and mayby you should go get tested for breast cancer,,because it seems like is every one in your family has it!!
hopefully this help and good luck!!!!

Answer 5

Go to your PCP and tell him exactly what you have shared with us. He can (and will) point you in the right direction for help. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 6

Tell a medical doctor; you might have a mood disorder and there are medications that can help.

Answer 7

See your doctor they will refer you to a counsellor and/or psychiatrist.