Parents, I need advice on a complicated situation...PLEASE HELP!!?

Question

My friend, mother of 2(boy 3yrs & girl 8yrs), just got into a new relationship with a guy, father of 2 ( girls 3 & 4 yrs) His kids live with his ex, but he DID have visitation. Recently a situation arose, where the 8yrs apparently touched the 4yrs girl in her private area according 2 the mother of the 4yrs girl. Then she denied the father visits. When confronted the 8 yr old denied it, but after being pressured she confessed. But now the mother of the 4yrs girl says that the 4yrs girl says she DID NOT touch her, but tried. My friend now wants me 2 talk 2 her 8y/o cuz she normally talks 2 me about stuff that bothers her easier than her mom. The story doesn't add up. If the 4y/o is changing the story, it would mean, the 8y/o lied. ( Which I think she was in the first place when she confessed.) I don't think she touched the girl, or even tried. I think that the mother put her girl up 2 it cuz her and the guy had a bad break up & wants 2 ruin his new relationship! How do we find truth?

How should I approach the 8 y/o? What should I say, knowing that with the changing story, she has lied? For some reason she feels comfortable tlaking to me about EVERYTHING that's why my friend asked me to ask her because she thinks she pressured her too much and the girl told her what she thought her mom WANTED TO HEAR. I'm just hoping parents have ideas on how to get a child to answer truthfully in a sticky situation. My daughter is not old enough for me to deal with this. So I am inexperienced. BUT really want to help my friend and her daughter.

Really....Looking from outside the situation..I DON'T THINK the 8 year old did ANYTHING. It's doesn't add up. What I really think is this other woman is using these children for her own fun and games. There are too many factors in this that don't add up. The apparent manner of it apparently wasn't even sexual. According to when the story was first brought up. But now since the 4 y/o says it DIDN'T happen now....What is going on?? I mean, it's not like the 8y/o made her change the story becuase they haven' t had any contact since the supposed incident!!

I wish it could be dropped. But the mother of the 4y/o is blowing the whole thing up. And my friend is upset about the accusations toward her daughter. I mean, even if the ORIGINAL story WAS the truth than the manner wasn't SEXUAL. It was a tiny, quick touuch. Sounds more like EXPLORING.

Answer 1

Either way she can't deny him visitation because of it. My daughter at 4 yrs old was shown his stuff by a 4 yr old boy. They do that. Even at 8! Doesn;t mean it's right or that they shoudl not be todl ti;s wrong, it just means they do that. If the ex has a court order he needs to go pick up his children anyhow. When the mother refuses to needs to file a motion for contempt/violation of a court order.
From experience-even when it's an ADULT who inappropriately touches a child, NOONE else is responsible for that persons actions and the courts do not hold them so unless it can be proven they were aware of it. If the ex really believed it had happened she should have called dept of children and families and they would have inverstigated. Beings as she didnt it kinda says to me that it was indeed made up.
Tell your sisters boyfriend to go get his children, if he doesnt now have a court order he needs to get one.
As for talking to the 8 yr old its hard to say really. It may help for someone to speak to them that they trust but again form teh same experience they won't always tell them the full truth either.
Best wishes to all of you in this.

*edit You may also want to find some sort of local childrens advocacy center. They can give you the BEST advice on hwo to deal with this.

Answer 2

This is an 8 y/o and a 4 y/o! Really, if this even happened, unless the 8 y/o was trying to hurt her or insert some foreign object, I would chalk it up to natural curiosity and have a LONG LONG talk with the 8 y/o about personal boundaries and respecting other peoples' bodies. It would be a good opportunity to ask her about the possibility of someone else touching *her* there, and to reinforce that she can always go to a trusted adult and tell if that ever happened.

If the whole thing was made up by the 4 y/o, or worse, the 4 y/o's mother, then the 8 y/o deserves a huge apology from everyone involved, and nothing further.

This should not be such a huge deal, either way, with the exception of the 4 y/o's mother possibly being responsible. That's horrendous, IMO, and she needs some serious help if she thinks it's acceptable to manipulate her custoday situation with lies like that.

Answer 3

If all of you are smart you will quit practicing psychology on children. You are not qualified. And grilling a 8 yr old until she confesses to what you want is not exactly getting at the truth. And you might also keep in mind that unless the 8 yr old has been sexually molested (which might bring on that kind of behavior) she most likely wouldn't have touched the 4 yrs old in a sexual way. She may have touched her for a number of reasons (i.e., wiping her after going to the bathroom, helping her get dressed, looking at an owie [hurt], etc.). The whole thing needs to be dropped before you traumatize these kids or they discover they can obtain attention with these type of actions - so maybe they actually start touching each other. Print this off and hand it to your friend. Tell her if she thinks her child needs counseling, go to a professional.

Answer 4

I'll address what I think is the most important issue of your entire question. The 8 yr old needs to be taken to a doctor immediately. She may have been abused herself somewhere somehow. A "normal" 8 yr old doesnt go around touching anyone in their private areas. Then confess to it if it didnt really happen. That's the real issue and cause for concern here -- not relationships. It bothers me when parents are more concerned with getting into their next relationship than what is really best for the kid. Do whatever you can to get help for the 8 yr old... something has obviously happened to her.

Answer 5

Did you see that docotor Phil show on how you feel guilty just by being accused. How under pressure you will confess to things you never did. It was facisnating. Having said that, my daughter had two boys her age 'touch' her by the age of 4. these kids were merely playing and have no sex drive obviously. It is merely curiousity. My little cousin at 2 said 'what is this'? and touched my breasts. They are curious. Now I have talked to my daughter. She knows now that is not approriate. She now knows that is not normal play. back then she didn't know. Neither did the boys. They don't know 'private from not private'. At that age they are innocent (unless they have been molested or abused, then they act out waht they see). I can see the mothers point of view. But I think she doesn't need to panic yet. But I can see her point of view. The first time my daughter and this boy played and looked... I freaked out and bawled. Then I realized that at that age.. they have no idea. And I talked to my kid who was all 'so what is the big deal?' Then I realized that I had to talk to her and explain about how our society works. The next time she told me on her own and since then she has a very strong sense of private and 'HER' BODY

Answer 6

You are all making far too much out of this. All children are curious they are not looking at it like adults do. Tell all of them that they must remember that no one touches them in their private place except for the doctor and that is when you, mom or dad are there too. If someone tries to then, they are to tell you, mom or dad. then DROP IT. I don't believe that the mother can stop the dad's visitation legally.

Please keep the relationship with these children trusting, non accusing and patient so that they will always be able to talk to you about their problems.

Answer 7

Sounds like one of those "he said" "she said" situations. If there is so much conflict among these people, and they are involving children in their problems, strongly suggest that the adults keep their visits solo. If the children don't meet each other, there won't be any cause for concerns. So far as the ongoing relationships...nowhere to go but down. These adults should resolve their feelings before involving others. Best wishes.

Answer 8

Just ask the 8yo what is going on. Tell her the situation is serious and everybody needs to know the truth.Say that some people might get in big trouble. Then call tha 4 yo girls mother and ask her if she is making it up or what. Try to meet her somewhere and talk the situation over. Other than that i dont know how you can resolve the mix up.

Answer 9

Thats messed up. I would explain that lying is wrong and make sure she understands that and there will be consequences for her fibbing. And sexual harrassment is nothing to joke around about or make up. I would talk to all of the kids and get to the bottom of it. If in fact it did happen, i would take the one who did it and the one who got molested to a conseler, if you dont...this could briuse their ego for the rest of their lives and could turn out being a petafile or something of that sort. Nothing to mess around with there, so figure out what happened. And if the mother was lying then i would take her court and call social services on her. She can get in big trouble for telling the kids things like that

Answer 10

the best way too difuse this situation is too seperate keep the two apart. my daughter was 7 the boy was 13 if it wasnt for my calmness the boy wouldve been dead. i dont know if it occured i just know nothing was going too happen again. my daughter is a straight a student now and if that issue arises i will deal with it then,but for now she has put it behind her because we seperated the problem. the boys 20 now he needs too be looking over his shoulder cept last i heard he is in jail. for the same offense