How severe is this?

Question

I've been in a long-distance relationship with this wonderful guy for almost 2yrs. We have our plans of settling down together but we're taking our time to go to that level so there's no engagement yet. He's good-looking and we've had several breakup attempts because of trust. I trust him but not completely because my father had a history of an illicit affair that made my guy's loyalty too good to be true. Doing the unthinkable, I created a dummy networking account to test my guy's loyalty. It back-fired and he found out it was me and that i am testing him. He's so angry saying I'm having fidelity issues and that i don't really love him and that i don't trust him. He said he has forgiven me but not 100%, he's cold and distant after that. What do i do to show him i trust him completely? How do i fix my paranoia that guys normally cheat behind their gfs when their not around?

Answer 1

This is severe. You probably hurt him badly. He too has trust issues, though they may be of a different nature than yours, and your not giving him the benefit of the doubt was a mistake. He gave you the benefit of whatever doubts he has had, and you weren't doing the same for him.

You can fix it, but you have to sympathize with his position. Trust is earned. As difficult as it may be, you have to separate this guy from whatever you have experienced in the past. He doesn't deserve your mistrust unless he has earned it. Since he is a great guy, you need to take responsibility for how he is now feeling.

About your paranoia. That may be about your past, but it's there. He is right in saying that you have fidelity issues, though he is mistaken that you don't love him. He may fear that you don't really love him, because if you did you would not be punishing him for your past. It's not a loving thing to do.

If you don't trust him completely, you can't show him that you trust him completely. Don't pretend to be where you aren't. You would be setting him up to be hurt again. The next time will be worse.

What you can do is base your suspicions on his behavior only. He will accept that. You do owe him the benefit of the doubt, so give it to him. If you aren't able to do that, be honest with him about it. Then the two of you can face the issue together realistically.

Guys do not normally cheat. It is normal for them to find other women attractive, but cheating is an act that indicates a problem in a relationship. You appear to have a guy who will not cheat on you. That means it would be out of character for him to do so. If you choose not to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, you will alienate him and his affection. And that is something that could could lead to cheating in some men.

His being cold and distant now makes sense. For him it is like you don't really know who he is. That saps his feelings of love for you. For him to be back in touch with those feelings, he will need to know that you realize your mistake and will not do it again.

Answer 2

These things take time.
You have to build his trust in you again. You have to prove to him that you are not suspicious towards him any longer. If he is willing to give you another chance it will take some time to show him that you trully trust him and will not do anything crazy and sneaky like that again.
Lots of fathers have cheated and many women do not act the way you do. You obviously are supersensitive to this issue and need to work on that.
You have to learn to trust people and in the end you will drive yourself crazy if you don't trust people. The worst feeling for a partner is to feel like they are not trusted and that they are treated like they are guilty of something they would never do.
This also can take time and explain that to him. Tell him that you will need some practice and time to become that trusting person and you should really try to stop being that cloud over his head. I'm sure your suspicious attitude is overbearing and a downer. Even if you feel jealous pretend liek you are not and after doing this over and over you will get used to it and you will trully not be so jealous. It's ok to be a little jealous but too much can be a turn off and tiring

Answer 3

It seems that you have a pretty good chance of keeping this relationship going. You and he have managed for the last 2 yrs, thats pretty good. Even though you have had ups and downs. Its very difficult to have a long distance love. I think you should calm down a bit or you could lose him. Spying on him, accusing him and being suspicious of him will only drive him away. Are you really seeing Red Flags of infidelity? Or has your insecurity gotten the best of you? If he is going to cheat, then hes gonna cheat. Not much you can do to stop it. Trust is the issue here. Something you have to work on. Do not compare your bf to your dad or any other guy. If you do not work these trust issues out now, they will follow you through all of your relationships. And cause you to lose this one.

Answer 4

What you need to do is open an account that daters use, find someone that seems to be just his type, and offer him to her. Tell her what you're doing, and see if it works. You'll have to find a girl that's in his area, is his type, wants a guy like him and wants a date. This is when you'll find out how much YOU know about HIM, because that's information you'll need going in. With any luck, at least half of this relationship and one other will end up happy, and you'll be free to get the counseling you need in order to overcome the fact that being clingy doesn't serve you in the long run, and that multi-year long-distance relationships are mostly fueled by fantasy and not grounded in reality.

Answer 5

You have trust issues. You tried to get him caught in something he wasnt even doing. Now live w/the consequences. All guys dont cheat. Things have changed in this world. Now girls make just as much money and cheat just as frequently as men did. That was a low way to prove his committment to you and now you have him doubting you. Do you trust him completely? B/c it sure doesnt sound like you did...good luck to you guys.

Answer 6

Well you still dont trust him completely, youa re just afraid and know you screwed up a bit so you feeling guilty and hence forced to trust.

Well what i can tell you what will work to patch things up, when you talk to her cry and say sorry and say that it was your friends idea and keeps on saying sorry, and crying will help. It has to be coming out of you no need to act it.

Answer 7

Tell him evrrything you just said in your post. He might be able to understand and help you. I know thatit will be hard but try to justtrust him. Remember all guys are different. Give him a chance with your full trust.

Answer 8

studies have shown that women are most likely to cheat than men and also when guys are walking the straight and narrow in a relationship it hurts there feelings when they get questioned about not doing so just talk to him about your father and how that makes you feel about how men act and not all guys are like that sounds like you have a good one I hope it works out well

Answer 9

You, unfortnately, now have to prove to him you trust him. Get into therapy with a professional therapist. It will do you good and will show him that you're serious about working through this issue.

Answer 10

You need to prove to him that you will start trusting him completely. Take the first step by seeking professional help.