Why didn't he put more thought into it?

Question

I love my fiance very much and I know he loves me, but when it came down to him proposing, he just...didn't make it special. I already knew he was going to propose, but it was like since I knew about it, he just thought there was no point. He didn't even get down on one knee. It was outside and dark and I couldn't even see the ring. In fact, I go, 'I can't see anything." My hands were full of food and my purse. It was freezing outside too. We had to rush back inside.

I thought he would take me back to his house and do it there where we could be alone like we always are. My parents were right inside. After the proposal we had to go inside with them. I barely even got to kiss him because my parents don't like us being so affectionate in public.

I feel terrible because I know it sounds bad, but a proposal is important. He didn't even tell me he loved me or that he wanted to spend his life with me. It was just, "Will you marry me." and when I said yes, he asked if I was sure.

He told me he loved me afterwards, but he should have told me sweet things like he always does. He's always telling me such sweet things like, I'm beautiful and that he loves me and that he wants to spend his life with me. Was he just nervous?

I am not a *****. He is also not better off without me.

Answer 1

I feel your pain. I too am a member of the "worst proposal in history" club. I had my ring thrown at me with a "Fine. Do you want to get married?" Pretty damn awful.

The worst part was that years later I found out that he had actually planned this elaborate thing where he was going to take me to the place where our first date was and do it there, but changed his mind because he knew I would figure it out. Oh how I wish that he had gone through with it even if I did know that was what we were going there for.

It doesnt sound bad, every girl deserves something special to look back on and think of fondly. Obviously you and I dont have such a memory.

Good luck anyway! And Best wishes!

ETA:Just to add, my husband and I have been married for over 8 years, so for the poster who said that this girls marriage was doomed because she was a bit dissappointed by her proposal, which SHOULD have been a memorable and romantic moment, thats a load of crap. Your proposal doesnt map out your marriage success or failure, its a MEMORY.

Answer 2

Wow, I totally understand where you are coming from about wishing you had a better proposal. You know what? You're not alone. I saw a poll or something one time that said about 85% of women are unhappy with the way their guy proposed! He probably was just nervous! I don't think you are mean for being disappointed. I mean, honestly, girls DREAM so much about what their proposal will be like (I know I do). So it's only natural that if it didn't go the way you thought, then it would be disappointing! Anyway, to answer your question, I guess he was just nervous. But the thing is, there really isn't anything you can do about it now. So I guess you just have to decide to put it behind you and move on. Just focus on all the times he has said sweet things to you, and I'm sure he still does. Now just focus on wedding plans and have fun. Maybe you can write your own wedding vows, and he will write something SO sweet that it will make up for the not so sweet proposal! Good luck!

Answer 3

I had two proposals. The first one was while we were talking on the phone. He was at school in Maine and I was going to school and working in Washington. I can't even remember what exactly he said, but it wasn't romantic at all and not much thought went into it.

We kept our engagement quiet for the next 3 months when he came home for Christmas break. My "formal" proposal happened on Christmas Eve. My whole family was at my aunt's house and we had just finished opening gifts. He made an announcement about having a special gift for me. I opened a small box that had a beanie baby inside with a ring sewing into it's mouth. He got down on one knee and made a small speach about how much he loved me and asked if I'd marry him. Even though I knew he was going to do it, and we had been engaged for 3 months, it was a very sweet moment.

Talk to your fiance and let him know how you feel. Chance are he doesn't even know that you're unhappy with the way he proposed. Ask him to take you out to a fancy dinner to celebrate becoming engaged-chances are he'll express how much he loves you if he doesn't feel so on the spot.

Don't let his proposal ruin this happy time. Years from now you'll most likely look back and laugh about it.

Answer 4

Most girls have this big fantasy about what how their proposal moment will go and in reality it rarely goes that way. I am not sure if these bad proposals like the one you experienced stem from nerves (ring burning a hole in the pocket) or if we as women have too much of an expectation that doesn't match the personality of the guy. Perhaps we have all watched too many soap operas and everything else falls short.

For guys reading this, please note, what you say or don't say at that moment is far more important than the ring. You put a lot of time an effort into picking the ring. Take the time to think about what you want to say. Tell her why you want to marry her. I promise you that for the rest of your married lives she will remember every word and detail of that moment, and share it with her friends and her children so please make it special.

Answer 5

I agree that you are over reacting. HECK yeah he was nervous. Tell me... if you had a diamond ring that you were not sure she would "really" like, hoping you would not drop it before you gave it, and not completely sure a yes would be the answer.... wouldn't you be nervous. I'm sure you had talked about marriage...but guys are still scared of being rejected... and yes it has been known to happen. My husband didn't get down on one knee, we were at a 4-way stop. The simple fact that he proposed shows that he loves you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you... to me that is the sweetest, most important thing he could say to you...ever.

And to be completely honest... I'm not exactly what my husband said. I was overwhelmed with emotion when I realized what was going on. As a matter of fact... he asked me like ten minutes later if I was going to marry him...because I hadn't answered him. I was still in shock and could just nod my head and say yeah. I promise he will do better with the wedding vows... and they are much more important!

Answer 6

Cut the guy some slack! He proposed and that's gotta be a hard thing to do. You rarely hear of a woman doing the proposal just for that reason. He loves you and wants to marry you. Take it for what it is. If you are only into this relationship for what he can do for you then I'd just move on if I were you.

Answer 7

Can you say "Performance anxiety"? My fiance said "will you?". It doesn't mean he loves me any less, and he is a very affectionate person. When a guy asks for your hand, it is a flood of emotions, and (no offense, guys) it tends to make some of them very nervous, and overloads their brain. What I did? I talked to him later about it, cuz it bothered me too. I asked him why he proposed like that, and we talked about it. He actually slipped the ring off my finger while I was sleeping, which freaked me out, he even pretended to help me look, and then he took me to Seoul Tower (In Korea, I'm army) and reproposed. It was a small gesture, but fixed everything. he knows he did it wrong, and if he knows you know, then he will want to fix it. Talk to him. But be nice!

Answer 8

Oh, I remember planning this. I actually began planning it about six months in advance. My fiancee LOVES the musical "Les Miserables" and the national touring company was scheduled to come to town just in time for our one-year anniversary. I bought two front-row seats the day they went on sale.

(As an aside here ... for a stage play, especially Les Mis ... spring for seats about 6 rows back. Front row is too close.)

Then I made reservations at a local Italian restaurant. She lives in another state. The first thing I did was e-mail the people who write restaurant reviews for the local newspapers and magazines and get their recommendations. Then, the next time I was in town, I had to literally sneak away to go visit them, then pick one and make the appropriate arrangements. Knowing my fiancee is not a public person, I requested the most out-of-the-way table available. I even knew what my plan was: to have the ring delivered to the table, tied, with a ribbon, around a glass of sparkling cider. (This was going to be our one-year anniversary, so I planned to propose a toast, but she doesn't drink.)

And, finally, I wrote about a half-page-length speech as part of my proposal to her.

I even got feedback from my sisters. My older sister gave me what turned out to be the best advice I ever got: "Get down on one knee, show her the ring, and use her full name. Nothing else is going to matter."

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my plan wasn't really "her." It wasn't really "me," either. And then, inspiration struck.

Shortly after making all these arrangements and returning home, I stopped at the jewelry store on the way home from work to look at rings. She knew I was thinking about what she wanted, but not that I was actually looking at rings. As I was leaving the store, she called me on my cell and asked where I was. I am not the world's best liar, so, as the story evolved, I told her I was at the grocery store buying spices with which to prepare my dinner.

This was met with a moment of silence, followed by, "Okay, REALLY, where are you?"

So I told her. And after that, "spices" became a code word for anything related to the engagement. She knew it was coming, and had a good idea of when, but not precisely how it would happen.

So, with the exception of "Les Mis" I tossed the entire plan out the window. Instead, I waited until we were alone, in her bedroom, and presented her with a can of spices ... with the ring tied to it with a ribbon. And then I gave a four-sentence speech (that was interrupted by her mother, who had no idea what she was interrupting, but that's another story).

And, in retrospect, I was nervous and stumbling over my words in the privacy of her bedroom. I can't imagine trying to do it in a restaurant full of people. And, as special a moment as it was, I remember having the feeling of, "Oh, God, please let me get through this without passing out or throwing up." If I could have just done the mumbled "here's a ring, do you want to marry me?" thing, I probably would have ... but I wanted to give her something she could brag to her friends about.

Moral of the story: just because it didn't go the way you planned don't assume he didn't put any thought into it.

Answer 9

sweetie, he was a nervous wreck!!! He probably wanted to do it in the restaurant, but couldn't because he was so nervous. At your house there would have been an audience. He felt more comfortable asking you in the dark because in his mind it hid any imperfections. So much easier than looking you in the eyes and possibly making a fool of himself. Don't worry about a thing! This guy loves you!

Answer 10

That does sound pretty bad... I'm sorry!

But only you would know the answer to this ... his personality type, how romantic he is, how he gets when he feels nervous.

The most important thing is that you know for sure he loves you and really wants to get married ... maybe he can make it up to you somehow at the wedding ... writing his own vows maybe?

Or a special surpise for you.