Continuation of my last question about my 29 Yo son bumming off us again.Do I need help from counseling?

Question

As I said before everyday is a huge conflict unless he is able to lecture and preach/teach or work out issues or what ever else you want to call it. And when I don't want to just sit and liston to him talk all day long about how terrible the world is etc. he gets angry and attacks verbaly and tells me I need to talk about it. I need to liston. Yada yada yada. I say I don't care. I am happy. leave me alone. he says I have issues that need adressing. I say ,who says? he says him. I say thats your opinion. he says it's a fact On and On He gives me no peace untill it gets ugly. than that doesn't end. it's a visious circle.He follows me around the house talking or making comments. My heart aches for him but I want my life back. I lived with his dad 10 years1970-1980. All years same thing except there was physical abuse too. His Dad would give me no peace. Like my son he too wanted all my attention good or bad all the time.Should I seek counseling? I feel so lost!

His Dad died years ago. But wasn't around to help raise him since he was 3 anyway. It obviously is a hereity behavior if anything.During the 1o years of marriage his dad hit and abused me emotionally all the time and kept me living far away from my family and friends and kept me pregnant , jobless, phoneless, carless totally isolated. I couldn't even go to the doctor or grocery store alone. he picked out even the books I read. Easy for someone to say How could you put up with that? remember the 70s was a diferent time. No woman shelters or AFDC etc.I had 4 babies. My life was worse than "the burning bed" he abused my son too. My parents had their head in the sand.
Finally my little sister got old enough to stand up for me and the kids to help me get out and to a shelter in 1980.
So why do I have to put up with the similar emotional abuse from his Son years later?? Even if his intentions are good the actions are the same.

Did I mention that I have been married to a wonderful man for 16 years.
After I left Ken I went to College got a degree, joined the Army. moved to california met my Husband. Got out of Army moved to Texas and been a house wife ever since and I am so happy almost all the time.
it's when Case comes home to live for Winter cause he has no where else to go that I start hatin' life and him.
Casey stays away most of the time utill around december when the snows hit up north than he sweet talks un into letting him come down with promises of all he will do for us while he is here if we will loan him some money. and we fall for it. and every time we fall for it and end up having to buy him a bus ticket to get him out of here.

Answer 1

Yes, I would definitely seek counseling. It will help you deal with your problems and perhaps finally get the courage to remove your abusive son from your house.

I would also force your son into counceling. Tell him he has to see some kind of therapist if he wants to continue bumming off of you. Perhaps therapy for the both of you will allow you to co-exist together in peace. Good luck.

Answer 2

I'd say yes you need counseling. You don't have to put up with anyone going on and on if you don't want to. I didn't answer your first question but I did read it just now and you need someone to tell you it's ok not to continue taking care of your 29 year old son. Your obligation is over. Maybe if you talked to a professional they could help you realize this and you could get your life back. I'd say the money you loaned him is gone forever, like they say, never loan money to a relative, especially a child, just consider it a gift because odds are it will never be paid back. It's time to put him out and let him stand on his own two feet, if he falls he falls, he will never become a responsible, productive person if you keep picking him up.
It will in the long run be the best thing you can do for him. Who will take care of him when he's down and out once your gone?

Answer 3

I think you should call somebody else elder than u like his grandfather or any other elderly person and when he starts doing the same thing try telling him to get a second opinion from the person, usually at his age he should be respecting but if he does not then some other person should tell him that your not doin the right thing , at this age he should realise that life is short and if he wastes his time arguing with his loved ones then he would be left alone at the end. It happens that some people start developing a habit of offencive nature and the root cause might be that in real they they feel insecure or alone so I think u should bring someone else along into discussion as he wont show the same attitude towards that person.

Answer 4

Tough love dear..........kick him out. Make him live on his own. Where's his father, let him move in with him.

After reading your additional comments.....I know saying no to your children is one of the hardest things to do. But at some point, it is needed. I am SO glad you are happy most of the time, I was getting the feeling you were at your wits end. I would suggest counseling. If anything, the counseling you receive would help you not only with your own inner feelings, but will give you insight as to what you need to do.....therefore, giving you peace with whatever decision you make in the future. You were abused while married to your sons father, make no mistake about that. I hope the best for you hun, I know it can't be easy, as he is your son. But you need to do what's best for you, because you don't want to live your life hating your son. Please get the help you need, and you'll have the strength you need to just say no. Good luck, and take care....

Answer 5

If he's 29 years old, what the HECK is he doing living at home with you? You don't like him hanging around, tell him to pack up, and get an apartment! Doesn't he have a JOB???? You don't need counseling, because a counselor is going to tell you what everyone here will tell you for free....kick the kid out of the house--for his own good. He needs to grow up and learn how to support himself. He should've already learned this, but it's never too late.

Answer 6

Yes you need help. You need to have confidence in yourself so you can be a better person for your son but mainly for you. You need to learn how to set boundaries and most importantly follow them. If you do not do this for yourself you will not only hurt and let yourself down but your son too. Sounds like your a great mom! You need some confidence and belief in yourself. Get some guidance. It dosent mean your a failure. You are actually strong for taking the step! YOU go GIRL! Have faith in you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best of luck!!

Answer 7

Oh my gosh. Excuse me for asking this...but do you think this young man has some psychological problems? He sounds like the one who needs counseling. I would say to him, you're 29, you need to find a job and a place of your own. I cannot deal with all your negative behavior. You cannot stay here and behave like this anymore. You either need to move out....or go find a therapist who can help you with this anger...I am not going to let you talk to me like this anymore.

And then stick to it. You can love a child but not "enable" their behavior by not standing up to it.

Answer 8

It sounds like you could benefit from counseling. Just because you think your son is the problem does not mean that is the case. You seem to be withholding love and respect from him all because he is your child. If he didn't love you he wouldn't be encouraging you to heal. Not too mention, it sounds like he needs to heal too and needs you to acknowledge it. Parents underestimate how their adult choices affect their children. Just because he's an adult now does not mean he is fine. Good luck.

Answer 9

Not only counseling, you need to get an anti-harrassment or enven a restraining order against your son to keep him away from you for now-ASAP! The order is temp-good for two weeks-then court-to get one that lasts a year. In that time, Please, get yourself into counseling. You need to get to why you had the one relationship with his dad, and then find your inner strength to stand your ground with your son. I wish you the best. Take care.

Answer 10

you need to toughen up, sounds like an oedipus complex to me ( except he didn't kill his father, he just ran him off). send him packing, you are enabling him. you keep him around because you don't want to be lonely, he gives your life purpose. time to cut the cord and let him ruin someone elses life. change the locks on the doors. you have turned him into his dad to fill your needs of blaming your miserable life on someone else. he feeds your need. and yes you should seek counceling if only to be around someone with a little more sanity than you or your son.