When I'm at my boyfriend's house and one of his grown daughter's comes over to drop something off or pick something up, she never says hi until I do. She never looks at me and always looks at my boyfriend at all times--like I'm not even there. When I small talk to her, she gives me one-word answers while still looking at my boyfriend (her father). Everytime I mention it to my boyfriend, he gets angry at me, saying I'm just imagining everything and need to get over it. He makes it look like everything's all in my head when it's NOT! What's up with his and her behavior that's been going on for years? She acted like this even when she first met me, like I'm not even standing in the same room with her. She is grown and has kids, so it's not like she's dependent on him. My boyfriend always pretends there's absolutely nothing wrong with this. When she leaves, she says goodbye to me only if I say it first?
2007-01-15 22:43:35 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
This is disturbing on so many levels. His defensiveness is a huge sign that he knows there's a problem but he wants it swept under the rug. You see, if you don't talk about it, then it doesn't exist. (AKA denial) He's sending the message to her that it's OK for her to be rude to you by not challenging her to act like a mature adult. Secondly, he is sending you the message that she will always be more important to him than you. This is a sick kind of co-dependency. Is this guy really worth it? You need to take a step back and ask yourself some hard questions. Does he discount your feelings or thoughts about other situations or other people's actions also?
He expects you to swallow the s*** from her because he's either blind to her faults--very unhealthy or because he's too much of a coward to confront her. Bottom line his baby will always be there giving you the cold shoulder since you're not the Mama. I'd tell him that he needs to listen to how you feel, that you're not asking him to choose between the two of you. (You already know that you would lose.) Tell him that if he doesn't want to address his daughter's rudeness, that you'll talk to her yourself to explain to her about your feelings...If he still acts like an a**hole, then tell him that this behavior isn't healthy and it shows an underlying problem (his). Suggest couple's counseling. Don't be surprised, you know he'll refuse.
This sounds frighteningly like my cousin and his daughter. He told his second wife that she could never be as important to him as his daughter, that he could never love anyone as much as his daughter. They had a sick twisted relationship that continued ongoing even when she became an adult. She treated her Dad's wife with complete disregard, even contempt and did so with impunity since her Dad had never stood up for his wife. I give you kudos for trying so hard to establish civility with your BF's daughter. Most women would never have continued to be so nice to her. Don't you find there's few things that are worse than having your feelings and thoughts discounted. That's really what this is about. Try that tack with him, too. I wish you all the best Please let me know how it turns out.
2007-01-15 23:29:16 · answer #1 · answered by Loki 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she is not being outright rude and nasty it coudl just be that she still feels insecure about ur fathers relationship with you. She might be uncomfortable and embarrassed, perhaps she even knows that she does it but it is a behaviour that she can't easily rectify. She could be very shy with you. I am like that with people that I love very much simply because I am insecure and shy when they are around me, quite often I say nothing until I am spoken to. I cannot even bring myself to address my daughters grandparents by name even tho I have known them for 5 yrs. If you try to talking to her about it, or doing something different or nice for her maybe she might relax a little. If you love your boyfriend very much you and his daughter need to be able to build some kind of bridge so that he is not hurt by the situation
I was also wondering, have you ever approached her and asked her if she hates you or has a problem dating her father. If you haven't ask her, keep the tone of your voice soft, polite and enquiring. Maybe then you can have the air clear once and for all. If you ask her in a conversational tone she is more likely to answer you truthfully rather than if you ask with accusation or needyness in your voice. hope it goes well for you and you are able to build a relationship with her.
Last thing there are so many people who are telling you to treat her how she treats you, I think that is wrong and spiteful. Ok it hurts that she has not warmed up to you, and you might feel as tho at times u would like to be a lil nasty to teach her a lesson. Don't. It never hurts to be polite and courteous at all times even if you do not recieve it back, at least you can show that u truly are mature and not willing to play childish games.
As for the rest of you people grow up, this world does not need more spite, I think we have enough for now. Maybe it's time a lot of you learned manners also. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It is not do unto other as they do to you, otherwise you end up with a big vicous cycle that never ends.
2007-01-15 22:58:33 · answer #2 · answered by cheeky_lil_pixiegirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would say you have a long road ahead of you. You are doing everything right and if your boyfriend says anything to his daughter then I think it will make it worse. Maybe he has had alot of girlfriends in the past and she is trying to distance herself and maybe she just doesn't like you. I would keep doing what you are doing and see how things go but eventually you will need to speak to her yourself. Tell her that you feel like you have done something to her to offend her and apologize and work things out. I myself thinks she has an attitude and up until a few years ago I would have called her out on it immediately. Have a little patience and see how things go.
2007-01-15 22:51:05 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all, you are older, so it's the rule of etiquette for her to say hello, especially when she arives at a place that you were already there...don't nag to your boy friend, it'll only make you look bad. Just ignore her and act as if she doesn't bother you. You don't need to say hello, good bye, or make small talks. You can't make everyone love you, so just focus on your bf and shower him with love and kindness, si if the daughter ever bitches, then he can take your side.
I have the same issue with my bf's older sister... I stopped nagging and just put her on mu ignore list. It's working fine so far.
2007-01-15 22:53:21 · answer #4 · answered by Shelley S 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She obviously resents having you around to take her mother's place (even though that's not what you're trying to do, she will always compare you to her own Mum).
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, probably is compensating (without being conscious of it) for the way his daughter feels about you, by playing dumb to her reactions/behaviour towards you. It's his coping mechanism to make both parts of his life work somehow.
All the best!
2007-01-15 22:50:53 · answer #5 · answered by funkychick 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its very important that u get peaceful with your life. Talk to your boyfriend about how it makes you feel and avoid situations where u have to meet. it would even be good if u could talk to her preferably in the presence of a counsellor if she is willing to go with you.
usually its tough for children to accept a person replacing their parent in the other parent's life. but dont strain yourself with the situation.
I am still trying to work it out with my stepdaughter. Maybe Im better because she is younger.
Hope the situation improves ma dear
2007-01-15 23:03:33 · answer #6 · answered by LadyK 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand it, but I cannot agree with it.
She has some issues. I don't believe you can do anything to change her behavior towards you.
But you are not having a primary relationship with her, but her father- that's the one to pay attention to. As for his reaction, it may be that he doesn't want to believe it. Unfortunately, if this isn't resolved early, it could grow into a huge divisive problem.
2007-01-15 22:55:08 · answer #7 · answered by Jed 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She really don't like you. This is how I handle people like her. I treat them the same way they treat me. When it's back in their face, they usually don't like the way it feels. I'm not saying to be hateful to her, but if she doesn't speak to you 1st and you're already in the house, then you don't say anything to her. She has not being taught respect. Her father knows she don't care for you, that's why he get on the defense when you ask him about her.
2007-01-15 22:55:17 · answer #8 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you bother to say hi or talk to her.If she doenst want you and her to be friends dont force her.Concetrate on you relationship with your boyfriend.See if he will complain that you dont greet his daughter then you will say she can also be the first to greet me.So act like his daughter does not exist.Dont even look at her when she comes to see him.
2007-01-15 22:52:53 · answer #9 · answered by jus-tus 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She might not like you. She doesn't live there so deal with it. Your love is for him not his grown children. If they were young and lived at home that would be different. Which is more important to you, your boyfriends love or his kids acceptance.
2007-01-15 22:49:18 · answer #10 · answered by rastus7742 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋