My fiancee is black, and my father is racist. He disowned me. What can I do?

Question

I got engaged to a wonderful, wonderful woman just last month. We had been dating, kind of on the sly, for over a year. Why on the sly? Because she's black.

Her family is very close and loving, and they have completely accepted me. Her mother could very well be my mother. She is the warmest and most compassionate human being I've ever met, and she passed that on to her daughter, which is why I love her so much.

Here's the problem: I finally introduced her to my family. My mom is okay with it, but my father refuses to speak with me, see me, or acknowledge that I exist. I am an only child, and his actions have torn our family apart.

I love my father, but how can I get him to understand that this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with? How can I change his mind?

For those who asked, my fiancee's family is very well-to-do, and are very respected members of the community.

As far as my family goes, we've always worked for all we've had, and we appreciate what we've earned. That's how I was raised.

My girl says that money doesn't matter, so long as we love one another. She's smart, so she must be right.

Answer 1

This is an awful situation and I hate to say this.... but there's really nothing you can do about this. Here's the problem... your Dad is the one who has turned his back on you. There's really nothing you can do or say to "make him see the light." Unlike the movies, real life situations won't have a pre-packaged solution that leads to a happy ending. This (of course) does not mean that you will not have a happy ending. I would advise you to stay the course. Keep doing what you are doing. Even though he may ignore you and not want to talk when you call, at least say, "Mom, can you tell dad I say hi and that everything is okay?" He may be stubborn and acting in a way that upsets you.... but deep down inside, he still loves you and will be happy to hear that you are doing well (despite his initial and outward reactions). In time, perhaps if you are doing well, marriage is on the horizon, or perhaps a little one is on the way, that may change him as he may not want to be left out of such a huge part of his only son's life. Unfortunately, that may not be and he may still be stubborn then.

You can pick who you want to spend your life with.... but you can't pick your parents and you can't pick how they will react to certain situations. You have to do what makes you happy (and please don't let them control your life) regardless of what he thinks. Perhaps if further down the road, with wife and kids, you are doing well and are successful in life, that will help to show him that his views may not be the right ones to have. Whatever happens, I just hope that you will be happy with your fiancee and that you two can live a happy life together.... with or without your father.

Answer 2

Make sure you really love this women. Because your father may never come around. And it will cause problems between your mom and dad. You leave a lot out. Are the two families of the same social Laval. Or is there a Hugh diff. between the two families. Religion,l schooling, on and on and on. These are questions that come up with any one you want to marry. They just get sort of critical when you marry out of your religion or race.

Answer 3

People like your father are usually that way because that's how they were taught while growing up. Give him time to see how happy this woman makes you. Once he starts to see; I'm thinking (and hoping) that he will come to accept and love her as one of the family. After all, most parents want their children to be happy more than anything .

Answer 4

You cannot change your father's mind on how he is reacting to this. That is who he is and there is nothing you can do to change his mind.

I am sure he will come around some day. But right now, this has nothing to do with you or your fiance. This has something to do with him. If you did all you can and even proved to your father how much you love this woman, but he can't seem to understand it yet, then you just need to give him some time. But, don't let him ruin what you have in front of you now.

Remember, this woman will be your family and don't let anyone get in between the two of you. Not even your mother, father, etc....your life is spending it with your wife to be. (smile)

Congrats to you both!

Answer 5

i cant believe how many racist comment u got on here, it just goes to show you, no matter how much u talk about your girlfriend being great, u will still have those who choose to see what they wanna see, u have told us how great she is and how great her family is, but yet people still wanna be ignorant because your girlfriend is black. if these people cant change then u doubt your father will. ask him is he would rather you date someone who is white, but is also a gold digger, drug addict, and trash. if he says he would rather for you to be with a white girl like that, then he needs help, seriously u might wanna take him to a psychiatrist. parents should want there kids to be with someone based on their characterisitics not their race!!!

i have a white boyfriend and i am black, i now wonder what people say about us behind our backs, this is what i wanna know, its a question for racists, if you were about to die and a black person could help you what would you do???

there are gonna be people who dont like the interracial thing but you know what, there are even more people who dont have a problem with it, hang around those people!!!!

Answer 6

I'm a biracial child from parents who are White and Oriental will recommend that if you two do marry please not to have children. Many people on sites such as this are from America and therefore have a small footprint world view of how the real world works and operates. I was born overseas, worked thru out SE Asia and see the results outside of America on how us half-breeds are viewed and treated. Most people are actually polite and will treat you with a modicum of "respect" in your face but behind your back and outside your presence most will not respect you there. You should be thankful for your father, his honesty in this respect his true feelings showed on how he reacted but I question if it's really your mother who is being honest about her feelings in your presence?

I think what you need to understand is that your father may not come around and may have reasons to be racist, right or wrong, and may never accept your decision. Personally as a biracial person I think you both are doing wrong destroying your genetic legacy. Most people I know who are biracial wish they were one or the other and not both (we still love our parents but we live with their choice). I studied both sides of my heritage and realize I can't belong to either, though I have pride in each of them I realize those who mix, those who support it, and those who wonder why we are against it are the ones who are ignorant, lack pride, and truly the bad racists (racism isn't just about believing one race is better than another but belittling one as well, in this case those that support your marriage are disrespecting both the White and Black race significance thinking that your marriage and happiness is more important than these two race's continuance). Though you call your father a racist his world view would allow in a thousand years for there to be both a White race and a Black one, but if you and your fiancee mixes away then you two do what people accuse the nazis, and bigots of doing, you two are committing genocide (link for definition) by making these two unique races extinct.

Answer 7

Racism runs deep in a lot of people. It may be hard for him to understand but if he loves you, he should accept it. There is no pure race. Everyone is mixed with something and personally I think it makes the world more tolerable. I would marry her despite what your father feels, maybe he will eventually come around. Make sure if u have children not to let his negative attitude affect them.

Answer 8

If like a number of you reported he exchange into speaking in a all black church" whats with that? is he for segragation? besides he didnt write his speech and its ordinary to evangelise what you dont would desire to prepare once you have some million interior the financial company. obama is a phoney and has many human beings questioning he is going to do some thing new and attractive for u.s.. wish and alter.. If i presumed the guy exchange into truthful i too could be balloting for him. yet its somebody elses words and innovations . and how he have been given in place of work and his acquaintances of two many years is relatively what human beings would desire to be paying interest to.

Answer 9

Once your dad sees this, he will finally realize this is 2007, not 1957. People of mixed races are friends every day, I know a few who have married in my lifetime. I don't condone racism, however, there will be that problem in scattered pockets for a long time to come (or when Jesus comes for His flock--whenever is sooner). It will be your Dad's loss if he doesn't want to see you, his future daughter-in-law, and his grandchildren.

God Bless and take care of her.

Answer 10

I think you just need to try to explain to your father the good things about your fiancee and ask your mom to talk to him too. If that doesn't work just be happy with your fiance!