So I'm getting married in May, and everything is going to plan except for my fiancee's worries about my mother and baby brother. My parents divorced recently and it was UGLY, causing a huge rift in my family. She blatenly refuses to even speak with him and has instructed my brother who is 14 not to have anything with him either. The kid was a total spaz and still is, so I worry about any interactions going sour. Especially at the rehersal dinner and the ceremony.
After discussions with my soon to be, she suggested that if she couldn't act civil, then she should stay home, and I agree with her, but she's my mother and I feel some guilt about banning her from our wedding. Granted my mom and I don't get along, but shes my mom. I need some advice from those of you out there to give me something to work with to help weigh the situation out. Thank you for your help in advance.
2007-01-15 16:12:19 · 18 answers · asked by beetlegpx 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I went through the same thing. My parents separated in March and I got married in September, my Mom was and still is very bitter. We were all worried how she would act at the wedding. My brother told her that if she showed her butt, even looked at my dad wrong, he would escort her out, actually he said he would throw her over his shoulder :) In the end it went off without a hitch. She realized that this day was not about her. So hopefully your mother will realize that she needs to act like an adult on your day too. Just talk to her, pt your foot down and let her know that you just want your day to be perfect and you will not let her ruin it.
2007-01-15 19:42:17 · answer #1 · answered by kellie w 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, here's the thing: you say she refuses to even speak to your father. If that is literally the case, then you don't have a problem. Just arrange for them to be seated away from one another. It's not like they have to speak to be in pictures together, either.
Now, just to share should you go in the other direction: There were two relatives, a cousin and an aunt, that I specifically did not invite to my wedding, due to abuse I endured from them as a child. I felt no guilt, and though even some of the family may (or maybe not) have wondered what the deal was, I really didn't care. It made my day so much more carefree and special without their evil souls darkening the happiest day of my life. Is your mother like them? I don't know. She doesn't sound like a completely horrible person, albeit that you two don't get along and she can definitely be spiteful. Just have a talk with her about all this. And the sooner the better, so that she can prepare herself mentally and also get over any resentment the talk causes. She's your mom. I'm guessing she'll come around.
2007-01-15 18:47:22 · answer #2 · answered by chelleedub 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok. let me get this right. Your mother has instructed your 14 yr old brother - her son - not to talk to his father? Regardless, this is your wedding, yours & hers. Your his big brother, right? And, this is your mom, irregardless of the fact that the divorce was ugly, your wedding won't be, I'm pretty sure your mom (& Dad)will want to be there to see you make your vows. Don't rule her out, as bad as she may seem right now & during this whole process.
You & your fiancee should console your little brother. He's only 14 years old. Tell him, in so many words, the reality of the situation-don't leave him out. Be honest, but not too blunt. I'm sure he looks up to you. & is probably a little jealous in the meantime. Now he's the only one home with mom & the issues from the divorce. (you don't mention anyone else)
If dad is out of the picture, he needs someone, & that someone is you. If mom is being ridiculous, then fiancee will have to step up. Literally.
Take care & Congrats on the wedding!
2007-01-15 17:50:02 · answer #3 · answered by hey you 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your daughter does not want her birth mother to attend her wedding, email the birth mother back and tell her in professional but strongly worded terms that she is not invited and that if she shows up at the wedding or the reception, she will be escorted out by the police and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Print of a copy of her original email and the email you wrote. If she writes back, print that off as proof that she received the notice. If you have a picture (even if it is old) or a general description, make sure the ushers and the priest/preacher/rabbi knows that this individual is not welcomed and that they should be refused entry and if she does not leave, the police should be called.
2016-05-24 20:36:52 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a divorced Mom who hates my ex with a passion and could care less if I ever spoke to him again. I would never cause a scene at one of my children's weddings that is there day. Maybe I am stupid but I can't imagine any parent cause a problem on a day that is that important.
For peace of mind talk to your Mom and explain your fears. tell her if she causes a problem she will be removed from the wedding.
Why does she think your brother should not talk to his Dad. Sorry she needs some help if she wants to control everyone like that.
GOOD LUCK and hope you have a wonderful marriage
2007-01-15 18:51:37 · answer #5 · answered by Diane 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Invite her to the wedding, but not the reception. It'll be hard for anything to happen during the wedding part - however, if you're having both in the same location that could be difficult. Or, talk to your mother tell her the truth - let her know that she is important to you, but in order for you to have her at the wedding she needs to promise you that they'll both behave. Maybe get them to set up a pact for the sake of your wedding. Feel it out, you maybe surprised. If you mother's reaction is as such that she is offended and starts going off...tell her you were afraid she was going to react like that and that is why you won't be able to have her at the wedding. There is enough time between now and then that perhaps getting it over with now, she'll come around. Also, if it works out that they all come...be sure to have them seated at different sides and with different groups of people not related to the situation. Make it much easier for you and your soon-to-be wife. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you! I agree, mothers should be at the wedding. Big day for her too.
2007-01-15 16:21:22 · answer #6 · answered by daff73 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Invite her but, make it an adult only ceremony to keep your brother away if it will make you feel better your mom might enjoy the excuse for a night out without her son. My parents are also divorced it was nasty its lasted for almost 5 years. (My parents hadn't stepped foot in the same in over 12 years and yes they played me and my sister against the other parent infact my sister and I were legally declared to not be children of the marriage to avoid paying child support)But, on my wedding day they were fine. They each hosted their own table as did my husbands parents who are also divorced. So we had four family tables.And I got 2 mother in laws.
My one mother in law did leave my husband's 2 younger brothers at home and took it as a mini vacation as she needed a break. Children were invited to our ceremony but, she said traveling with a 10 year old down syndrome child who does not adjust well and a 19 year old who is also a total spaz would be too much for her.
Good Luck
2007-01-15 17:10:05 · answer #7 · answered by emmandal 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know how you feel, I'm in the same situation. When I told my mom I was getting married she asked right away if she was invited. I told her yes, and I did discuss that I expect her to act accordingly. So she know ahead of time what I expect from her. Another thing that I'm doing is going to seat her on the other side of the hall, and seat her with her brothers, so they can keep a close eye on her and distract her at the same time. Hope this helps.
2007-01-16 04:10:11 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I asked the same question a few days ago....I feel for you...this is supposed to be a happy time for you and this just adds a ton of stress that won't end until the wedding is over. I got the advice of talking to all parties seperately with a warning and instill in them that this is your day and not theirs and if they can't prove they love you by granting you this then they have made the decision not to come...those are their only choices on your day! Then if they decide to come have designated monitors(babysitters) for each person to help minimize conflict....obviously seat them away from each other.Good luck to you! I know I'll need as much as you.
2007-01-15 16:32:39 · answer #9 · answered by Debbie S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to have a get together with both sides of both familys way before your wedding. See how things go at the early party and make a decision from there. Should you and your fiance decide to not invite your mom and brother you will have to explain to them that their actions revoked their invitations. Make it very clear that you didn't want to do it but you aren't having children at your wedding and since they can't act like adults they can't come. Good luck.
2007-01-15 16:47:23 · answer #10 · answered by maigen_obx 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋