+ PARENTS... How do you get your kids +?

Question

How do you get your kids to listen to you?
I have a five year old boy that will NOT listen to me!
I tell him to clean his room and he says " NO, Cause you do it "
Or He will sit there and argue with me about random things.
He thinks it's funny to say hurtful things to me or To try to hurt me!
He will push my buttons for hours to try to get me screaming mad.
I try to ignore him bad behavior and praise his good behavior but that does not work either. He DESTROYS everything in site that I own.
He has ADHD and SPD. I NEED help and Ideas on how to get the respect and have him know that I'm in charge and he isn't.
I have tryed giving him more responsiblity's and more choses but it has made it worse. A friend told me that if you give him a little then you will get a little in return but that did not work. I have been trying to do that for a few months now!
I need any tips on how to deal with this or if you know of any books that would be helpful.

Answer 1

The book Creative Construction by Lisa Welchel is amazing. Even if you dont completely agree with all her ideas, it can do wonders to help you invent your own ways to correct bad behavior. ADHD kids can be a challenge, because alot of their 'bad behavior' is really just an uncontrolled release of energy, and punishment for that can lead to frustration and further outbursts. This doesnt in any way mean that he should get away with it, or that he should not be punished. it simply means that he may need a different approach.
Do you tell him that he's hurt your feelings when he says mean things? Alot of parents dont realize that they dont communicate feelings to their children. Kids will pick up on sadness and frustration, but they dont always conciously realize that they are the ones that cause it.
Try saying something like "Bobby, you hurt my feelings very much. What you said to me made me sad. When you say mean things, people dont want to be around you."
Make sure you repeat the same idea several different ways in one phrase. "i asked you to clean your room. your room is still messy. You need to clean before you can play." or " you broke something of mommy's. now I cant use that anymore. you are taking a time-out because you broke something."
repetition is important in changing bad behavior.

I work with 10 "behaviorally challenged" (dont you love politically correct terming?!) four and five year old boys for 8 hours every day. These guys range from a little bit stubborn to physically dangerous. One thing that really helps them (but can be understandably difficult when you have to work, take care of the house, etc.) is to sit down and enjoy quiet time together, as well as some fun, outdoor activities. even 15 minutes of "silly time" a day can make an incredible difference.
Do you tell your son that he's hurt your feelings when he says mean things? Do you tell him why he's being punished? Kids will pick up on sadness, anger and frustration, but they dont always conciously realize that they are the ones that cause it.
(breaking the picture frame didnt make him mad, so why are you mad?)
Try saying something like "Bobby, you hurt my feelings very much. What you said to me made me sad. When you say mean things, people dont want to be around you."
Make sure you repeat the same idea several different ways in one phrase. "i asked you to clean your room. your room is still messy. You need to clean before you can play." or " you broke something of mommy's. now I cant use that anymore. you are taking a time-out because you broke something."
repetition is important in changing bad behavior.

I linked a page below where you can order the book i mentioned. It looks like there is a new, updated version, too! I guess im going to order that now!

Answer 2

I guess I'm a pretty strict parent.
I demand respect. I am the parent. I make the decisions.
But, you know what? My son doesn't sass or backtalk.
He understands that we are the parents.


I use time out as a tool, not a punishment.

Put a time out chair in the middle of the hallway. There are no distractions. Explain that when he doesn't listen, he must sit ther for 1 minute for each year old he is (5 yrs = 5 minutes). He must not get up or the clock starts over. The clock will only start when he willingly sits there by himself.

Ask him if he understands the rules before the first event.

The first time he disobeys you, tell him "I am the parent, you are the child. You now have a time out". Walk him to the chair. (the first time he will kick and scream.Just explain "you said you understood the rules, you broke the rules"). Keep your voice low and firm. Resist arguing back!!

Have him sit on the chair for the time out. When he's done, go to his level, and say "Freddy, do you know what you did that was wrong?". If he answers correctly, explain why it was wrong, "Freddy, we do not hit other people." Give him a hug and let him go.

He still doesn't know what he did wrong? Explain and teach.

Be firm, and loving. You are in charge.

Answer 3

There are a number of books that could be of help:
The Strong-Willed Child
Parenting with Love and Logic
Kids, Parents and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime

The basic things to remember are these:
See boundaries and rules.
Don't make threats or lose your temper.
State consequences for not following the boundaries/rules clearly.
Consequences should be consistent with the offense committed. (Don't go overboard on punishment for a minor event.)
Stick with the consequence. If you said no TV for a day then it is no TV for a day even if you have to give up watching, too.
Goal charts can be really helpful. List his chores and give him points when he gets them done. Offer a reward for a certain number of points.
Rewards don't have to be something purchased. If he likes to go to the playground or a local park then offer to take him there and stay for extra time.
When he loses his temper then remove him from the room. Tell him that when he can be calm then he can be around you and other family members.
Do not engage in arguments with him. When he starts to argue restate what you want done and tell him you will not discuss it further unless he has a question or a problem once he begins the task. Give him a time limit to complete the task after which the consequence will be enforced.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Try consistant time out if he acts in a unacceptable behavior. But also start an award chart for every day. You could give him a point for everytime he behaves wel and listens to you and take one away if he doesnt. If he makes it to 5 points by the end of the day he can choose his snack or dinner or maybe a favorite TV show for the evening. If he reaches half make up another treat, just smaller.. if he doesnt have any points he doesnt get to watch TV at all.. maybe that will help?

It wont change overnight, thats for sure, if you start something like this, give it a couple of weeks until he realizes you are serious and until he understands the concept

Answer 5

ADHD and SPD are no excuse for bad behavior. Or for punishing children less than normal because they misbehave.
I have a 12 year old nephew with ADHD, a 13 year old god daughter with ADHD and a 2 year old son with suspected ADHD.
All of those children listed above had severe behavioral issues, Until specialists told the parents that disciplining the child was okay.
Pick one method of disciplining and use it all the time. Agree on it with your spouse. Make sure they use it too.
Grounding doesn't work with children with ADHD, for the most part because they don't understand it. No allowance won't work, either.
I'm not a personal advocate of spanking. But, it does work. I've seen it have remarkable results.
My husband and I chose time out method. Sometimes we have to physical restrain our son and make him sit in the bad boy spot for a few minutes (or until he stops his tantrums, etc.) But, it is working quite well.
Ignoring bad behavior makes it much worse.

Answer 6

I'm not a parent but a teenager. Maybe your child is looking for attention. Try to spend more time with him sharing things he enjoys, good things. If he starts to fight again try to distract him, ignore what he's saying and start something new. Besides you have to stimulate his good behavior by surrounding him with nice people. You can take him to the park so he plays with other children and you may meet another parents who may be able to help you. If nothing works I'd suggest you seek for medical advice, maybe he needs some med to calm him down.
PS: You can try sort of trick or treat: if he cleans his bedroom you'll do something he likes. Try to use niche things in return, e.g. don't tell him you'll buy him a new toy because then he'll always be asking for it. Tell him you'll read him a book, or just play something with him. And consider what you ask him to do, it may be too much.

Answer 7

oh boy sounds like my son I couldn't get him to do anything for a while I got him to clean his room by sitting in the middle of the mess and helping him by picking something up and having him put it away after he got used to that he started picking things up himself then I started leaving the room for a few minutes at a time then extended a bit longer each time now he does pretty well that he knows the routine the only suggestion I have for the hurtful words is to tell him that he has hurt your feelings and ask him how he would feel if someone has said something hurtful to him it may work but I not sure I have never had to deal with adhd
here is a link that I found maybe you can find something helpful on here and good luckhttp://add.about.com/cs/forparents/index.htm

Answer 8

You know what your kid likes, right? If he doesn't listen, those things go away in steps. For a 5 year old to have that much control is wrong. Take a parenting class. They are sometimes free and it will give you a support group when things seem to be getting out of hand.

Answer 9

He is five years old...you are (I would surmise) an adult, WHY then are you arguing with a five year old? Okay he doesn't clean his room...so shut his bedroom door. The reason he keeps on with you is that YOU allow it. ALL kids think it's funny when they parents get upset...the reason nothing is working is because you are inconsistent and he keep pushing your buttons to see what is going to happen next. Someone else already suggested it...I think you BOTH need counseing...

Answer 10

My ex has a son with ADHD...whenever we would get into arguments about him doing his chores, and he refused to do them, he was sent to bed early and wasn't allowed to watch tv/play games etc. Also we had a big dry erase calendar board, when he would do everything he was supposed to for say Monday, he got a star on that day on the calendar. After so many stars, we would go see a movie or do what he wanted for a day. Usually something simple like rent a movie, order pizza etc...worked like a charm wish I would have known that like forever ago!! Good luck!