How do I get across to my 35 year old brother that he has to get a job?

Question

My 35 year old brother has never held one single job for more than a year or so (and that only happened one time!!). I tried to e-mail him and explain that he needs to be a contributing member of society, but it's a little difficult when our parents pay his cell phone bill, car insurance and car repairs.
He knows he has it made because everytime he messes up and ends up with nowhere to live, they take him back.
My e-mailing him was only to try to be the "big sister", but it all backfired in my face and now no one is speaking, let alone my parents.
Right now he is sharing a house with my oldest daughter and I am afraid his behavior will leave her with the bills. To make matters worse, she is his boss in the only job he has (when he shows up).
Is there a way to motivate him? Has anyone had luck staging family interventions?

Answer 1

Sadly, the ONLY way he is going to GROW UP and take responsibility for his choices in life is IF EVERYONE STOPS giving him money, places to live and 'ENABLING' him to CONTINUE to be an irresponsible jerk in life.

YOU need to sit down and talk with your daughter at this time -- especially if she is on her own. Talk to her as a concerned mother (first), and as a Sibling (to the irresponsible one), and another Adult (with your daughter), and lay out the problems you noticed all along ... then LISTEN to her concerns with the situation in HER Home at this time, as well as the situation with him at work.

YOU can only tell her that you love her, and will be there for her if she needs your help, but she is going to have to make the DECISION for herself when she is FED UP with this ADULT who is acting like an irresponsible teenager.


This also goes with your parents .. they need to be able to sit down and relax, enjoy life a little, and NOT have to fork over mega-bucks for an irresponsible Adult "child" ... and only they can make that decision for themselves.

Since you did not mention your parents' ages, nor their financial status .. they really need to hear from you how much you appreciate them for everything they do for you (and this sibling), but you also need to hint that you are concerned that they are NOT enjoying their life at this point in time, the way they should be able to. And yes, you DO think they need to be able to enjoy themselves!

Answer 2

Bravo for you! This big baby has been coddled, swaddled and burped for so long he doesn't know how to survive. You are right to call for a family intervention as your family is directly responsible for creating this monster. Of course, your brother is accountable for his actions, or non-actions, but he'll never lift a finger when everything is done for him. You must encourage your family to seek treatment for any change to occur. Find a good family therapist that will come into your home and begin to peel back the layers of this problem. You can find a reputable therapist at this link:

http://www.therapistlocator.net/TherapistLocator/SearchUS.asp

In the meantime, ask yourself why setting limits is so hard for your parents? Why is he treated differently from the sisters? What benefit does his underachievement have for the family? Most, importantly, a good therapist will begin to look at the unspoken feelings that lay below the surface. I would imagine your parents feel a great deal of anger, and disappointment, when they see their son. Your brother probably feels seething rage at being babied his whole life, which may show up as depression, draining the spirit of the whole family.

As Carl Jung said, "What you resist, persists." For your brother's sake, and your family's health, be brave and bring a professional to the table.

--george

Answer 3

Plan a family intervention session with a trained therapist and spill it out there with all present. If no one attends, go to CODA meetings. It s really not your problem but you are making It your problem. Tell your daughter to move now.

Answer 4

Well your brother is a total loser as is mine except mine is 41. We tried intervention and no success. Your family has to stop helping him and allow him to try on his own. My family had to do that and so far so good. We don't allow him to move in, loan money or do anything for him. He has to be shown that freeloading is not acceptable...Good luck

Answer 5

Girl, this is not something you should be getting into. He is an "adult" supposedly, and it's his choice how he wants to live his life. Unfortunately, he has involved your daughter. That is something you can watch out for. Make sure she has an eye on her finances and gets money up front from him for stuff.
Your parents are enabling him, too, but that's their situation to deal with - not yours to point out to them, or even talk about with them.
Live your own life...

Answer 6

Nothing will change until the family cuts the cord. When you all of a sudden have no one to carry you, you learn how to survive. It happened to me at 28. Time to grow up, but he never will with everyone catching him.

Answer 7

,my brother was about the same age when my mother kicked him out. now he has to work, fix his own house, cook meals for his kids, do the laundry, etc. he HAD to grow up and be an adult.
why should he take care of himself when there is always somebody else there to do it for him?
your parents need to cut the chord, but if they won't --move on with your life as best you can.

Answer 8

Why should he work when he can be supported?
There's nothing like hunger and sleeping in your car to motivate someone to get a job and pay their own way.

Answer 9

As long as your family enables his behavior there is nothing you can do. To stage an intervention you need help from your family and it does't sound as it you will get it.

Answer 10

Why would he change if he doesn't have to? He is living how he wants and everyone is supporting his way of life.