To women who are survivors of rape and violence?

Question

I asked this question earlier today, but I am looking for as many answers as I can get...thanks!

I'm really struggling with moving on. I am in therapy, individual, and group. I also take medication, but I'm still having a hard time. How do you or did you get past the feelings of being inferior and unloveable? It's been 2 years, and I have come a long way. I guess my biggest problem is that I met someone, and fell in love. I really messed things up because I couldn't trust his love for me, and I pushed him away. He is the first man since this happened that I am not scared of physically. We are going to try being friends and see what happens, but I'm not sure how that will work.

Answer 1

I've been where you are. I believe at times I still am. I can tell you some things for certain. No matter how much work you do, and how much you want to change, there is no "set time" to get rid of those feelings that make you feel unloveable, that others are better, or whatever it is that started your feelings of inadequacy. I do want to say this. You may not have ruined this relationship with this person. Yes, you pushed him away because of you not trusting his love, but if you are in love with him, it's very difficult to be friends.
I have no guarantees to share with you, and I wish I did, but I do have some suggestions. One, allow him in your life on a friendship level, and if you can do this, sit down and tell him, that you still love him, but that you understand he wants to just be friends at this time. Be honest with him, tell him that you realize what you did that was wrong, and that you don't want to hurt him again, but suggest to him, that you don't want to repeat your mistakes, and that if he will accept you as a friend for now, hopefully you can show him that you don't want to push him away anymore. If he truly cares for you, (and he does say he wants to be friends) then if you show him, that you won't keep pushing him away, you may have a chance at mending this relationship. Keep doing all that you feel is important to help you feel more secure about yourself, and learn to love you even though you have had pain and tragedy in your life.
I am speaking from personal experience. I have pushed away more than one person who really loved me, but because I didn't believe I was good enough for them to love me, I ruined more than one very important relationship.
Take it slow, keep it honest, and let him know that you love him still, but that you aren't going to pressure him to get him to change his mind. Then love yourself, love him, allow him to see that you are not going to repeat the same mistakes, and give him that chance to see that you put no conditions on your love, and that you are willing to work to make things better with him. Nothing is certain at this time, so try letting this good thing you had between you grow back, give it some time to heal, and be honest with him. If you think that is too difficult, then you need to ask yourself, would you prefer not to have him in your life at all?
I wish I could give you certainty about this, and I'm sorry I can't. I do know that as individuals, we all have seperate choices to make, and out situations can be quite different, but if you love him, I believe openess and honesty, and give him time to see you are not going to push him away again, may just bring him back to you in the way that you feel for him. I wish you well, and I hope this helps some.

Answer 2

I was in your position about 2 years ago. I had totally repressed the memories of the event until after I met my husband. Thing that triggered it was I got a phone call from that person still wanting to be '"friends." I laughed it off and started to tell my then-boyfriend who proceeded to tell me that what happened was rape. At that point I started really processing it. I went to therapy and was on medication, but looking back, I still felt crazy all the time. I'm amazed that my husband stayed by me, but even that early on he loved me. He helped me through EVERYTHING from the panic attacks to the sad mornings where I would just wake up crying for hours to talking through the memories to helping me express my anger for what happened. I think that you should invite this man back in your life. If he loves you, he will stay. It is so hard still, after 4 years, not to feel worthless from what happened. But I reported it (even though it was 2 years after the fact) and that was an amazing step. I am so thankful that my husband helped me do that. That process really helped me to realize that it wasn't my fault, that what happened was illegal and wrong and that they needed to be called on it. Keep working at it and I promise things will get better. My husband always reminds me that it will always hurt, the hurt will just get less and less as time goes by. I knew I was getting better the day that I could think about it and not freak out. It's the small things that are really big victories. Be proud of yourself for being where you are and how far you have come. I sure am proud of you :).

Answer 3

It sounds like you are doing the thing with him now. No one every really gets over being raped or milested. They just learn that it happened, you survived, it is in the past, and life goes on. What you need to do is learn how to trust again and knowing who you can and can not trust. Have you told him what your problem is and why it is hard for you when it comes to relationships? If not, YOU need to!! It is not possible that you are unloveable. because you know your problem and you took the time to ask for some ones advise

Answer 4

All I can say is that it took me a long time to finally be able to trust anyone. In some ways you might have to just think positive about the relationship in order to keep it going. A good man in your life also helps and is always good when your friends first.

When I was younger I didn't care about myself at all and now all I can think of is how much of a good person I really am. Despite anything bad that did happen in my life you have to look forward in stead of back because if you don't you'll never be able to move on.

Sorry I don't know any other way to explain, I could go on forever. Any other questions e-mail me.

Answer 5

I was raped and sexually abbused almost 2years ago. I know what you mean by having trouble moving on. We all handle things differently. I havn't had a physical relationship since then and i'm in no hurry. I know it's hard to trust again, but it's the only way. I trust my best friend so much now, he's a guy. Not all guys are assholes. It is getting easier for me but I don't feel that it'll ever be past me. Counselling didn't help me.

Goodluck.

Answer 6

You need to take as long as you need. Do not rush yourself. It can take years.... I know.
Eventually you will be able to, not forget, but get through a day without thinking about it. Then you will be able to get through two day, and so on.
Stay friends with him, and if he is the right person for you he will be there when you are ready.
You will never ever forget. What you need to decide is how many days that you can go without thinking about what happened is enough for you to move on. I can go 2-3 days. That is what I have chosen as acceptable.
I know I won't be able to go longer. I have a wonderful boyfriend that tolerates my bad days.
Remember that you did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. What happened, happened TO you. Do not let it define you.
Good luck and you are in my prayers.

Answer 7

I'm a nurse. You have a good man with you. I would start a journal of my feelings daily. This will help you along with what you're currently doing. I think you have to take it one step at a time, day by day. I'm also a Christian and prayer has helped me through this, yes I'm a survivor too. I'll be praying for you. Watch this and be blessed. www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com

Answer 8

Self talk is a big key. What kinds of things are you telling yourself? Are they true or are they lies (such as being unloveable)? If they are lies, then tell yourself the truth about yourself and say kind and gentle things to yourself often.

Some trauma survivors find alternative therapies such as EMDR, somatic experiencing, yoga, or art therapy to be helpful.

Answer 9

it sounds like you are on the right track. i was verbally abused daily by my ex husband i lost a lot of weight i was under 90 lbs from stress and depression. by the time i left him he had started to draw back as though he were about to hit me he threw objects that i got hit with twice. once barely missing our infant son i was holding in my arms. he wouldn't work and when he would work he wouldn't help pay the bills. i'm amazed i didn't lose my second child from stress. he also cheated on me (which i found out after i left him) luckily i have a lot of support from my family. he would go out and stay out all night almost every night and i wasn't allowed to do anything or go anywhere. if i did he'd try to make me feel guilty for staying out too long (even though when i went out it would be during the day to eat lunch with a friend or something) it was a piece of hell. after i left i attempted to make things work but that's when he got physical. he pushed me, he tried to push me out of a car while going down the highway, he threw me on the ground and screamed in my face in front of our kids, he also hit me once. almost 2 months after i left him i started seeing a guy i had become friends with at work. it wasn't anything serious but he really made me feel good about myself. i started gaining back some weight. he never put me down or raised his voice. he knew everything i had been through and was sensitive to it. i had a very supportive group of friends and a very supportive family. i had my mother and sisters. i lived with my parents so they were a tremendous help. i some how made it with out any professional help or medications. i'm now with that same guy that helped me through and i trust him completely but we started out as friends and we saw what happened and now we are happy. it's about four years since i left my husband and i couldn't have made a better decision. i also went to church and that really helped boost my self esteem. it made me realize that i am worthy of love and that i am a good person definitely too good to be treated the way i was being treated. i think that helped more than any dr or medicine could have done for me. i lost my mom about 6 months after i left my husband and some how i still got through everything by turning it all over to God. i know it may sound cliche but it's definitely done a lot for me. i don't think i would have made it if it weren't for my faith. my faith helps me realize i am worthy of love especially the love of God and that's the most important thing i can ask for. i've been through a lot over the past 7 years and still have my sanity and i know have a high self esteem and keep pushing forward. will i marry this man? i don't know we've had a lot of rough patches we've worked past them. if it leads to that great, if not he helped me realize i was beautiful, smart and loveable. best of luck and i'll say a prayer for you.

Answer 10

You said it yourself. You have to take the chance, and put your trust on the line. Or get used to being alone.