Need parenting advice..?

Question

It seems I blow up at my kids just all of a sudden. I'm usually calm but sometimes something dumb just makes me snap and lose my temper. I hate yelling and I find myself being just like how my dad was to us. I total jerk. So, I'm aware of the problem how do I calm down when something bothers me?? Thanks in advance?

I have seen the dr. I'm in normal range on things.. so nothing out of balance. It's my personality unfortunatly. I've improved since I was younger but I still flip out over little things at times. My boys are 15 months and 5 years and honestly they both are really good mellow children (like there father lol) Anyways, my husband is calm so I'm trying to be more like him. I'm just home all day with them. No excuses for my behavior, but I do like the walking away and breathing deep.. great advice!!

Answer 1

Learn to recognize when you are escalating.

Give yourself permission to walk away to calm down first. (Some parents won't do this as they feel it's "letting the child win." NO. It's giving you time to gain control of your own emotions and be a calm parent!)

Count to ten before you talk.

Take deep breathes.

Try Bach's Rescue Remedy.

Answer 2

We all lose our temper sometimes and it doesn't make us bad parents. Parenting is hard work and children know how to push our buttons. It is good that you are aware and want to do something because yelling can only make it worse. It sounds like you need a break or some alone time. Whenever I feel like I am going to lose it, I go to another room for 2 minutes and take a breather. I also like the Supernanny book and website because she has great ideas.
This is what Supernanny says:

Aim for some happy, relaxed times every day – reading a story, visiting the park, playing a game. Show a good example by remaining calm when times are stressful. This encourages your kids to do the same. Cut down negatives – constantly saying ‘No’ will add to a toddler’s frustration. Instead, use phrases like ‘later’, or ‘after lunch’. Keep aware of new stresses (potty training, starting nursery) that may need more sympathy. Respect your child’s feelings. Feeling understood will reduce your child’s need for tantrums. Try saying, ‘I know that makes you mad’ or ‘That must have made you feel sad’. Your child will see that their feelings matter and can gradually learn to put them into words, saying “I’m angry” instead of acting it out. Use positive parenting – plenty of praise and attention for behaviour you do want, trying to ignore as much as possible behaviour you don’t. Avoid harsh discipline – shouting and spanking only make tantrums worse. Use humour to defuse tricky situations – silly songs, laughter, making a game of tidying toys can all work brilliantly! A hug or a tickle at the right moment can also change a child’s mood. Most children do grow out of the need for tantrums when they have more language and understanding. But the way you deal with them in the toddler years is important. If they are handled harshly, with responses like yelling and smacking, or if you constantly ignore their feelings and need for comfort, they may well become worse and carry on for longer. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

There are times I feel the same way...I have 3 kids--20,17and 13. I've found that if I can, I try to breath deep and slow and believe it or not but counting does really seem to help. Also, if I'm having a particularly bad day, I try to warn my kids before hand--of course this works well with mine because they are older and understand. If yours are younger try using pictures or drawings to explain how you feel. If you are able, take a break. Go for a walk alone or with your kids...sometimes a change of scenery helps. Good luck! Being a Mom is the most frustrating job around but also the best. Hope I helped!

Answer 4

It's good that you recognize that you have a problem, so that's an important start.

Next, I'd see your family doctor, just to rule out any medical causes.

You could also look into taking anger management classes, since I doubt that one single hint will fix your problem.

I would also suggest spending some time with a family that you think isn't dysfunctional. You might observe and learn some new techniques of dealing with your children when they push your buttons.

Also, if you are raising the children with someone else (spouse, grandparents, etc.), sit down and talk to them. You might be able to develop some "I'm going to blow my lid if I don't leave the room right now" signals.

Finally, if you smoke, drink coffee, take diet pills, are overly dependant on pain killers, or any other chemicals, make sure you mention them to your doctor. It might be time to wean yourself, with medical help, off of them. They can all worsen mood swings.

Finally, focus on the positive, in your children, and yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I know what you mean. I used to do the same thing when my kids were little. I spoke to my doctor and he did some blood work. Turned out I had hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) & that would make me flip out every now and again. I learned some things about my condition and how to correct it & it worked. I still have to eat 6 small meals a day to keep my sugar balanced.

One tip that the doctor did give me to help was to always take a deep breath and count to 10 before flying off the handle. That also works. It gives you a minute to think before you speak. It's very effective with the people I work with too.

Good luck and hope things work out well for you.

Answer 6

You are already on the road to fixing the problem because you know you have a problem! Recognizing this is a good thing. Next you should try and figure out what is setting you off. It is probably not your kids. Maybe you are stressed over something else and at that exact moment one of them does something small that sends you over the edge?? Work on handling your stress levels throughout the day--try eating balanced meals and practice deep breathing excersizes. And excersize! Nothing makes you feel better like a good sweat! Involve your kids in these routines as well...eat your meals together...work out together...build a better relationship with them. And when you do blow up at them, calm yourself down, and then apologize to them. Explain that you are upset, but not really at them. Tell them that you are trying to learn how to control yourself and that next time you will try and do better at not taking out your frustrations on them. Not only will you feel better, but they will too, and you will be teaching them important lessons on apropriate emotional behaviors. Good luck!

Answer 7

You have to be truthful to yourself and WHY you blow up, sometimes it's because we (adults) with kids can't do what we want , when we want to, and that is hard to accept. I used to be like you, but then I realized when I am with the kids 99% of the time, I CAN NOT DO WHAT I WANT it's all about them, I can't watch TV shows, I can't go on the Internet, review bills, talk on the phone. I have to devote to cleaning pause to deal with them and then more cleaning. It's a wonderful life watching them grow and enjoying them, and right now I have to go my 8 week old is crying...see it's all about them, accept whatever it is that's causing you to flip out and then you'll stop misfiring.

Answer 8

It's something else in the background causing you to do this.Just being mentally aware that you do this shows that 1.This is not the real you. 2.You are miles ahead of most totally blind people who will do this for years never realizing.3.You can change this.4.It will take heart and patience and love in the heat of the moment to stop it.

Answer 9

We all do it, and then feel bad afterwards, because we are PARENTS and we have vented all our frustration on a CHILD. It's called being human.

Try walking away. It is actually very effective, because your kids don't know how to handle it. The one thing they can guarantee from you is a reaction. That may be good, bad or indifferent, but you will react. Suddenly, you don't. You just turn your back on them.

Answer 10

Don't respond to a problem immediately. Take your time and think about what you want to say. You were a child once, remember? How did you feel when people yelled at you?