My gf and I have been together for 1-1/2 yrs. I love her and she loved me. We have been engaged for 6 months and the wedding is coming up in 3 months. I have always been 100% honest with her and her family. I even told her that I was on probation for something that had happened 4 yrs ago. I was scheduled to get off probation in 30 days, and was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. 1 week ago I was arrested for missing a payment for probation. I went to court and paid the fine and the court let me go. Unfortunately while I was in jail she found out what my original charge was for 4 yrs ago and lost her mind. It was embarrassing to me to discuss issues like that. I'm sure if anyone went to jail for something they didn't do they would be ashamed of the whole issue. Now she has cancelled all wedding plans and is not sure wether she can ever trust me again or if she even wants to be with me at all. I love her more than she will ever know. How should I handle this????
2007-01-15 06:14:18 · 30 answers · asked by brandon y 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
What did you do? It totally depends upon that. If it was something like rape or child molestation then no I believe she is not overeacting. However, if it was for a drunken bar brawl gone wrong, or something else she might be overdoing it a little.
2007-01-15 06:19:22 · answer #1 · answered by Therious 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Without knowing the charges it is hard to say if she is overreacting. I don't want to know the charges - only you can know if she is being reasonable.
It is hard when a person is punished for something they did not do - but what is worse is if a person who loves you can't have faith enough in that person to believe when they say the didn't do it. I mean she felt she knew enough about you that she was ready to marry you without knowing what the charges were all this time - why now is she ready to wig. Could be nerves, could be that it never occurred to her that the crime was that bad, it could be that she is not the girl for you.
If she cancelled the hall, you can be pretty sure there won't be a wedding, unless you do it outside, as spring availability is scarce for a hall, and people might be on a waiting list for it. As I see it you have a couple options:
Forget her - if she doesn't know you well enough and trust you then maybe she is not the girl for you
Take some time - continue to date and let her have the time that she needs to get comfortable with the new information. You haven't been together for so very long, maybe another year would be a good idea.
If the hall isn't yet cancelled, then she is hoping that you will say something that can make her feel good about this. Something like "you know me - better than anyone else - you should know that there is no way i could have committed that crime" if you didn't do it
If you did do it, you need to own up to that and accept the consequences of your actions.
Peace!
2007-01-15 06:26:30 · answer #2 · answered by carole 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well the truth is you were not 100% honest with her in the first place. You should have explained what happened, why you were on probation, and why it was not your fault. This situation could have been avoided by doing so. Give her some breathing room and she will most likely come back around. If you bug her about it you will push her further away. Best of luck. maybe just send her some flowers with a card that says I am sorry and I love you. But let her call you when she is ready.
2007-01-15 06:22:54 · answer #3 · answered by Sara 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh boy. Well, she has every right to be upset that you didn't tell her about your past. My fiance did something when he was 15, got charged as an adult and served his time in jail and probation, but he was up-front and honest about it the whole time and I respected him for that. No matter how bad the situation, you should have been honest about whatever you did.
I think the best thing to do about this situation is to sit down with her and explain the reason you didn't tell her. It wasn't because you didn't want her to know, it was because you were embarrassed and didn't want to be judged for what you did in your past. This is a huge trust barrier that has been broken and it won't be easily mended. Tell her that you are sorry for breaking her trust and would love the opportunity to spend the rest of your life making it up to her.
Good Luck.
2007-01-15 06:20:55 · answer #4 · answered by Sarah 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you'd been 100% honest, as you assert that you were, she would have already known what the original charge actually was. It may be embarrasing to disclose such information, but she was entitled to know about the past criminal history of the man she planned to marry. You need to face the fact that you weren't completely honest. Now she's probably wondering what else you weren't completely honest about and what other surprises are in store. Trust is a vital component to a good relationship. Acknoweldge that you were wrong to conceal such information, offer a sincere apology and ask her to reconsider breaking off the engagement. She may need time to trust you again. If you have any other information you're withholding you'd better own up to it now. Good Luck
2007-01-15 06:23:08 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently you weren't completely honest with her. If you were, she would have already known what you were charged with 4 years ago and it shouldn't be an issue. Ultimately, she's the one who needs to decide if she wants to be with you or not. Try talking to her and be patient. While you may think she's over reacting, she doesn't. Let her deal with it in her own way but let her know that she can trust you. What happened, happened 4 years ago and a lot of things have changed since then. Just be honest, patient and understanding. Things will work out.
2007-01-15 06:41:20 · answer #6 · answered by Jenna G 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should have been honest with her from the beginning about not just being on probation, but for what. You have waited almost 2 years and even then you didnt bother to tell her. She had to find out from someone else. I think that is the part that made it all the worse. I think she could've handled it better if she'd heard it from you, but by not telling her, you basically told her that you didnt trust her, and told her that she cant trust you. You had best sit down and do alot of talking to her about this. Tell her all the details about what happened, how it happened, and why you didnt tell her sooner, and you'd better be 1000000% honest or else you could lose her forever.
2007-01-15 06:26:43 · answer #7 · answered by Mrs Z. 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait... but u said that u were '100% honest' why didn't u tell her the truth? that u were innocent?... u shouldn't be ashamed of things u haven’t done…u have to stop that feeling first.. Stop feeling embarrassed about something u didn’t do and after u’ve done that, move on to solve ur girlfriend’s situation.
Women like honesty and I guess u too… u know her more than us so u should find the answer in ur heart… look inside ur heart not ur head coz that's the only way u will understand women…
Good luck and If u love each other, don’t worry, u will be together…
2007-01-15 06:28:05 · answer #8 · answered by Queen Lizard 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off: My fiance and I went through a similiar circumstance. But before I tell you what I think you should/could do, I want to make sure I understand what you said or didn't say. You said you were 100% honest with her and her family for something that happened 4 years ago. Then you said she got mad when she found out what you were arrested for... So in a girl's mind (or should i say in this girl's mind) NOT telling the whole truth or leaving something out is the same thing as lying. so if you didn't tell her to begin with why you were arrested, you need to be very understanding of her feelings. (If you did tell her before and she got all pissed then, she's crazy or REALLY nervous.) Back to my orginial understanding, which is you didn't tell her to begin with. By hiding this from her, it will make her wonder what else have you or could you hide if she actually marrys you. My fiance has been arrested and had a whole mess of other secrets and he sat down with me and told me everything. I can't imagine it was easy for him because he would say over and over he was afraid of losing me, but he would rather me know upfront AND hear it from his lips. Because he was honest with me, it was from his past, and had nothing to do with me, I am understanding about it. however if i heard any of it after we were engaged, i would call it off to for fear of what else he could lie to me about.
good luck. now, maybe you need to do everything to show her you will never lie or omit anything again. make her understand how embarrassed you were about it.
2007-01-15 12:29:04 · answer #9 · answered by Sue A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You haven't always been honest with her, as you state in your question. You lied by omission. What else haven't you told her? Why should she believe you've been honest about everything else? She doesn't think she can trust you. She doesn't want to be with a person who has been arrested/in jail twice. You can't force her to go against her instincts. She's smart to step back and think about what she really wants and what your relationship really is now.
All you can do is try to win back her trust and love. Don't be surprised if it doesn't work out. You don't say your age, but perhaps both of you need to mature a little before you have a permanent relationship.
2007-01-15 06:26:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, she should be the person you could share that information with. You shouldn't be embarrassed to share anything with her especially if you didn't do it. I would be upset to, but then again i wouldn't have gone 1 1/2 years with out knowing what the charge was. I'm way to nosy for that. You have to give her time. If she really loves you and the charge wasn't child molestion or something awful like that she should come around.
2007-01-15 06:21:21 · answer #11 · answered by jennifer d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋