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Question

I have an extremely intelligent professor, who I am attracted to very much. He's not very physically attractive, but his intelligence and personality make him unbelievably attractive to me (for some reason). I would like to get to know him better to see where things may go after this semester (so that I won't be his student anymore), but he is about 20 yrs older than me and he is divorced. I am scared to even begin getting involved with that, but I really am genuinely attracted to him. Anyone have any suggestions as to a reasonable plan of action here? This is a new experience for me, and one that I did not foresee coming for myself. Please keep in mind that I am over 21 years old, so do not answer me as if I am 13 here, please.

Answer 1

All you can do is let him know you are interested. (I commend you for respecting teacher/student relations) and see where things go. He's just another man, the age difference shouldn't mean anything, and him being divorced means nothing now a days. Good luck, I hope he's a catch.

Answer 2

You seem to know or have allot of information about him already ,,,, I'm curious as to how you came by it ,,,, Anyway age and age difference is just a number and you say you are over 21 so there is no legal or moral issues here ,,,, You aren't the only one to have ever been attracted to much older men ,,,, There are some couples with a greater difference than this ,,,, I personally know of one couple with a 31 year difference ,,,, She was19 when they married and they are still together and completely happy after 10 years ,,,, You might get some flack from some people concerning the age difference but these people seriously need to mind their own business ,,,, No one can make your decisions for you whether they are minor or major ,,,, You are the only one that has to live with the decisions you make ,,, So no one has the right to try to influence you ,,,, They can't live your life for you either and I'm sure no one would step up and take the consequences for the mistakes you make in your life so like I said people need to mind their own business ,,,, The only practical way to approach this situation would be that once you are no longer one of his students ,,,,You should simply be up front with him and just come out with it ,,,, Discuss this in an adult and mature manor ,,,, You will be talking to some one here that has a head on his shoulders ,,,, This isn't a bubble gummer situation like what you've probably had before so don't treat it like one ,,,, There's only two ways this can go ,,,, He will either take interest in you or he will let you down easy ,,,, Be mindful that if you are attracted to him then it could be likely that yours isn't the only offer he's had before ,,,, You will approach him in an adult manner so I'm sure his response ,,,, which ever it might be ,,,,, will also be in an adult manner ,,,, He might not accept your proposal of establishing a relationship but I'm sure he would feel flattered none the less ,,,, There are other practical matters here too though such as with him in his 40's it might be too late in his life to start a family ,,,, but that's something that would come up later in the game ,,,, so to speak ,,,, You can always cross that bridge when you come to it ,,,, The first step is to just talk to him first ,,,, get his response and go from there ,,,,, Hope what I've told you here helps out ,,,, You got it from Yoda ,,,,, good luck ,,,,

Answer 3

Well I understand your situation cos I am a tutor and have had students feel the same way.

First of all, I know he's divorced but do an investigation as to whether he's currently seeing or dating someone. If he is, then you may have to backoff but if he isn't, you can wait till he's no more your teacher, for ethical reasons, then you hint to him. You are older than 21 so you should know how to hint to him. Also, you can invite him for get-togethers or parties (I don't mean wild parties) and get to spend more time with him. He should figure out what your intentions are and you two can work something out. Permit me to add that I feel you are a physically attractive person (even tho I havent seen you) cos all the girls that felt the same way towards me were very very attractive.

In a short note, just get to spend more time with him and always ask after his life and whats going on with him and get to know him more. Do this when he's not ur teacher anymore just to keep things safe...

Hope this helps.

Answer 4

I made a mention of a question similar in my last month's column, so i'll give you the same answer i gave "Jane":

If you're graduating this year, i would probably say it's ok, only because the two of you will be able to carry a relationship that does not center around reviews, a senior thesis, degree applications, and the like. Yes, i think you're making a good decision waiting until your class is over, and if you are serious about seeing your professor, stick with that route.

But the reality is you really don't want to wait that long, and being 21 doesn't necessarily make you a spring chicken, so dating him probably isn't the endgame. Just keep up with your coursework and continue to show your enthusiasm in your studies. And please, don't talk to your friends about it, at least not until you graduate.

Hope it helps!

Answer 5

How much over 21? This is a question of ethics. Passing his class will not exempt him from being called before the dean later. Wait until you graduate. It is not uncommon to be attracted to intellect. The man is older and wiser than men your age. You are trying to build a life for yourself by learning. That's good. Your attraction may be genuine, but you are not doing yourself any favors pining over this man. In twenty years he will be 60 something and you will be forty something. Can you deal with that?
Look for a mature man your own age. They are out there.

Answer 6

i suggest ignoring your feelings... i believe it is just infatuation as i have been there myself... i thought i was in love with my professor cause he was the most intelligent person and great personality too but i just admired him from a distance until the feelings faded and i moved my attention to my next crush... we will get a lot of that feeling throughout our lives... just use it as an inspiration to do well in class...
after all, when you think about it... if you 2 get involved, and by the time you're 40 and still considered young, he will be 60... totally different age group and interests will be different and that's where you will find the conflicts...

Answer 7

I dated a lady once who was 13 years younger than I and found that I was dating someone from a completely different generation which made companionship very difficult. Because of this experience, I really think you are chasing after something that would be next to impossible to work out. Hope this helps.

Answer 8

My suggestion is as you'll be no more his student after this semester, try to forget him for the time you think is sufficient. And if still you can't get him out of your mind, then go tell him what you think of him. Don't think of the consequences at that moment. Because I am the believer that we should live the life as it comes ahead of us instead of thinking about the consequences and worrying about it.
By the way, there is no such thing as age barrier in the cases like yours. Just go ahead.

Answer 9

I would give yourself some time before you pursue him. I know that intellegence is something that you can be attracted to, but love is so much more then being attracted to his intellegence. It has to be someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Can you see him changing diapers with you and playing catch with your future kids, would he be willing to give up his teaching to follow you? What are his beliefs in accordance with yours? If he is over 40, why is he still single?

I'm not trying to say to you that there is no way at all that you should pursue this, but you have to remember that there are lots of factors that you have to consider, not just going off your feelings of infacutation.

Good luck with whatever you do...

Answer 10

i say hit him up after the semester is over like you said you wont be his student any more you will be a single women and him a single man! and age is just a number! he might be the man for you and he might not but who cares i am sure you will have a great experience how ever it turns out!!