how do i tell my 11 year old that we have to leave the person she Love her dad?

Question

i have been with someone for nine years we just decided that it wont work well he decided he is the person my daughter looks up to and loves i love him to but he wants to give up how do i give my daughter the news?she already has anxiety. what is the best way to tell her? please help.

Answer 1

Work out a schedule that she can still see him. He may not have legal paternity rights, but he is who she knows as her dad.

Answer 2

I'm not sure what led up to all of this - but it sounds like her Dad is giving up on his relationship with YOU. I'm going to assume that he is NOT giving up on his relationship with his daughter.

So - you and her Dad will not be together. But that doesn't mean she needs to leave him. Everything from this point forward should have your daughters best interest at the top of the priority list. That means you and her Dad work out parenting time for her - so she can have quality time with both of you. Nobody should move far away. You made her together and it's your responsibility to stay in the same geographical area so it's easy for her to have a relationship with both of you. Don NOT make this child change schools. Remember SHE did not fail at a relationship. So - there is no need to tell her that she has to leave anybody. Her time with each of you will just be separate now - and there are good things about that - which you can stress. She'll have TWO houses. She'll have private time with both you and Dad. You and Daddy will be getting along better because it has been so hard for you to live together. Etc. Point out all of the good. And yes - you can apologize and tell her that this isn't what you thought would happen - but it did - and now everybody will have to move on - in a POSITIVE WAY.

Never ever ever badmouth her father. I don't care if he is leaving you for another woman - or he is an alcoholic - or whatever - he is HER ONLY DAD. There is no need for you to say anything negative about him ever. If he is a scumbag - your daughter will figure that out on her own - in her own time. Anytime she wants to know why Dad did this - or did that - tell her - "That would be a good thing to discuss with your Dad." His true colors will show before long - and you will not have to be the bad guy saying bad things about her Dad.

Remember that Love and your daughter's well being are the MOST IMPORTANT things here. Good luck.

Answer 3

This depends upon the situation. However, in MOST cases I suggest that you all sit down and together you and him explain to her why things are changing. Since your daughter is 11 and ya'll have only been together for 9 years hopefully she knows this man is not her real dad. Remember that when I say explain why things are changing I am recommending you tell her that you two still love each other but do not wish to live together any more. You need to reinforce the concepts that 1)you both love her and that hasn't changed and 2)this has nothing to do with her.

Depending on the circumstance, he should be granted visitations and should make the efforts to see her for a while to make the transition. This of course is entirely dependent upon him being a good 'dad' and he can be trusted with her.

This was the way I handled my divorce (16 yrs, 3 kids, oldest 11 at the time) and it has worked well. There were some transition issues but together me and my ex-wife worked through them.

Good luck and I hope this helps!

Answer 4

You will HAVE to be very gentle and careful here! Is there a chance that you and yr partner may get back together in the distant/near future? If so, tell her that you are both having a little break, tell her that you both still love her as much and that that will never alter, tell her that she will still continue seeing both of you. you may be surprised by her reaction, I have no doubt that she would already have picked up on a few things at home, also she would have had friends at school etc with parents who have split up, news may not be as hard hitting if you take all these factors into consideration. Make sure that both you and yr partner are present when she is told make sure you both have correct perspective of your own story. My son is 11 years old, my daughter is 12, they have suffered terribly (emotionally) by the hands of their father through his immaturity and tactless manner...good luck!

Answer 5

Tell her the truth. Let her know that just because the two of you don't love each other doesn't mean you do not love her. It will be hard. Do not point fingers or place blame. That will hurt the child. She is old enough to understand. Do not use the child as a bargaining chip. Keep your chin up. Your heart will repair you still have your baby. That is the love of your life.

Answer 6

He has been in your child's life since she was a baby? Are you sure he wants to give her up, and not just break up with you? If you can arrange for the two of them to still be in each other's lives after the two of you breakup, then do so. It may be difficult for you to have to see him a lot, but that is your life when you have a child.
If he just wants out of her life altogether, just explain to her that he had to go away because he and Mommy couldn't be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore and that it has nothing to do with her. Children are most likely to take the blame onto themselves in a case like this, so make sure you do everything you can to let her know that it is not her fault that you and your boyfriend couldn't work out your differences.

Answer 7

Honey! I do feel for you All.
Have you and your Partner done everything you can do sort things out? Guys usually give up when all they hear is ,Yuda Yuda Yuda and a woman screaming in his ear ,like a bee buzzing how uncaring, how he doesn't understand you.No I'm not getting at you luv. That's how it is Guys don't take to confrontational communication ie; women pouring out their feelings big time ,for several reasons. We use too many words They get overload and can't keep up.Then they usually say something real dirty and nasty just to get us to leave them alone.Females usually retalliate with a comment on how inadequate he is or a past indiscretion, no matter how menial.Tthey have memories like elephants. It gets more heated then. Female voices are too high pitched when angry or hurt ,it drives guys crazy.All they hear is buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzzz! and shut off, or leave the place.
My suggestion for what is worth is.
Both of you sit down with a cuppa and a biscuit. Talk about everything but in precise sentences like dictation kind of. But with feeling. Guys can cope with that and hear you. Never say we need to talk , they'll automatically think they've done something wrong and are on the defensive. Just talk like friends having a quarrel and want to continue to be friends ,no accusing on either side OK.
Now My feeling is. If this doesn't work after say a week of trying, Take it slowly. Allow time to just sit, but without pressing the issue. Then it's probably better if he does move for the time being.
Both of you get Relationship Councelling.
If it gets to this stage. Both of you sit down with your daughter and a drink etc. around the table and let her know, both of you are having some problems right now but it isn't her fault. Make sure she knows that. It's important.( Tell her it's like her best friends and she fight sometimes and they need space to sort things out .May be they'd be best friends again and maybe not ,but it's all ok. Friends do move on but not out of her life.)
Let her help with suggestions for your husband ,to find a place to live where she'd be happy to visit and stay over. Actually there isn't any reason why you couldn't help him move. You'll know where he lives and visit by invitation,occasionally as a friend and see how that works. Make a pact that until this relationship is resolved and you are both ready to move on don't involve other parties in a relationship. Finish 1 before another starts. Otherwise it's real ugly and messy for all concerned.
This situation happend to me when my daughter was 11yrs; I did this exact thing. I arranged initially for my husband to stay at my sisters for a week or 2 thinking he'd be back pronto. It didn't happen. So I helped him move into a flat , gave him some extra stuff to use from home. We kept intouch regularly. I was his friend I didn't put pressure on him or myself. If it's going to be it will be. This went on for 3 months and he returned to the family home. We had another 18yrs happily married. We did eventually get a divorce. It wasn't that we didn't love each other we are still more than best friends .We just had different roads to travel.We both have new Partners and are very happy. All 4 of us and the extended families.
I'm not saying it's going to be easy but if it's meant to be you'll get through this all of you fine. But Make sure. You let your daughter join in and help it's her situation too. This way she won't feel alienated and affraid of unfounded fears. She'll know what's up. She'll be able to share her visits to her Dad's place with you , like friends do and none of this one upman ship will happen. etc.
Consider sending her for councellin when you both go, so she has an outlet too.
Good Luck to you All.
Either way know your Marriage wasn't a failure. I believe people come into our lives for the time they need to be.ie 5wks 5months 50yrs. etc. So we may learn things to help us be more fulfilled and understand more about life, make us stronger etc. We do the same for them. Don't hang onto a marriage that is passed it's used by date. They become Toxic and are killers.Yours isn't by a long shot.

Answer 8

Tell her part truth. That he is not her father, but that the two of you can not live together. Point out that YOU will always be around for her. If you want to tell her the entire truth (that he wants to end the relationship), let your daughter know that it's not because of her, but because of you (he loves someone else, he doesn't love you any more, he wants to get out of relationship...).

Is it possible for him to gradually distance himself from her? Visit regularly in the beginning and then slowly reduce it once your daughter settles in? You should talk to him about it. I can't imagine that he is not attached to her!!

Answer 9

you could desire to be honest and you will't wait to discover a "sturdy time" she for sure is conscious something is misguided so which you will desire to communicate to her as quickly as conceivable. yet earlier you tell her discover out if he is going to proceed being a factor of your daughter's existence. Will he decide to work out her? Will he decide to be blanketed in her college activities and so on.? For all intents and applications he's her "Dad" and he or she would be in a position to not decide to loose him in her existence and should not might desire to...notwithstanding if the two one among you're going your separate techniques. If he is going to stay in her existence then the two one among you may desire to be arranged to place aside your very own issues to make beneficial that she is conscious that like divorce even in spite of the undeniable fact that the two one among you're splitting that doesn't propose that he loves her any much less and desires to be there for her. keep in mind that's not all approximately YOU. sturdy success.

Answer 10

i think u should ask her who she wants to stay with!!!!!!! i know it is hard, but right now u should put her needs before your own. when i left my husband i had a hard time with the kids too, but i asked them if they want to go with me or stay with dad, that made it a bit easier because they had a choice. tell her it does not mean she can nnot ever see him again, that it just isn't working out between the 2 of u. try not to move too far so they can spend time together still and who knows, if u still love him and u r not around maybe he will change his mind and want u both back...................good luck