Why are people so stupid?

Question

It seems each generation of people are more knowledgable than the past but many still use the same stupid 'parenting' techniques? Why do so many parents spank, bully and demean their children to 'show them who is boss'? If would-be parents took the time to read and learn, they would learn about how to raise respectful, well-behaved children who are secure and confidant without belittling them and 'putting them in their place' but also without spoiling them. I'm not saying all parents do this, and I'm not saying anyone can ever be a perfect parent, we will all make mistakes, but I'm talking about people who really think slapping, yelling and calling their kids 'bad' is the best way to teach them how to behave. They really think that is what's best. I think they should teach kids in highschool about parenting so that when they grow up they know what to do. I'm sure I sound obnoxious and I don't mean to, but everytime I see a little kid being called stupid or slapped, I feel so bad.

Hey Celebrate, did it ever occur to you that metal detectors are needed at school not because a lack of slapping but because of a generation of kids being raised by television and video games because both parents had to work and were tired (not their fault but still detrimental) No one is going to convince that what a kid needs is a good spanking. They need love, attention and firm boundaries.

Yes, I'm a parent and an aunt many times over

kids aren't spoiled because they aren't spanked, it's because their parents indulge them rather then saying 'no' and sticking to it. Those parents don't 'parent', they probably just need their kids to like them ALL the time.

One more thing, my point isn't that all 'spankers' are bad parents. Those that have hit their child's hand because he was trying to climb out of a shopping cart or whatever are not who I'm talking about. I mean the parents whose attitude is that every peep out of their child is a challenge that must be dealt with swiftly and ruthlessly. The parents who think they don't have to treat their kids with respect because they are THEIR kids and they will raise them how they want to. Some of you who have written back telling me that you have used spankings as a last resort to discipline your children, I don't think you are bad parents and this critque was not aimed at you.
Shockeedoc; you sound like an awesome parent and maybe you should write a book!
I agree that classes will never provide a 'manual' for how to raise perfect children, but maybe, if young adults are introduced to some concepts of child rearing before they becaome older and more cynical, maybe it can help..just a little!

oldschoolmom; you are right, calling people 'stupid' IS very rude. I wanted to attract people with strong opinions to this question. I really wanted to hear from people who were confident in their parenting skills (regardless of their methods) and I am enlightened because of it. Thank you for your two cents!

Answer 1

One of life's great ponderables; What's the best way to raise children?

Are parent's stupid when it comes to raising their kids? I'd say some, but not most. Some are just too busy to be bothered, others are afraid to deal with their kids. Yet there are those, many of those who are doing the right things and have excellently disciplined kids. My son and my daughter are two of them and their kids are an absolute joy to be around........most of the time. They are still typical kids you know.

I know this is quite a long "one way" dialogue. But this is such an important subject and one could write volumes on such a subject. What I am offering is: first of all, based upon my memories as a child growing up in the 50's and 60's. How simple things were then. Then secondly my own 35 some odd years of raising my own kids, things I did right and some wrong, yet kids growing up can be so resiliant and forgiving, despite ourselves as parents. Someone once said; "God didin't give children to us as parents to teach them. He gave children to parents to teach them." This is so true.

I once said long ago that I was going to write a book about raising kids, but then I had some. Being a fuzzy old grandpa of three grandkids, plus two foster grand kids, I can look back upon many situations where it sure would have been nice to have an instruction manual for each of my kids while they were growing up. There are actually times when I might have been tempted to wish my kids were like Poloroid instant pictures, you know........where I could have just torn them up, throw them away and then tried again.

I reflect upon a suggestion that in some ways sounds good but for those of us who've been there know it would never work, because there simply isn't enough time. That is to take classes to qualify to become parents. This would never work, kids are just so different, none are the same. More about this later. Take my kids for instance. Both very strong willed, but opposit just the same. My daughter was an artist at active resistance early in life, passive resistance later on. Her favorite form of punishment was spanking, because once done it was over and she could get on with life. Most affective on her was restrictions and time out, things like that. My son on the other hand was an artist at passive resistance all his life, plus he had ADD and Dyslexia. Time to him meant nothing. I never had to spank him much though, the evil eye was often all it took to make his lower lip drag on the floor as he walked away.

Now back to education. How in the world would prior education about raising kids have helped me? I learned early on it never would've worked. How was that you might ask? I took a course in my senior year of high school called Family Relations. A lot of it had to do with relations between spouces as they grew up in marriage. My teacher even told me I'd make a delightful husband someday, imagine that. I couldn't wait to get married and try out all the wonderful things I was learning that would help me and my "lucky" wife live happily ever after. Well. I eventually did get married. Did all these great ideas work? No....Why not? Because my wife was too stubborn to allow me to try anything on her. She did agree with my teacher that I'd make a delightful husband, that's why she agreed to marry me..........then we were married. It was soon after that when she found out that I was just like any other typical man and she's been holding it against me for the past 40 years. That's why I will never believe that a special course qualifying parents for raiseing kids would ever work.

But now, looking back and considering everything, I think Carol, (my wife) and I did pretty well raising our kids (a great son, now 30 and a wonderful daughter, now 33). Matthew, my son still worships the ground I walk on and Kathi, my daughter and I have always had a very special relationship. Were we tough on them as they grew up and on occasion needed "special" attention? Sometimes, but not often. On one occasion, my son 12 at the time got a bloody lip for his disrespectful mouth towards his mom. My daughter and I had a very tough session one day when she stole money from her brother. In the process of raising my kids, did I ever do any stupid things in hastyness, poor judgement and/or anger that I probably shouldn't have? Yes and I'm not too proud to say that on several occasions along the way I went back to my kids and in retrospect apologized for using poor judgement.

I know in today's society, we read so much about child abuse and how children are sometimes treated by significant others and sometimes you can hang your head and cry because of the afflictions and scars adults have cast upon so many little ones. One thing that irks me to no end is to see a parent dragging a little kid down the street by the hand, making them run faster than their little legs can carry them and scolding them for being too slow. Another is to call their kids unflattering names; birdhead, dummy, brat, crybaby, things like that.

Think about this for a moment: Love being the motivation behind discipline and mutual trust the bond between child and parent is what prevents punishment from turning into abuse. My kids and I have had a few tough sessions over the years as indicated above, but they never had any doubt that when I came down on them about something, it was because I loved them and cared about things they did, good and bad. They grew up making choices, because they both knew what was expected of them and the prices paid and rewards received for good and bad choices. They trusted their dad and knew without any doubt that he always kept his promises. One of the things I always made a point of doing after a difficult session between one of my kids and I was after about 10-15 minutes, I'd always go back to them with loving arms, dialog with them to make sure they knew without a doubt that their daddy loved them and what exactly brought on the punishment. The art of discipline children is to bring the will under control, while keeping their spirit strong.

There were three main areas of discipline that I inpressed upon my kids that I believe are the roots of all the negative things people do in society to hurt each other. I call them the 3 "D's": Dishonesty, Disrespect and Disobedience. Think about it. I never got on my kids because they sassed their mom, or me. This was disrespect. When my daughter stole her brother's money, it was nothing more than dishonesty. When any of my kids were in trouble for violating curfew, it was their disobedience that they were in trouble for. This made discipline simple for all of us and the punishment meeted out was always based upon those three things.

You know, it's easy for others to look upon a situation where a parent is having to deal with a difficult child in some awkward places and make judgements not supportive to the parent. We as parents who have strong willed children know what I'm talking about. But then It's up to parents to use good judgement when dealing with their unruley kids in awkward situations. There were a few occasions over the years where I went up to a parent doing despicable things to their kids in public places, reminding them of where they were. There were other times when I was able to get eye contact with an unruley kid and give them a "sort of" evil eye which sometimes worked to bring peace. Some parents were appreciative and few were not.

I am convinced that it's OK to meet out appropriate punishment to our kids if discipline has been violated. What I think is often missing is love within child/parent relationships. I don't think abuse to a child is possible if there is genuine love to temper a parent's attitude towards their children. On the other hand some, parents want to be equal friends with their kids. Many parent's these days don't want to put boundaries (discipline) around their kids because they are afraid of making their kids angry at them, or being cast out of the "buddy circle" (whatever that is). As a result kids often rule the roost while parents hide from them scared to death that they will fall out of grace in the event they raise a finger to bring them under control.

I read some of the questions in theis section before deciding to commenting on your observsation. The irony about many questions parents are asking these days about how can I keep my kid from this, or from doing that, is that any advice a person could give is too late for the child without 3rd party intervention. If parents would have just taken a little time earlier on and/or had the courage to bring their child under control while they were younger when it was easier. These things would not be issues today. What a tragety these days when parents have no control over their preteen kids. They are calling out for help, but help if it comes will be difficult, often requiring third party intervention.

I am shockeedoc

Answer 2

Children are individuals and as such should be treated that way. You cannot say what method of discipline is best and should be used for every child. It doesn't work that way. Some children will respond to talking to them rationally. Some will respond to taking away privelages. Others the fact that you are disappointed in them is enough. Then you have those who will only respond to spankings. I think most parents try all other options before resulting to those measures and there is a difference between a spanking and abuse. Yes, of course I agree that name calling and belittling a child is unneccessary and wrong. Alot of times parents will mimick what was done to them as a child not knowing that it is wrong and the effects it will have on their children, but as with anything else a person has to recognize those faults in themselves before they can change them. I think it's a great idea to have mandatory parenting classes so people can know what's right and wrong before becoming a parent. But in that who's is going to say what is right and wrong? You have those who believe that spanking is an automatic no. Putting your child in the corner is an automatic no. You can cover the bases but in the end each parent will decide what they think is best for their child. We won't ever all agree on what methods that should be. I know my child better than anyone else and I know what works and what doesn't.

Answer 3

Sorry, but spanking has worked for many generations. Why fix something that's not broke?? BTW I don't spank my children to "bully" or "show them who is boss", it's a consequence for breaking a rule. You know kind of like in society when you break a rule you get punished. I find your question a good reason why I do spank, my children know better then call someone "stupid" for having a difference of opinion. Yep, another reason for spanking, there's no respect, morals, or down right common courtesy these days. I was raised with some "good old fashioned spankings" and I know better then to call strangers "stupid". Looks like your parents might have overlooked that lesson.

Good Luck

Answer 4

there is a fine line between abusing a child and indulging a child. children need to learn that the parent is in charge and the threat of being spanked will often do this. i was punished this way maybe twice, but just the threat of punishment was enough to set me straight. my younger cousins were raised without spanking as punishment and they are spoiled, have had a very hard time entering the real world where everything is not handed to them and they have no disipline. you cannot reason with a small child, they react to action, not reason. i am not condoning abusing a child but the child needs to know you will not back down. intimidation is completely different from spanking.

Answer 5

I agree with you on people's parenting skills , or the lack thereof. Where I'm from all you see is young people having kids from late teens to early 20's. They honestly don't want the responsibility of the kids, but look at them as trophies as if saying "Hey, look what I can do." They expect the children to come out with manners and good behavior without taking the time to sit down with them and teach them anything. I guess you don't learn anything at the WIC dept or the foodstamp office that most of these people are on. I don't think there is anything wrong with spanking your child as long as it's not for every little thing they do wrong. My philosophy is only spank your child when they are endangering their life or someone else's life. If it's not to that point, then get on their level and tell them that their doing something wrong. What would you prefer-someone who tells you on your level, or someone who overtowers you and telling you you did something wrong.

Answer 6

First off, spanking is not slapping nor is it abuse. Second, if more parents spanked this world would be better of.

You think that spanking and yelling is belittling the child? And what about putting them in the corner? That's not belittling someone? Or these parents who "get down on their level and look them in the eye"? You're telling me THAT'S not belittling someone when you get in their face and tell them "No"?

Are you even a parent? If you're not, then you have no place telling others how to raise their kids. I'm a firm believer in spanking. Why? Because from what I've seen children who aren't not spanked are some of the worst behaved children you'll ever come across.

Ever noticed that since spanking became "wrong" we now have metal detectors at schools and a sky-rocketing rate of teen pregnancies?

Answer 7

I ask myself the same question every day! Especially after reading some of the questions, answers and comments here on Yahoo! Answers.

Seems common sense and good parenting has flown right out the window!

Answer 8

People are creatures of habit - they were raised that way and so they will raise their own children in the same fashion. Others will rebel and do it a better way.

A lot are overcome with anger, stress and frustration...it is sad that they take it out on the children, but they need help too.

Answer 9

It is very sad that parents of today continue to make the mistakes of their parents. People need to wake up and realize that fear does NOT equal respect, ever.

All of you who spank and say I wouldn;t have it any other way, thats fine do what you want, your child your business...but to those of us who happen to be slightly more enlightened all we hear when you say that is....

"i have so little confidence in my parenting skills that I choose to use violence and fear to control my child."

pretty pathetic.

Answer 10

I agree 125% with you! It is so sad that we all need a drivers license to drive a motor vehicle but to be a parent you need nothing. Scary! I like your idea. Maybe a course mandatory prior to graduation in the 12th grade or something.

Answer 11

I agree! It's not about telling them their bad it;s about explaining to the that what they did was bad!!!