I met my father and I don't like him, what do I do?

Question

I met my biological father when I was 21. I have seen him periodically over the past few years since. He is pretty clearly a serious alcoholic and he is living with his mother. He wants to be a big part of my life now that I have moved back to my hometown to go to law school, but I am very busy and I don't actually like him. For a while, he was calling almost every day, trying to come over to our house to hang out. I don't want to hang out and I don't have time. He is very nice to me, but we have nothing in common. NOTHING. I honestly can say I don't enjoy his company at all.
I feel very bad b/c I know he doesn't have much in his life and seeing me makes him happy, but I have a lot going on and don't feel like I should be emotionally responsible for a stranger.
It was not entirely his fault that he was not around when I was younger. My mother got married when I was two and told him not to come around. He called my grandmother a lot over the years to hear about me.

part of the problem is he does not seem to understand what I mean by busy. I mean first year of law school busy - I barely see my husband, rarely see my family I know and love, much less a drunken stranger.

I don't like the suggestion that I owe him anything. If I owe anything to anybody, it is the two people who actually raised provided for me. They would prefer I have nothing to do with my father. He is not my 'Dad' and I resent people telling me I have not given him a fair shot. How could you know that? You don't. Just because I share a biological relationship with someone doesn't mean that they have to be a great person deep down.
Also, people suggesting I see him once every week or every two weeks do not understand what busy means either. I don't see my mother and my sister that often - the people I know and actually enjoy seeing. If I am lucky, my husband and I get to go out together every few weeks.
Also, my father doesn't have any money to go do anything anywhere and the last time he came over the house he stayed for way too long, ate my pizza, drank all my beer and then needed a ride b/c he doesn't have a car.

Answer 1

Well I can kind of related. Since I have a biological father who I meet at 19. What you need to do is talk to him and say how you feel and what you can give now. He might but not like that but if he wants to be in your life he needs to respect your space. If you want him in your life then you can tell him you want him to be apart but it is going to be taken slow. If you do that invite him to things and call him once in awhile just to talk. I know my biological father kinda did the overkill thing, too. Though yours sounds like a lot nicer guy than mine. Just remember set your boundries and make them clear and take it slowly. Even if you have nothing in common you might be able to learn something from him and at worse it never hurts to have one more person fully behind you. Hope this helps

Answer 2

I would suggest that you don't turn your back on your father. He is what he is and that is all that he can be. Most alcoholics seem to be drained emotionally and drink to back away from life. It is the waste of a life and he has lost out big time. You know how it feels to be a daughter without a father so you know how he feels now-a father without a daughter. He did make an effort to keep up with you and that is a lot more than some fathers do. Forgive him and make a little time. If you don't, I guarantee you will regret it later. You have something in common-your blood. If you spend a little time, you will have something to talk about and things to share and it is about time. Go for it and don't lose something you are entitled to-time with your father. There will come a time when you won't have a choice. You don't have to spend a lot of time but at least be the bigger person and acknowledge him and give him a call and let him know what you are doing. Tell him you are busy and control the meetings-like meet him for a coffee or soda and then you can leave on your own time. I can't tell whether you are hurt and afraid to open up or really rather cold and unfeeling. Either way you're going to lose too.

Answer 3

You still need compassion, at least be honest with him. Sit down and tell him that the two of you don't have anything in common and that you are very busy going to school and just don't have time to hang out. If he cares the way you think, he will know it's time to back off.

Answer 4

This is obviously a hard situation, but maybe your mother knew what she was doing when she told him to stay away. Since you have already made contact and seen him, I would suggest just being as kind as possible and explain that you are VERY busy. I can understand why he views you as such a "big" part of his life....and I can understand the potential pressure that must place on you. Just remember that if being with him makes you uncomfortable in any way, shape, or form....you have got to be true to yourself.

Answer 5

Give him a chance. He didn't have the chance back then to make it up to you because your mum took you away from him too soon. What if the reason he became an alcoholic is because he lost you? Now how do you feel about that? You're not giving him any room for him to show his love for you because you're busy implanting a bad image of him in your mind. That man has been trying hard to reach out to you, and all you can think of is that he's alcoholic, and that you're too busy for him. Grow up and face the reality. He's your father whether you like it or not. It's time you make peace with him and spend some time with him while he's still around. Don't look down on him because he has nothing in his life. Call it bad karma or whatever you want, but I believe whatever goes around, comes around. Look yourself in the mirror and seriously evaluate how you treat and think of him, and think to yourself if you're any better in any way. Good luck!

Answer 6

You have every right not to want to have anything to do with him, but he is trying. Maybe you see nothing in common because you have bad feelings about him. You have moved on with your life, your becoming an adult, and in a way, I think you are trying to forget who you really are. He is your dad, there is no way of getting around that. Not everyone has a perfect life, not everyone has it all together. I think for an alcoholic living with his mother, he is trying his best to know you. I'm not saying spend every day with him, but try giving him a chance. If you stop trying to see all of the bad stuff, you might see a part of you in him, and it might not be that bad. I feel you shouldn't give up hope on him, just like he hasn't given up on you. This is just my opinion. Good Luck to you.

Answer 7

You do not have any emotional ties to this man. It does not sound as if he was capable of coming through with any type of child support. You do not owe him anything. Sometimes alcoholics use ANY relationship with anyone if it suits their lifestyle. Alcoholics can be incredibly selfish and destructive, be careful. On the brighter side this man sounds as if he has never had anything to be proud of in his life, but it sounds like you are something to be proud of. His interest could be sincere. Just don't let it interfere with your own personal goals. Someone told me years ago. Always put yourself first, no matter how selfish that sounds, they said you must put yourself first, "its called survival",

Answer 8

my dad left when I was 3 years old, and I didnt see him again till I was 18, and when I did he didnt want to be a part of my life. he's in the army and he drinks, but what happend in the past is the past. if you want to get to know him, try letters and cards, photos. that way you are not right in the middle of his world. but you show that you care and are trying, but you are busy, he will understand.

Answer 9

Whatever your heart tells you what to do. Not to feel bad about not liking him. He's a stranger. Just because he's your dad in name only is not reason to feel warmth from/for him. Continue your life and make it count for something while being joyful for who you are.

Answer 10

maybe just try setting aside a specific time for him, like maybe have him over once a week for lunch and that or meet him for lunch if you wnt to limit your time with him, doesn't even have to be a weekly basis, can set it down however you want. That way you are controlling when he sees you and you aren't cutting him out completely. Call him and organise a time and that.