A number of years ago I lost and then regained contact with my father. In the space of the few years we lost contact he had remarried (wife #4) and had 2 sons who were then quite young. He told me he had not told his current wife (18yrs his junior) about his first 2 wives or that my brother and I existed.
I agreed to stay secret until such time that the boys were grown and have had no contact with him as I did not want to be part of any lies or subterfuge that may have taken place had we decided to continue to meet up. The boys are now grow. Mid to late teens.
Divulging my existence could cause problems in his current relationship or not.
Essentially I have two half brothers and a father in his late 60's who has denied my existence to his current family for the last 15 years or so.
Any opinions? Leave well alone or tread carefully forwards?
2006-12-30 22:02:08 · 19 answers · asked by ddodwella 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
He is a despicable man, I can't imagine the heart-break you have gone through. It is time to stop chasing him for love. He is not capable! From your post I can see that you are an adult but still harboring feelings of rejection from what this man has put you through. You are going to have to come to terms with the way you and your brother have been treated, don't allow him to hurt you anymore. You are his child not some dirty little secret for him to be ashamed of and to deserve abandonment. I am sickened by his behavior and the anguish you are still suffering.
With that being said....I had a friend that went through the same thing you are going through. Her father had abandoned her when she was two and went on with his life like she never existed. Throughout the years his parents kept contact with her and tried to compensate for their son's ignorance. They would set up visitations..he would never show. For eighteen years she tried to be part of his life, although he had remarried and had another child that he doted on. On her 18th b-day, as her accomplise, we drove 4 hrs. and showed up on his door-step. There was no denying her then, they were a spitting image of one another. His new wife was horrified! They visited for a few hours then we left. From that day on he tried to make up for the past, but her resentment only grew the more she got to see what a good life he had made for her half-brother. That was 18 years ago and she regrets that visit to this day, she has made the choice that she is better off without him in her life and the pain can never be compensated.
The choice is ultimately yours, but he made the choice years ago to do what he did and to me that is unforgivable. You have a brother and haven't gone through this alone, your pain is shared. Heal together, don't let this man keep hurting you any longer. Personally, I would confront him in the presence of his new family and let them see him for what he is, worthless!
Good Luck, you are in my prayers!
2006-12-31 01:42:52 · answer #1 · answered by stacey h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My dad didn't tell me about his first wife or my half-siblings. I discovered a picture of my brother and then it came out. Years later, my father said something to the effect that my finding that picture wasn't an accident. I am SO SORRY that my father lied to me, as he was otherwise an excellent guy. It forever changed the way I feel about him. I think what he did was cowardly, and I feel sorry for my older siblings, although we've never discussed this.
I'd call your dad on this. Ring him up. You agreed to stay secret until the kids are grown. I think it's time to come clean. However, you have to be prepared that he may not ever want to confess. After all, it will change the way his family views him forever. But, if it's bothering you, I'd at least confront him on it and let him know how you feel and hear what he has to say.
I'd also find out what your legal rights are. I hope you have some proof that you're his kid, as you may need it.
2006-12-30 22:07:46 · answer #2 · answered by Katherine W 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have a 6, 5, and 3 year old. They have 2 half sisters that they have never met. They are 12 and 13. My husband and I let them know that they have 2 sisters that live far away and have a different mommy and daddy. It hasn't really affected them yet. I think more questions will arise when they are older.
2016-05-22 23:19:27 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In a way i admire you because after all this your still taking into consideration contacting your father. The truth is that if you strongly feel like you want to then go for it! I don't think there's any right or wrong answer do this...its up to you..and you have the right to go either way without having to feel any type of guilt in the end.
2006-12-31 03:24:01 · answer #4 · answered by Amusing but confusing 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you should let your half brothers know that they have 2 more siblings out there.
Be the better person in this situation, It may be easy to just walk away just like your father did and to leave it be, but you have every right to be part of their lives. I'm sure you would like to get to know them.
It may cause problems in his current relationship but that isn't your fault. It's all his problem for being dishonest for so many years. Then again it's not like he hasn't been divorced before :P
Just go for it, I doubt you'd regret it.
Best of luck in the new year.
=]
2006-12-30 22:26:26 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Bless your heart ! Well you have done what he has asked. So dont feel bad.But enough is enough ! You really need to do whatever you can to contact your father. Its time for the games to stop. It isnt your fault or any other family members fault that he chooses to keep you a secret. It isnt fair to them either. It wont be easy..but you will probably gain alot after the drama. I would make myself known to all. Good Luck !
2006-12-30 23:15:39 · answer #6 · answered by Candy F 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well I myself have not met my biological father and I am 23 years old. I also have half-brothers and sisters, but I have not contacted them. I do know that my grandmother, his mother, knows about me and would like to see me. I have yet to make my decision on this matter. But in your case, seeing as you have already had contact with your father, I would tell him that he should tell his new wife and your half brothers about you, tell him that if he does not do this then you will contact them personally and tell them about yourself. This is just a suggestion on what you should do. What you decide to do is all up to you. Good Luck with this.
2006-12-30 22:15:31 · answer #7 · answered by Chris H 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Dear God you sound a little like me. My father has been married 4 times as well, though, he never denied of my existence but he did leave his other 4 daughters and 2 son's for 20 years.. But now he is paying for old time, he visits them most of the time whenever he can.
I guess you should sit down with your father and tell him that "you understand he has a new life because of a new family but do not forget that he has old ones as well, and that he cannot just leave things like that, he needs to spend time with you as well. Sitting down and talking calmly should help you out."
Tell your father that you dont want all of his time and love but atleast a little so that you know you still have a father.
Do not leave things un-told.
God bless you and your family.
2006-12-30 22:08:22 · answer #8 · answered by alice_nobleandkind 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I feel sorry for the woman that is married to your father. She is married to a man that was married before and has other children and does not know about them.. What a very sad thing.
If I were you I would contact your new siblings and get to know them.
I find it VERY unfair of your father to ask you to wait until his children are older so you can have no contact with them. Why would he ask this of you.
2006-12-30 22:50:32 · answer #9 · answered by LadyCatherine 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
ah just leave it alone. my dad decided after 30 years of having a relationship with us that he didn't think he was our biological father after all. mind you over that time period it was just an emotional roller coaster of did he want to see us or not see us. (parents divorced and he only wanted us to see him when we were of a useful age and could help him in his shop etc).
honestly, when you have your own kids do you really want to subject them to all the bull$hit? spare them the ride and surround them with the love of family and friends. My kids have an 'adopted' granddad who's perfect in every way.
Aww shucks, Alice has a point in talking it over with him. But give him the one chance only and then live your own life. and don't worry about things like his Will etc if you can, spare yourself the drama.
2006-12-30 22:08:49 · answer #10 · answered by cybachic2000 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋