Solve relation question with adult son's behaviors?

Question

Please give me advice, I am at wit's end...
-1-- My son is 23, daily just try to get by and won't search new, ie be pro-active, re: how to be better, eg. transfer to 4-year college, find better paying job, etc
-2--Brings girlfriend home to sleep, this is against my wife and my ethical principles, worse he is setting examples to younger sibling that it's ok to sleep with opposite sex before, and not even thinking about marriage
-3--Makes money but spend by himself only, without helping out with family expense, such as rent or grocery payments. Currently he takes a whole bedroom in a 3-bedroom house with total 5 memebers.
-4--Won't graduate from Jr College after been there 4 years, always have execuses eg. changed major, missed registratin, couldn't get class, could't sign up for class because did not take prerequisite class. His one-year younger sister already graduated from 4-year college

Answer 1

Should you find out and accept the purpose of college in the scheme of life, you would have one obstacle less to recognise.

Most colleges cater to the general populace. That’s right. General and Popular. Not all individuals can fit into a general set of man made schemes of education laid out to meet expediency of administration and time to assure revenue before education.

Getting a job no matter how meager the pay is to seek working experience. Working experience is a form of education.

Education is not only in the classroom but on the streets. Guidance and rapport in this instance may constitute a life line from being mislead and adopting a negative approach in viewing life outside the work environment.

Some shocks of working life could be simply told up front to prepare a young mind, without making working life look rosy and all manly.

In time, you will likely need to guide (not teach) and consol him on how to deal with work place inequities and life, for which there is no formulae, given each environment is different. Assuming that he will pick issues up as easily as you do is a gross oversight.

Lessons in life sunders both good and the bad in terms of values, ties, traditions, religion and so on. Learning to redirect and reduce negative effects is of greater importance, whilst technical competency may be picked up through humble beginnings with a sustained positive outlook no matter how bleak it gets, through the support of helpful hearts and minds. Easier said than done.

Priortise education events now that will significantly affect your sons life, bearing in mind that he may not be prepared psychologically to follow your directions. Be honest, the first act of selflessness is that it must never be your aspirations, but his to explore and realise. Sometimes working first then studying is a better option.

In digressing, coercion by parents and peers only effects rejection and at best, poor performance; coercion by whatever means has seldom garnered positive over reaching results.

Is there a workplace and life stigmatism for people without a college education ?

Is college for the purpose of education , training the mind for certain tasks or merely getting a perceived cushy job ?

Or perhaps it is none of these questions raised. (As the audience are unware of the environment and country from which the Asker hails from.)

Professional courses do not require college and may be taken whilst studying.


Endless Convolutions

Your son could be suffering from severe depression with parents that were and are either overbearing or very apathetic at key moments in his life. One can only speculate without further details as to family environment and son’s group of friends as observed by independent persons.

Ask yourself:

How do your colleagues and friends regard you, not on a business level, but on a personal relationship;

Are you…
… aware of your expression, demeanor, and outward disapproving appearance to your son;
… wise and selfless enough to consistently mask disappointment for you son, until he is able to stand on his own two feet;
… a single parent or were or in unstable relationships;
… in an environment where everybody are for themselves, including yourself; lead by example;
… honest with yourself or is this honesty self imposed such that you believe that you are honest with yourself; Dare you open yourself to scrutiny by public opinion;
… conniving of your son’s and spouse’s actions when they do something wrong;
… capable of dealing with specific issues with maturity;
Maturity in this case does not mean nor apply to experience gained from surviving the office or work place where subconscious indoctrination is often mistaken as a sign of universal social maturity, beguiled on by misguided lauded office opinion, supported with pay rise and bonuses. Note that attitudes based on performances are time restricted, regardless the human element. All it means is that you are good at your job, not necessarily mature in social relations. Is this the case and can you own up quietly ?
… honest with your aspirations; are your son’s aspirations his or someone elses (friends, television, parents…);
… ready to eat humble pie and listen to advice of more experienced strangers;
… overbearing in your expression or apathetic in contributing to family life;
… similar to you son in disposition and nature;
… judgmental but when you are under the spot light, spin a different tale.
… presumptuous and assuming in the way daily life is managed. This is a habit that most people cannot spot. It takes another to spot this trait and is difficult to own up and admit;
… aware of where life heads for this young man. What does he see in the future;
… truthful to yourself.

Do you…
… know your son’s aspirations, sadness, frustrations, fear, uncertainty;
… know and admit to your own aspirations, sadness, frustrations;
… know and own up to your own aspirations, sadness, frustrations, openly to your family;
… know your son’s aspirations, realize how you would react knowing his situation, sans experience and knowledge;
… look within yourself before looking elsewhere;
… listen to others;
… act on what you preach or preach and then tow the office line and all public opinionated ideals simply because it is the done thing, subsequently apply this at home without knowing it;
… encourage your son to try new things without judging and being critical without having gone through it yourself;
… listen;
… listen without acceptance;
… think you know all, that this question was raised for its purpose or a means to edify one’s position or that of your son’s.
… think your son is selfish but thinks otherwise. It takes another to spot this trait and is difficult to own up and admit.
… think you are selfless but in actual fact, selfish in word and deed. It takes another to spot this trait and is difficult to own up and admit.
… lead by example and follow through with guidance and explanation;
… treat others, including your son, as you would your boss or customer, in word, expression, deed and action.

One test of one’s own opinion must be assessed by another person impartial to your bias.

Looks like positive relations are required to live life again. A third party counsellor may serve to salve your needs and address the now to buy time to find a solution but not solve the situation.

When making comparisions of your experience, work and life experiences to his, apply not your experience to the context of old but the year 2006. Although cerntain principles seldom deviate, different pressures and interpretations make a world of difference.

This answer is not a substitute for professional advice.

My Two Pennies Worth.

Answer 2

i know it hurts when kids brought up with difficulty turn bad and make u feel that why did u gave birth to them ,,,,,,,but at this time u need to be very very careful with all ur plan
1. first of all if he in college if u r paying for his fees u cancel his enrollment and stop his studies for a while untill he tries to get a bit better but he is paying himself then u cannot do anything.He is old enough to study now and he must find a job .

2.when ever he brings his girlfriend at home u change the house locks and dont allow him to come in ask him to find some room is hotel. As he has never bothered about ur respect u dont be an emotional fool to let him fullfill his wishes

3. If asks u why he cannot enter the house, Then just smile and as him to call girlz parents to talk for fixing a marriage otherwise he cannot bring it. you have to be very very firm with this and the whole family needs to be supporting you.

4. If he screams or shouts leave him alone and when he will cool down he will stop or he will be arrested by the police, i know u r his parents ur heart wont allow this but sometimes u have to be cruel to others to be kind to yourself. After 48 hrs only you get him on bail

5.Actually one of neighbours kids behaved like that old widow became very very harsh with her son, whom she had brought up alone. SHe even refuse to cook for him and kicked him out of her property too

6. Asking help from relatives from the community can be embrassing but it will help and make your son consicous.

keeping your cool and controlling his money, spending, hunger can help

This not my personal experience but i have seen one lady doing it with 6 months she was able to put her son life back on track . he worked as a labourer in a factory and now he is well reputated lawyer

All the best

Answer 3

Truly, he is taking advantage of you. Stop listening to his excuses. Tell him he has 2 weeks to find a new place. He obviously doesn't care about the family or what you want and expect of him. He's being a loser because you're giving him a free ride. I hate to tell you this dad, but you're half the problem. After you give him his two weeks notice, if he hasn't packed and left, box up his stuff and set it out in the front yard. Period. Then change the locks on the doors. You are enabling him to be a loser and if you don't stop now he will never bother to grow up.

Answer 4

Lay down the hammer. Make him pay rent or get out. This could be, in fact it should be, one of the most difficult things you ever have to do. If he failed to learn a will to succeed in high school, that doesn't mean it's too late. But I think if someone is going to learn how to become an adult, they can't do it in their parents' house. Force him to face the music. See if he can't beat the odds and make something for himself, I'm sure he has potential.

Answer 5

That boy needs to go to boot camp or something.. You can kick him out :( it's a hard option, but it forces him to better himself. Does he have any priveleges you can take away? Or, lock him out of the house so he can't bring girls home? You have to be very firm, people like that are hard to change. Good luck!

Answer 6

you will desire to have a verbal substitute including your son and enable him comprehend that his habit became embarrassing and tasteless. which you recognize he's of age to drink yet he became being very irrelevant along with his gf in public. i could tell him he would not would desire to drink that lots around his kinfolk if he cant administration himself and despite he needs to do on his own time is his employer.

Answer 7

the only reason he is doing this stuff, is cause u let him. now he is taking advantage of u, and will continue to do so. until u put ur foot down. he needs to realize he is not a child any more, he needs to be responsible for his actions, and grow up.