Do your best
This should be good
Whoever makes me split my sides laughin wins 10 points.
Anything goes, stories,jokes whateeeeever!!!!!!
2006-12-30 18:03:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
transcript of an actual conversation between a US naval ship and the Canadian authorities of the coast of Newfoundland October 1995.
US: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision
US: This is the Captain of the US Navy ship.I say again divert YOUR course.
Canadians: I say again divert YOUR course.
US: This is the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise, the largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH. OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse - your call.
!!!?????!!!!
2006-12-30 18:39:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
OK, I'm also bored browsing Jokes & Riddles. I'll give you my 5-day old original blond joke (hope you never read it before)...where out of 20 readers...18 rated it 10/10...while the other 2 said they aren't amused.
Turns out one of the two is a bored imbecile...the other a bored autistic. So, depending how you rate this...decides which group you belong. Here goes...
In a Sky jumping school, all students were readying for their very first jump. Naturally, all were excited and nervous. With their plane aloft at 8,000 ft, the Jump Master made a final reminder:
So girls and boys, this is it!. Remember what I've been telling you all along...forget your 'Altimeter'...on your descent when you see People on the ground starts to look like Ants, that's the time you open your chute...OK? Everybody nodded.
A little while later, all 20 students were out of the plane. One by one, their chutes began to pop up like mushrooms over the sky...except for Blond jumper. To the horror of her jump mates and the crowds below, blond jumper chute didn't open and she went free falling to the ground. Thud!!!
>>>Fast Forward to Heaven's Gate, with St. Peter screening all new comers>>>
Blond's turn now:
ST. PETER: So, what are you IN for?
BLOND: We'll.. I fell from a plane
ST. PETER: I know, based on your files, you forgot to open your chute?
BLOND: No, I was all the while focused on the way down
ST. PETER: Then why did you not open your chute?
BLOND: I tried, but I guess it was too late
ST. PETER: Hmmm, that's strange. It also says in your record you're clean of drugs and the chute's not defective...
BLOND: (adding with conviction)...and I followed the jumpmaster's instruction to the letter
ST. PETER: (who's about to close the book and call it a day, puzzled, looked at blond)..so, what about the instruction?
BLOND: ...to open my chute when I see Ants on the ground starts to look like People....
2006-12-30 22:11:01 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. Kite 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're in a lighthouse in ireland? thats cool.
suggestions for personal amusement:
flicker the light...(maybe not), play with shadows *sticks hand in front of light* its a bird! *watches ship crash* my bad..., fish off of the top of the lighthouse (you'll need a really long line for this), buy a rubix cube (it'll drive u mad..or u'll figure it out and everyone will think ur smart), count the seagulls...then count their craps...(yes this just passes time), say things in a funny accent of your choice, talk to yourself out loud, write a book about how boring working in a lighthouse is, paint a picture, cut up the picture, put the picture back together (w00T a puzzle), learn a new skill, practice magic tricks, learn something useless, gain a new talent, pick up a new hobby (counting seagulls), read a stupid list (like this one), and my personal favorite; sit and think of things you could do (or better not do) to pass the time while working in a lighthouse on the northern tip of ireland...
2006-12-30 19:12:48 · answer #3 · answered by lordessdanioz 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Cherie Blair wins the Miss Universe competition
2006-12-30 18:45:04 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Went into chemists and asked "do you fit old men with Trusses"
"yes"was the reply, so I said ,, "O K will you wash your hands and weigh me some cough drops"
_____________________
Went up a lighthouse once,and went outside for a pee, I was surprised to be joined by a Blackman, I noticed that his member was much longer than mine, so I asked him how this was so, his reply was that as a young boy they used o tie a weight on the eend to stretch it ,, so I went home and tried it ,, now Ive got black one
2006-12-30 19:59:37 · answer #5 · answered by alan j UK 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK. Someone told me this once - you've probably heard it..but listen really good, ok?
It's a riddle....
A guy walks into a house, doesn't see anything wrong, doesn't hear anything, goes up the stairs, turns the lights on, and then.....
(what do you think he does?)
2006-12-30 18:19:42 · answer #6 · answered by hey you 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
2 Essex girls in a pub and a really good looking fella walks in, one notices he has dandruff and says to her mate "he needs head and shoulders" the other says "how do you give shoulders". all the best hope you get loads of answers
2006-12-31 00:28:17 · answer #7 · answered by sandra m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I didn't think lighthouses where manned any more?
That's a joke, if your sitting in one and you shouldn't be there.
2006-12-30 18:23:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
HELL NO!!! You're really THERE????? And you are bored??? Shame on you dude!! I'd much rather slap you silly than make you laugh!!!! You should see where I am!!!!!
2006-12-30 18:06:09 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hope you got sound! you will laugh your **** off listening to this I swear! :-)
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
2006-12-30 18:12:50 · answer #10 · answered by brisbane b 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋