What should I do???

Question

About a year ago, Me, the hubby & 2 of our 3 children moved from Indiana to California. My oldest son (15, now 16) wanted to stay in Indiana to finish high school. I allowed him to move in with my Mother, she is widowed and was thrilled. However, since then she has been allowing my son to do what ever he wants, without limits and to me it seems she is using him as a surrogate husband, by this I mean, she allows him to make the decisions on dinner, when they eat, what they do, etc... I do not feel this is healthy for my son, or my mother. My mother has lost her ability to discipline my son. I don't want him to hate me, but I am afraid how he will turn out now that he is not getting the proper supervision he needs or discipline. What should I do????

Ok, I have talked with my mother on this matter. Immediately she takes the defensive and says that if I move my son out to CA, I will ruin him. I have stipulations set in place that he needs to spend the summer, spring break& Christmas break with us here in CA. This holiday, I actually gave my son a choice, if he wanted to come out for Christmas and he chose not too. I think my mother talked him into not coming because she did not want to be alone for two weeks. My husband also feels that she poured on the guilt with my son that if he leaves her, other than to go to college, she will just stop taking all of her medicines and let herself dye.

Answer 1

I was in this exact situation only we went from NY to IN. My oldest son did not want to leave his high school and I allowed him to make the choice of staying with my mother so he could finish out school there. She would not discipline him, would not set any limits for him,would let him live on pizza and junk food and make the food choices in the house, would not require him to do any chores or do anything he did not want to do. I tried talking to her and to him about it but she seemed incapable of taking the reins, and really I think she was somewhat afraid that if he didn't 'like' living with her he would leave and she'd be alone. And trying to set limits with him by phone just did not work. My mother and I argued about it, my son and I argued about it because I had decided to let him finish the last few months of that year and then come to Indiana, and it was just bad all around. I later learned that even though he fought and cried and pleaded to be left in NY that he was angry as all get out that I hadn't Made him come. Of course I believe he would have been equally mad had I forced him to go, but such is life with a teenager. My mother died suddenly before the school year was out, and I'm very happy that she wasn't alone before she died, but if I had to do it over again I'd have made him come over with his siblings from the beginning instead of drawing it out. I think at that age they really Want to be grown-up but are not quite ready for complete freedom. Is there any way your mom could relocate to CA?

Answer 2

If the main problems are that she is allowing him to make these decisions, maybe that is not a bad thing. I have known MANY college students that couldn't make the most basic of decision because they had never had the chance.

It depends on exactly what the other issues are - if she is not supervising him in a way that he will end up arrested or a father, then you need to bring him to CA. If he is just spending all evening playing video games, that is a different story.

Three years [which is how long I assume he was to live with your m till he finished school] was sort of a long time for him to live away from home. It would cause all kinds of problems if you brought him to CA now.

You will have to decide if the issues are serious enough for you to insist that he come to CA. Are there any other relatives in IN who he could live with that would be more appropriate choices? Would your mother be willing to compromise and set some rules that you would be more comfortable with?

Answer 3

WOW, you do have a problem. Do not bring him to California. We do not have good school discipline here. He would be worse off here in California. His friends are there. Not right to up lift a good teenager who is close to graduating and take all his friends and everything away from him. Please don't do that.

I was talking to a woman just the other day. She is so disappointed in the public schools here. She says the teachers curse at the kids. If he is in a good school.. let it go.

Maybe you can shake your Mom up a bit. And have your son report in to you every day on the phone. Hows his grades?

Indiana has to be the lesser of two evils. Good luck.

Remember you already taught him right from wrong. He is past the age of learning that. Now he is where he needs to demonstrate what he knows. Does he have a job after school?

Answer 4

Aww I see what you mean understand how you feel completely. I think it's because your mother is alone and doesnt want anybody to mess up there companonship...In her mind she probably thinks that there is any thing wrong with this but there is. You wouldnt want your son to take advantage of her and also you dont want him to be mad at you for moving him back to indiana... But something has to give you ARE Right when they say that it is not healthy the best advice i can give you is too do what you no is not right and listen to your heart as parents the last thing we want is to have are kids hate us but what can you do.. Its either hurt them now are hurt them more later.. get him back at home where he has boundries and get him back on trac hope this helps

Answer 5

It's not your mother's fault. She is just trying to make him happy. Nothing against you, but he is here without his family. Have you talked to him??? Let him know that unless things change he will be moving out with you. I wouldn't go about telling your mother she is doing wrong, maybe just let her know how you feel of your sons actions, and you are setting down rules, and the only thing you ask of your mother is to help reinforce this guidelines. As your mother, she knows what it is like to want the best for your children, I'm sure she will understand. I live in Indiana. Sure there are things to get you into trouble, but I hope he is not getting into trouble that could effect his future. Be stern with your son. I'm sure it will all work out. Good Luck

Answer 6

You are a parent, not a friend. You will decide what is best for your children as long as they are under your care--whether they like it or not. How you explain it or how you enforce it is your decision---not moms--she'll get over it. You are right about her letting your son make decisions as an adult man---some women were taught any man will make the decisions--your dad did for many years. Now your son is that man. ..and she is being accomodating as usual. Your sons are not able to make their own decisions---by law--so before this really gets out of hand, take them back..and they will toe the line or else. At 18 they can leave if they stay mad at you---you did your best and that's it.

Answer 7

My parents moved out of state when I was 15. I left all of the friends I ever knew. I graduated from the new school. I graduated on a thursday and left on a friday. No harm done. I was able to go back and visit for every long holiday and every summer. I knew what was best for me was to stay with my family and graduate and then move back "home". Get him back home with you. He'll survive. Leaving him behind with Mom obviously isn't working out. The longer you let this go on, the more you'll be upsetting the order of things.

Answer 8

Can you discuss your concerns with you mother? Maybe come to some form of "plan of action". If not my advice is to pull him out of there, deal with emotions this will cause and know deep down you are doing this for the best for your son and your mother.

It's a tough call. Hope someone on here can give you the right answer.

Answer 9

I think, at 16 he must already be able to not only learn how to make his own decisions, but already making them. Little boys must be disciplined. He is not a little boy anymore. He will be moving out and starting his own life in a year or two. Your mom is doing a great job in supporting his independence and helping him to stay on his two feet. If he is going to make mistakes, he will learn from them. I just can't imagine how a sixteen-year old young man can be disciplined by a grandma.

Answer 10

Get your son with you---right now.
A 16 year old is not a man and needs discipline and stability.
Your son is your primary responsibility--any mistakes he makes could affect him for the rest of his life.