Are there any other moms who don't like motherhood?

Question

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (ages 9 and 4).
But I absolutely hate motherhood! I feel like a psycho for feeling this way, but gosh, there is so much I can't do anymore. I am just not into Barbie, Playstation, board games, cartoons. I would rather be out on the motorcycle with my hubby, shopping, riding my bicycle, dancing the night away, etc.
I am not a bad mother, my 4 yr old is smartest in her class. They are both well behaved (mostly!) healthy, and loved. I wrestle with them, read to them, play with them do all the things a mother should do, and I DO love them, but something is missing....I just don't feel the "mother instinct" that would make me jump in front of a train to save them.
Could it be that I suffered post partum depression with both of them and somehow "missed" something? Please don't tell me to get counseling, been there, done that. I've taken a parenting class read several books, but cant find anything except how great and wonderful its supposed to be.

Ok...so according to Gary, because I don't like barbie, playstation and get down and play with my kids every second after working 40 hrs a week and taking care of household duties, I should give my kids up?? That's real mature. This question was directed to other moms...if you even have kids, and from your attitude it dont sound like it...I'm sure their mom does a hell of a lot more for them than u do. As for the other question, if he is one of those that deserve it, fine. Glad to be helping out with his medical bills, just wish I could pay my own. Maybe he should budget a little better if he is cutting it that close, especially around the holidays when mail is slower. If I was a rich snob as you imply, I would hire a nanny like Britney and go out whoring around all night ...that is not what I want. For years I have enjoyed dancing, and cannot do it as often as I used to and I miss it, that's all. Thanks for your insight and Happy New Year...God Bless!!!

Answer 1

I dont like it actually. My kid is 2, and my husband is 32 and I feel like Im more his mom than the kids.
Its not always fun and Im losing out on a pension, career and money of my own for this, while hubby makes his money and all.
Councelling is kinda stupid, wow, pay someone to listen to you, please.
I do love my son as well, but for some reason I have no maternal feelings. weird I guess.

Answer 2

I completely understand how you feel. I pretty much didn't like it either when my kids were the ages yours are. But, let me tell you, it gets better. When they turn 17, it will be better. Now, other things will be worse...you will worry when they drive or are out late, but the stuff you're talking about now will be better. I am totally loving being the mother of a 19 and 21 year old. They both still live at home and it's very enjoyable. I didn't care for being tied down because I was so young at the time my kids were small. Just hang in there...it DOES get better. I do have to add that I have NO desire to have grandkids and have told both my kids not to give me any. I'm done with babies.

Answer 3

First of all you need to grow up. If you are not willing to give your life so that they can live, you need to let someone else have them that loves them enough to lay down their own life for them. Most parents would jump in front of a train to save their children, without even thinking about it first. You were suppose to know that you would have to give up all that teenage stuff when you planned to have children. You're suppose to enjoy doing things with them now. It doesn't matter if you are into games or not. What do you mean there's so much you can't do anymore? You sound like a teenager. You need to get a life! That is no kind of life - dancing the night away...makes me sick. What kind of a life is motorcycle riding? Just riding down the road, doing nothing but riding down the road.You had those kids so get down there and play with them rather you like it or not! And it shouldn't be indoor stuff like you are talking about doing with them. Bike ride with the kids, go camping with them. You also need to quit putting down poor people that can not work because of bad health. They can not help it. They can not always make their money last if their bills are about as much as their checks. We have unforeseen things that come up also, such as car trouble that may cost hundreds, appliances that break down that cost to be fixed. If you were in our shoes, you would know that you cannot always stretch the money when these things are happening. Our checks are not that much. I did not think I would be on disability, but accidents happen. It could easily happen to you, too. And no one else pays for our disability. You will think differently when it becomes your turn to get ss or any government help. If you don't need it, then consider yourself blessed. What we paid in when we worked is where the money comes from. Many people are misinformed about this. Check out the websites on disability and you will see. It may have went other places at the time we were working, but it comes back when we draw ss. We eventually reap what we sow. I paid taxes, too. Probably a lot more than you have. For 35 years, plus other taxes for 20 years. So don't think you are paying anything for me. If anything, I have probably paid for something that you are using now, if the taxes went to better your lives. If those taxes we all paid in back then did not go to our ss disability, I am sure they went to something that benefitted you in some way too.

Answer 4

I understand how you feel (mother of 5 myself) Here's one thing that helped me out quite a bit. Go out once in a while. Go do the things that you miss doing or you want to do with your husband. Sounds to me like you don't get out as much as you want to. Maybe that's something that's missing in your life...a little quality time with yourself. Maybe you should get someone in your family to watch your kids for a week or two and you and your husband go on some kind of vacation (even if it's to motel)
I know that some people would call me crazy for this (some actually do) I have my mother-in-law AND my mother (both unmarried) living with me. Believe me, they can be blessings in disguise. But when my husband and i are at a point where we feel the same as you, we go out....hell there are times where we go out for AT LEAST a couple of days. This is something that i think all parents need (not their mothers ROFL) some sort of escape from their own lives once in a while. Any other parent out there would whole-heartedly understand why you feel the way you do....but go to a coucelour........HAH!!! they just want what's in your wallets these days. They don't actually "LISTEN" to you. And if you feel that you have the NEED to talk to someone hell...start a parent group in your neighborhood. Have it during a weekend, during the daytime, kids outside, parents inside and just CHAT AWAY!! LOL I wish there were people like that in my community that would do that ...there's not (mainly 'cause 65% of the population here are elderly people and they're more opinionated then you'd like them to be helpful...not saying that to be rude..sorry)
You and your husband go out...have a good time...relax...hell...have the dirtiest sex you have possibly had in a long time...try to spark that BIGGER fire in your relationship...get close to one another...do something to ease you!! BOTH of you 'cause your husband is probably feeling the same way.

Answer 5

You need to find the balance. For me motherhood is great because I love playing boardgames and I love the playstation. In fact, the playstation was bought for me but my oldest kinda took it over. I also love cartoons and family movies. I love being mom and doing things with the kids. On the other hand I still have to be me. I still like "me" time. I still want to treat myself to a cafe mocha and do a bit of shopping sans kids. I still want to go to a nice place to eat and have conversation that has nothing to do with kids. I still want to be part of our community theatre group. I still want to dye my hair purple and get body piercings. I still want to be ME. And I am. I do all of those things. I don't deny myself any of it. You shouldn't either. If you want to ride your bike then do it. Ifyou want to go shopping do it. What is wrong with a night of dancing? Nothing if that is what you enjoy doing.

Is parenting wonderful? Sometimes. But it isn't all rainbows and kittens. Moms are human and if you don't enjoy barbies then don't play barbies. Find something else you enjoy that you have in common with your kids. My oldest and I both love watching game shows so we do that together and he has developed into a Johnny Cash fan so we like to sit and listen to music together. My youngest is a cuddle bug so our quality time is in the mornings when he crawls into my bed to snuggle for awhile. You don't have to do all the things they like to do. Find one thing. And as they grow and change the things you have in common will change.

Think back to when you were a kid. Did your parents do things with you? I can tell you that my mom didn't play dolls or do puzzles or any of that with us. Sometimes she'd color with us but mostly we were left to ourselves when it came to play. I don't think I'm any worse for it. So, stop beating yourself up. You're there for your kids in many ways. That does not mean you have to be there playing with them 24/7.

I think the "missing" you are talking about is because you feel torn. Just choose not to be torn. You don't have to choose between being you and being mom. You can do both.

Good luck to you!!

P.S. You said you don't like board games. I totally get that if you're playing things like Candy Land and Chutes & Ladders. Ugh! Dull!! But there are some really fun family board games out now. Check out the Cranium games. Don't be turned away by the age suggestions either. Our 3 yr. old is able to play many of the games we like to play. You can always alter rules to fit your family.

Answer 6

June Cleaver, Carol Brady, and Clair Huxtable are just characters... Mothers don't have to behave like that.

Answer 7

Hi there! I enjoyed reading this question that you placed in this category, as well as in the Psychology category. I enjoyed reading the varied answers you got, as well.

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with you saying you don't like "motherhood," because you do say that you do love your kids. Whether you realize it or not, I believe that you would actually jump in front of a train to save your kids without even thinking about it or hesitating, it would just be natural instinct. It sounds to me like you are a great mom, but you feel guilty for not enjoying "playing" with your kids. I never enjoyed that sort of thing with my kids, either, but I did play with them once in awhile. As far as I was concerned, that's what playmates and siblings are for - playing with each other. I hate playing any kind of games including video games, cards, board games - they have NEVER interested me, not even much as a child, myself. I liked playing with my dolls and playing outside games as a child, such as tag and king of the hill, hide and seek, etc. My own mother never played with me and rarely read stories to me. I loved reading stories to my kids and did so until they were about 12 years old - long after they could read their own stories! Ha! Sometimes, they read the stories to me, for a change. I even disliked having to enroll my children in activities such as swim lessons and sports because I was bored silly with going to all the practices and watching all the games in all kinds of weather. I enrolled them in enough stuff, though, and they don't feel they were deprived while growing up. My son is now 30 and my daughter is 24. My son is excitedly looking forward to his own first child and has taken on the role of stepfather to his new wife's two boys, ages 12 and 15 and I feel I did a fine job with him when I see what a fantastic stepfather he is and how much he is looking forward to his coming baby. I raised my children on my own as a single mom from the ages of 1 and 7 and with only sporadic help from their father and several years at a time several times with no help from him.

You know what I think? Don't feel guilty and don't try to over-analyze your feelings for your kids. If you are keeping them fed, clothed, safe, and happy, and you know you do love them, you are doing a great job! Don't try to compare yourself to other parents whose parenting skills you feel you fall short of. Some people really do absolutely love the role of motherhood. You will probably actually have wonderful relationships with your children when they are adults and they should have no idea that you ever worried that you didn't like "motherhood." In fact, you may find you absolutely love "grandmotherhood" very much! I'm looking forward to that experience, myself. Haven't you ever seen the bumper sticker, "If I'd known how much fun grandchildren were, I would have had THEM first!"

Like some people said here in their answers, you will figure out what things you enjoy doing with each of your children. When you force yourself to play games and things with them that you are not enjoying, they will be able to tell. Better to discover the things you do truly enjoy sharing with them and do those things, instead. Don't be fake about it. Kids can see through the phoniness. It's hard to be a good fake about having fun.

Also, I wonder if you are a working mom and also if you are an especially young mom. Those things can make a difference. What kind of a mom was your mom to you? Do you feel that you had a good mom? Are you trying to meet some impossible standards you have set for yourself or do things that you believe "all good mothers do?" Set the standards that are right for you and your family, as long as the children are well cared for as I described above.

We all go through periods of dissatisfaction in life, ups and downs, etc. Is your husband helping out a lot with the care of the children, too? Maybe he can pitch in more? Like others said, too, you need to make time for yourself and not feel guilty about it. Do you have family members or close friends who could take the kids now and then for a night or two to give you a real break? Go dancing, sign up for some classes if that is what you like, go for rides on the motorcycle with your hubby. I have a friend that she, her hubby, and their son and daughter (now grown) all have their own motorcycles and they love going riding together and have done so for many years.

I don't agree with "Gary" who answered you. However, I have read some of his questions and answers and he sounds like a troubled, bitter man. He has a daughter who lives with his ex-wife and new hubby and new kids and Gary seems to resent child support that he has to pay for his daughter and he has a lot of other problems, too, being on a disability pension for mental problems (he stated, himself, in his Q&A's). I would just discount his response and put it down to his own problems.

One last thing, though, is that depression can usually be easily treated and it can often just be a chemical imbalance that can be corrected. My daughter experienced depression twice as a teenager and she took antidepressant medication for a short period of time and was fine thereafter. Her problem was not caused by my "mothering" or anything else except for a chemical imbalance and she has been fine ever since. Don't be afraid to describe your symptoms to your GP and you don't have to go back to counselling if you don't want to, but some antidepressant medication treatment may make all feel right for you again.

Good luck to you! I believe you are a very fine mom and I am sure your children think so, too!