Friends children out of control?

Question

How do you tell your best friends that their children are out of control and not just "being kids" as the parents put it Our house is literally destroyed within minutes upon their arrival, non stop whinning and the 4 year old brother and 6 year old sister physically fight with one another. Watching the way parents deal with them varies from making comments of 'see they dont' ever listen' to spanks. Is there a gentle way of doing this and not destroy a friendship?

Answer 1

maybe one day when u see them kind of acting insane, say soemthing like "i read somewhere that this really works. . ." and then suggest a different strategy, or if u have kids, tell this friend how you deal with temper tantrums and stuff.
Don't be accusing, just gently point out that whatever they're doing doesn't seem to be wroking, and maybe you guys could go to a parenting seminar or something together.
They might even be a little insulted and embarassed for a while, but if you handle it well I think the friendship can last. Kids are hard, and just let them know that you're there to help.

Answer 2

I would say take them some place where the kids can be kids first. After the kids have gotten their attentions taken away from the adults, you and your spouce start off by saying "Look, we don't want to ruin the relationship by telling you this but, we need to talk. Your kids are a little out of control. Everytime they're at our house, it gets destroyed. I know kids are kids and they have ways about them but there comes a time when they have to know that when they're in someone else's home they need to show some respect." IF your friends are friends enough to understand your feelings and wishes then you've done a good thing by being honest with them. But if your honesty has cost you your friendship then it's best to cut your loses and move on. No parent should go on with life without teaching their children respect (for themselves, their parents, and their friends) and if the parents are kind enough to go by your feelings, Then i would say it's for the best you tell them that it is best that they don't come to your house any longer. Good luck to you both :)

Answer 3

Pick your battles carefully. If possible or reasonable close doors to off limit rooms. Speak up...after all it is your home and your rules apply. Let everyone know in a firm but respectfully way what and where the boundaries are. If the parents do not participate in enforcing the boundaries then you must ASK FOR HELP in finding something to occupy their time and energy while the adults are visiting. If non-compliance continues then direct the children to stay with their parents until they leave. Keep the visits short. End the visit as soon as children become overly unmanageable or even before they do if possible and definitely before "spanking/hitting" occurs. The parents should take the hint. If they are oblivious to everything their children do then get new friends or visit with them elsewhere. Watch one of those "Nanny" show for more tips.

Answer 4

Timing is everything.

If you have children, wait until one of yours does something wrong and then ask how they would deal with it. Even if they aren't at your house, give her a call. If you don't have children or yours are significantly younger ask what forms of discipline they use or use hypothetical situations.

Babysit them for a few hours and tell them about the problems you had with the physical fighting or other things. Correct your kids when they do something wrong and the other family i there and maybe it will encourage her to do the same.

Do they act like that at their home, or is it just when they are out?

You really can't say much without them getting upset with you for putting down their parenting skills.

Answer 5

Try this:
Take your kids over to their house. Then confront your friend and basically say
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You are a great friend and all but, as a friend, you should give me the same respect I give you and keep your kids under control as I have mine if you want to have them over at my house. If you can't keep your kids under control to my liking or vice versa, we should keep our friendship away from having our kids at each other's houses, you know we didn't become friends so we could do this "family gathering stuff", it's just something happening on the side. I know you don't mean it to be this way but it basically ties up my day cleaning up when your kids are over our friendship should be fun not about cleanups and doing psychology with each other's kids.
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Don't comment about why her parenting style is "bad" or saying her kids are "bad" (especially with regards to her kids' fighting): it may easily be taken as a personal offense. Take the view of "it doesn't matter why it happens, the point is this isn't any good or fun for either of us...this isn't what are friendship is or should be about"

Best luck.

Answer 6

I'm a strict mom- so behavior like that would be unacceptable in my home. What I have said is if someone does something I don't feel is right and the mom doesn't say anything, is to the child "Do you talk/act/behave that way in YOUR house? My goodness. That is not how little boys/girls act here" or "Does someone need a time out? Because when someone acts like that here, the time out space is used". It's not only giving the warning to the child, but the mom in a not so 'in your face' way. I always use a lot of 'up and down' tones to my voice and not yelling so the kid is scared.
You could also say in a 'non defensive tone' something to the mom like "Wow, you have your hands full! Are they always this energetic? Let's get them to play something constructive so we don't have to clean so much".
I am a HUGE fan of Nanny 911 and Super Nanny (LOVE Jo!) and her 'techniques' work wonderful! As a parent, I would be embarrassed if my kids acted unruly at someone else's home. Maybe the mom needs to vent, or is embarrassed but doesn't know what to do, so she doesn't do anything.
Don't use words that might hurt her, like "gosh, what brats" or "why do they act this way?" I'm sure she knows, it's just hard to admit when pieces fall apart and maybe she's out of ideas.
But I surely wouldn't want my child to see other kids at that way, in our home and think it's ok to act that way. Being out at the store or in a public place in one thing. But in my home, or even as a guest at someone else's home, I don't allow it. I would just make my job harder as a parent to try and correct if my kid thought it was ok and I said nothing about it. It's all about the tone of your voice though! :o) Good luck!

Answer 7

Telling someone else that their kids are out of controll is one way to end a friendship fast.

I suggest if you want to keep you friends then dont have them over with the kids. Or if you have to have them over have the kids in just one room of the house. There has to be a tactful way that you can explain to your very clueless friend that you want to keep your house in tact while her children are there.

Answer 8

if you have kids think about them kids folllow kids
soon they would be trying to act the same way
tell your friend straight that u think their kids are out of control and that they should find other ways of dealing with the behaviour
tell her or show her a pic of how your house is on their arrival and how it looks when they are walking out the door

Answer 9

Ask your friend if she has ever watched Super Nanny! Maybe say that you were reading her book and it is a great resource. I really think that the Super Nanny gives great advise for wild kids, we use some of her methods and they work very well.

Answer 10

you can try to tell them but parents never take it well. Tell them they won't be invited over to your place anymore because of how they destroy your home, that you're sorry but you mean it. You have the right to not let people do this to your home.