My life feels so out of control in all areas. How to fix it?

Question

I sacrificed a great career to stay home and raise my kids so that they wouldn't be daycare kids as I was. I absolutely hated it growing up and didn't want that for my own children. They are disrepectful, disobedient, hateful, little monsters most of the time. They are NOT spoiled. They ARE punished and they just don't seem to care. I have tried throwing their toys away to which they will say "go ahead, I don't care." One of them even told me, "when you get through down here you can go throw all the toys in my room away too." I am seriously at my wit's end with them.

On other fronts I am not in control of my eating. I had lost a lot of weight and was starting to feel good but now I just can't even find it within me to care. I don't work out anymore. I rarely sleep. I will go all day long and not eat and then eat a massive meal at night. I know what to do I just don't do it. I don't feel in control.

continued.....

I love my husband to death but I don't feel I get the support I need from him with the kids, the house, or taking responsibility with anything at all like bills or even taking out the trash. It comes once a week and we miss it half the time because "he forgets." We bought a really big house & I told him prior to us buying it that I would need extra help to keep it up. No help has been offered and when I have to ask for it he gets mad. If it gets a mess he looks negatively on me for it even though he knows the kids are destructive. I'm only one person. I can be downstairs cleaning then go upstairs and find it's destroyed.

Bottom line is I feel my life is just OUT OF CONTROL. I don't know how to regain control. I don't know how to "fix" anything. Somedays, like today, I feel like just giving up and throwing in the towel.

I'm starting to understand why people become hermits.

Any advice would be appreciated but if you don't have anything supportive or helpful to say please kindly don't reply. I get enough disrespect from everyone else in my life. I really don't need anymore. Thanks anyway.

Answer 1

First I would like to say....Did I post this???
I think we are living parallel lives! I hear you but the thing is, I might be the only one!!
I know its hard but, you have to talk with your husband and tell him that the kids are driving you crazy and if he dose not start helping out more you just might go!!
Set small chores for him, and one day with the kids a week!! This should be your day to do what ever you want to do. Send them to the movies, the park, the mall for a hot dog. You get some rest, get your nails done, hell do what ever you want. Be sure NOT to clean up anything that day. (you will pay the next but its well worth it)
I am not sure of your kids ages but they should be helping you with the chorse, or having there own chorse to do. They can be simple to start but they have to learn responsiblility.
I would the next time anyone told me to go ahead, I would be sure that there would be no toys left, no t.v. Pack them up, put them in the car with the kids and go down to the church or salvation army and donate it, make the kids take it in themselfs. They will know that you are serious.
I have done these things and they help! I have to be honest. The kids were not happy about the changes, nor was my husband. But now they all look forward to their day together. I look forward to my day to do what ever I want.
You have to tuffen up and stand firm for yourself or they will walk all over you. They love you but they really dont belive that you are going crazy.
Sometimes you need to show them a little crazy to make them aware that you are.....Dont wait too long.
I ended up in the hospital for a week, changes are mandatoy!!!!
They should be for you too....
lotts and lotts of love from someone who lives in the same house.

Answer 2

Get control of those kids. Do not make threats you do not keep for one. (Did you throw away the toys?) For quite sometime keep an eye on everything they do and correct them then and there. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Your husband is in this as well for the comes home in the chaos. He probably feels since you are home you could keep it under control, however, you have lost it. This is not the 'your fault' kick by any means. You just need to learn different tactics with these uncontrollable children. Talk to a counselor and get some support. They will run your entire life if it keeps and with it your marriage will be down the tube.

Answer 3

on one side, you need to crack down with your kids. They definetely should not be disrespecting you like that. And they definetely should be punished when they do. Certain punishments only work for certain kids. Obviously the throwing toy away punishment is ineffective. Other ideas are spanking, grounding, giving them chores. Some kids are only responsesive to certain punishments, but they need to know that their bad actions have a consequence. They might take you for granted, so maybe you should try having them work for the things they want so they will appreciate it more. They will love a toy a lot more if they had to work to buy it rather than you giving it to them.
On the other side, maybe there is too much negative energy and tension between you and your kids. Maybe they just want your attention. Every kid needs some one on one and family attention every once in awhile.
Do not deprive yourself of food all day long, because 99% of the time that leads to binging. Buy lots of healthy snacks instead of junk ones, because even if you do overeat, at least its healthy food and will do a lot less damage to your body than junky foods.
Last but not least, you need to pray about it. Find something that you like to do and make time for it every day. Moms deserve plenty of resting time every day, and you will find your self breaking down if you dont take it.
Good luck

Answer 4

You are lucky in many ways as you still have a boy friend and home. This will take a long time to get past and therapist will want to keep you in the dark to match what friends and family are doing with you. You will have to be free of everyone soon and work this out with strangers. Go back home when you are strong. As long as you dont expect love to be true and happy ever after you can get depressed again. Depression is the cause of all mental failures. The chemicals take very long to disperse from the spinal fluid. You will have to keep notes for each day to keep active. Things to learn include how the aura works and how it is manipulated by others. You will need to learn the second language of symbolism. Keep believing you have a right to pursue happiness.

Answer 5

You mentioned two parts of your life of which you don't feel in control: your kids and your eating.

Try to settle one at a time. Sorry to say, but the kids aren't disrespectful, disobedient, and hateful just out of the blue. That had to come, in part, from something you and your husband aren't handling right. Think over how you are dispensing consequences; make sure that the consequence matches the misbehavior. In terms of disrespect, tell them that they need to speak to you in a civil manner, that anything else isn't acceptable. Look at how you are w/them, too. Model the kind of behavior you want from them.

As for the weight/working out/eating issues, if you don't eat healthily you won't feel well physically or mentally.

Try to take ownership of the problems. If you don't care, nobody else will. Talk to your husband, too, of course. Tell him how you're feeling and ask him for help, or to just listen to you.

Good luck with this! I know it's hard, but it's possible to make changes.

Answer 6

Punishment is never a cure and neither is not working just to be with you children. My mother worked late night shifts and my father wasn't really there but he was here in the house as a child. Yeah you should spend time with the little monsters, but not too much time. When they get older they will want to run far. Show them you love them, and show them you care, but do not over do it just because you feel it is your place to. Don't work everyday, but take them out to enjoy themselves and other children their age the days you have off.

Answer 7

You say you know what needs to be done, but just don't do it, what is that about? Get it together, so that your kids will take you seriously. You have chosen to give them your life, now it is time to take it back! Put them in a behavioral program and be prepared to understand and agree with whatever (in the limits) that this program has to offer. They may hate you now, but they will appreciate you later. Do you Love yourself? Where is your significant other or is there one? Stop buying the kids things, start watching the nanny for some helpful tips, but get those kids in school now, they probaby need and should interact with kids of their own age. Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

First of all hon you have got to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Secondly I suggest that you not PUNISH your kids but rather discipline them. You have got to show them respect and obedience in order for them to learn it. Children learn what the live. They are very good at mimicking the adults around them. Take a look at what your relationship is with your husband. If they see you fighting and disrespecting each other, that is all they know and think that it is normal. What role does dad take in all of this? I think that family counseling would do you and your family a world of good. Its not easy being a parent and unfortunately kids don't come with instructions. Find a parenting class in your area, and by all means, take time out for yourself once in awhile. You deserve it.

Answer 9

Well, it seems as if your relationship with your children are in anger and fighting a lot. You should try to create positive connections with them, maybe have a talk with them about everything. You can also go to one of those Nannying T.V shows that help families learn ways to live with their young children.

Your dieting problems is likely to be laying upon stress. All of the stress from your children and all of your problems has taken over and your care for food faded. Try to care, set up a schedule for yourself and follow it. Make yourself eat a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Make your day organized and easier, work hard to control everything that goes on.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Sounds like you are out of control with yourself.
I strongly suggest counseling.
Throwing away the kids toys isn't rational. Children need discipline that teaches them, they need love, not irrational behavior.
Don't blame your unhappiness on them. As an adult you have the power to correct things and make your own happiness.
You need to learn how to discipline the kids correctly so they learn and feel loved. You need to start operating from a positive loving position and the way to do that is to learn what it takes to make you feel loved, loved by your own self.
Please get the counseling and help you and your family so desperately need.