what would you do if?

Question

your ex walked back into your life after 11 years of no contact with your 11 year old daughter, after 1 month walked away, then 3 months later he comes back and then after two visits he is gone again, then his family say they want to keep contact with their niece/grandaughter but then never contact her, have never visited my house, I drop off and pick up for visits (8 in total this year) and have not even bothered to ring or send her a xmas card, what would you do, and my daughter is feeling very lonely as she now thinks i am am the only one who loves her now. I feel like screaming at them all but it will fall on deaf ears, they are all talk and no action,

she wants to see her dad, but on her terms nor his or mine, his sister says he does not want to play happy families with me, yet i have never once done that, my daughter only wants to see her father when i or his sister/brother/mum is there, she does not know him enough to be on her own with him, when he has visited, i leave the room and go to my room or the kitchen, but at least i am around for her so she feels safe, he cannot understand that after 7 visits in a life time he is not worth of the name dad, when i say you dad, she corrects me and say you mean my father

i have never screamed or shouted at any of then not even my ex, there is no point it solves nothing

Answer 1

Well, unfortunately, your daughter's father is still a child himself and can't see far enough in front of his own face to see how his actions are affecting his daughter. If I were you, I would just explain everything as honestly as I could to my daughter, and not go to any extremes to set up visits. If they want to make all the effort, then let them, but if you have sole custody, you can also make sure all those visits happen at your house, where you are there to make your daughter feel comfortable. When your daughter becomes an adult, she'll have her own things she wants to say to her father and his family, and at that time, they'll learn what a mistake has been made, but before then, it's nearly impossible to do anything about it. Good luck!

Answer 2

sounds like something i've seen in a family that I know. It's completely normal for your daughter (and for you for that matter) to feel pretty confused about what's going on. I think it might be a good idea to try to talk to her and see how she feels about it. Does she want to see her dad (i'm just guessing it's her dad) and the people on that side of the family? If he really doesn't then I think the best thing to do is just stop the visits esp the dropping off and picking up). If they wanna see her, they shoud come over. The instability in those relationships just confuses your daughter and may even make her wonder what she did wrong and why daddy and his family don't love her. So decide how you feel about it, is it important for you as a mother for those relationships to be developed, and see how your daughter feels about it too.
Good luck!

Answer 3

you're right...screaming and shouting solves nothing, ask your daughter how she feels about this situation, if she is not happy about it then tell the creep to take a walk....he's messing with her and i think that's cruel....she obviously loves him, but he is giving her false hopes....after reading your other post about the letter your daughter wrote to Santa, i would say, send them ALL a copy and let them knoww how much she's hurting, then add that if they want to see her, the least they could do is pick up the phone, it does not take much to do that, your daughter does not kno if she's coming or going, she is human and some people seem to think that kids don't care and at the age of 11 don't have feelings, how wrong could they be, your daughter is an example, they should consider her feelings and stop mucking her about

Answer 4

What you and your daughter are going thur is difficult. But your daughter and yourself are learning a valuable lesson and that is love is more than words its our actions.Tell your daughter that. That way when your daughter becomes a teen and some guy starts telling her he loves her she'll know what real love consist of. What about your side of the family? Have her bond with them. I know you what to curse everybody out involved but whatever you do don't. Teach your daughter how to handle conflict appropriately. When those family members start talking about how they want to see her and how they'll be picking her up next week, confront then on it but in an appropriate manner. Don't go ghetto, that's what they want so you'll end up looking like the crazy woman. Sit them down and calming explain what they are doing and how its been affecting your daughter (allow your daughter to be present). Its not about you having the power to change them but you doing what you need to do to create an sense of peace and strength for yourself. Well you asked what I would do and that's what i would do. Being angry is a natural reaction but it never productive in situations like this one. It just makes one bitter. So continue to reaffirm your daugther she is loved. I'm glad your daughter has such a great mother!

Answer 5

You could tell them that if they want contact they need to be reliable and consistent as it upsets your daughter when they don't bother to contact her. Access/visitation is a childs right to see the absent parent, not the other way round. If they can't all put her interests first maybe it's best to explain to your daughter that it's not anything about her but they are inconsistent people.

Answer 6

You and your daughter need to talk to a counciler, she needs counciling now, before she becomes a teenager and doesn't have the skills to handle the hurt feelings she has. It will come out as anger, and there will be worse problems for you and her. You need to talk to a counciler to learn how to deal with the father, and his family. I am not an expert, but dealt with similar things. The counciler can suggest things that you don't think of and they can be a lot of help. Good Luck, it is half the battle to ask for help.

Answer 7

O that is awful, my daughters father left me when I was five month pregnant with my daughter and i always wonder if he will appear again. I feel so bad for you and your daughter I understand she probaly desperatly wants to have her father in her life and i wam sure u want that for her 2 but she is not building a stable relationship with him dueto his constant disappearing acts. I think harsh as it maybe she is better of with no contact with him or the family at all!!!

Answer 8

Sometimes, sweetie you need to put your foot down. I think you need to have your daughter write a letter to each of these people asking what she wants from them (it can be anything; they're time, her father, etc.) & you should write a letter, too expressing how you feel about what your daughter wrote in her letter.
One day when your daughter isn't around you need to sit down and have a private & personal chat with her dad, his sister, his brother, and his mom. Express how you're feelings honestly with them and allow them to express their opinions honestly. Now, I must warn you this conversation can make or break your relationship with these people but express to your daughter what may happen and why.
OR you can have her dad spend one day with her and let her explain how she feels to him; let him and her have a conversation. Before they talk, let him know how much he's hurting her and their relationship.

Answer 9

a really sad situation. i think you already know your answer, but i say that he's her father biologically, but as a FATHER he's nothing! he'd be phased out quickly so as not to disrupt my daughter's life and further. she doesn't need a person in her life that can't provide more than empty promises and makes her miserable. as her mom, you have to be her parent first which means doing what's best for your child. you have to be her buffer/shield, protection, comforter, confidant and all of the other things that go with parenting. its unfortunate that you're the only parent and famly member that has your daughter's interest at the forefront of your mind and on your heart. if we could control the things that others do to us, and our loved ones, we'd be in a helluva position but we aren't. as her mother, you'll ride the emotional rollercoaster with her becuse you don't like seeing your daughter hurt by the family that doesn't find it necessary to be part of her life.

you've got the best part....you're experiencing everything with your daughter. you won't miss out on all of the milestones..the first kiss, boyfriend, a really great thing that happened at school today...and all of those kinds of things that make parenthood so wonderful. you'll have those times to share with each other and to remember. please DON'T WASTE your tim and your daughter's worrying about those that provide little more than lip service. you'll do yourself more harm, it may be a blessing in disguise that the other family doesn't come around, and they'll be looking foolish when they want to get to know her and the choice she chooses is not to. they're missing out ...you're not. be there for your daughter...time passes too quickly to worry about what we cannot control. childhood passes to quickly....cherish it with your daughter.

Answer 10

It all comes down to your daughter, after all it is all about the children. Do whatever it takes to keep them in her life, next time you talk to them (calmly) let them know your daughter's feelings and how she needs them in her life. Don't ever say anything derogatory to your daughter about them, it will only make her feel worse. Reassure her that they do love and what a wonderful child she is. Good luck.