My girlfriend was tested and has type 2 (HSV-2) herpes. We haven't slept together yet, what do I DO?

Question

I will try and give a little background. We have been together for 5 months (were good friends before this) and obviously have been taking things slow. She has slept with a few partners compared to me (both in late 20’s) and contracted the virus through a cheating boyfriend. I TRUST her and know she is telling me the truth about her past & how she got the virus. I was supportive when she told me and just feel real scared about my safety!
We have something that I can’t walk away from and don’t know what to do now. It has changed the way I look at her and I am real disappointed. I have read quite a bit about the virus and have an appointment at a local clinic to talk to a counselor. I don’t have anyone that would rationally understand the way I feel about her (she may be the one!)….and wonder if the risk would be worth something that isn’t guaranteed. I would appreciate any help and support. Mike

Answer 1

Just throwing this out not to be mean but are you sure she doesn't have any other diseases like HIV or AIDS??? If I was in your position I wouldn't risk it I would leave but that's just me. Sorry and Good Luck.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

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Answer 4

I'm going to go out on a limb here.

Herpes simplex infections affect over 80 per cent of people and in nearly all cases are trivial from a biological perspective. They rarely affect people in any more serious way than nuisance value.

Put it this way: would it bother you if she told you she sometimes gets cold sores around the mouth? Even if they were from HSV 2 rather than 1? (They sometimes are). What about if she had genital HSV 1? (About half the genital herpes cultures I've done as an STI doctor grew 1 rather than 2). So what, exactly, is the difference?

The real problem is the neurotic reaction people have to this almost universal pair of viruses, because they are sometimes passed on during sex. This taps into some fairly primitive fears and beliefs about sexual purity, and some sexual moralists have exploited these medieval ideas to push an anti-sex agenda. And cause an enormous amount of ignorant stigma and psychological suffering in the process.

If you are in your late 20s, chances are you already have type I, and this will give you partial immunity to type 2. Or you might be one of the 20 per cent of people who have type 2. Have you checked?

Personally, I can't believe you could be considering leaving someone you love for fear of catching such a trivial bug.

Answer 5

I have to admit, this is a very complicated question to answer but I didnt want to just pass it up for that reason. I'll tell you what I'd do if i were in your situation.

It's really good that you two have been taking things slow because thats always the best way to start a serious relationship and I realize that you think she may be the one but thats where it got me, "may." If it were me I'd sit down and talk to her about it, let her know how it makes me feel without upsetting her or making it seem like she's the blame. I honestly would let her know I wanna stay with her because i think the relationship is going somewhere and let her know i really care about her but that the intimate part of the relationship on that level would just have to wait a while, long enough for you to get your feelings on it together and straightened out in your mind.

Let her know your views and tell her why you feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong for looking out for your best interest but if she is the one then eventually itll happen and there will be no regrets. She needs your support through it and let her know you are willing to give her that and that you still care about her. What happened in the past isnt something that should be taken out on the relationship in the present, she made a mistake and now there is a consequence to that mistake but she is still the same person you fell in love with, just give it time. Dont rush into anything, communicate with each other so there are no unanswered questons or feelings, and keep taking things slow. Eventually the answer on what to do will come to you, you will know what you are willing to sacrifice. If she is the one, you will be willing to sacrifice anything.

Answer 6

A buddy of mine struggled with this same issue a couple of years back. It doesn't matter how she contracted the virus, anyhow. You've done the research, so no doubt you know how easily HSV-2 can be contracted. Doesn't mean that she's "dirty." In fact, doesn't mean squat, really.

But you have to reconcile yourself to the following: no matter how careful she is, and no matter whether she's on suppressive therapy or not, if you engage in unprotected sex with her, you WILL catch the virus. Eventually. One way or another. 100% chance. However, HSV-2 is not a life-threatening condition. It's inconvenient as hell, and dangerous during childbirth and to immuno-suppressed individuals, but just an annoyance to an otherwise healthy adult.

Going forward, show her that you care, and are willing to work with the issue. It's a problem that "you" (as in "you two") have, not just a problem that "she" has. Thank her for being so honest with you - that could not have been an easy conversation for her. If she's not on suppressive therapy, discuss the issue with her. Offer to help out with the cost, even.

My advice: hedge your bets. Consider abstaining from sex, at LEAST until the marriage picture becomes clearer, and even then, what's the rush? If the relationship is good, the marriage will be good. If the marriage is good, the sex will be good, even if you haven't tried it yet. If abstinence is not an option for you, practice "safe" sex, even if you get married. At the very least, I would wait until I was very, very, VERY sure that the marriage was going to last before I exposed myself to that kind of risk.

Answer 7

I was diagnosed with Herpes about an hour ago. I've read extensively about it before this and it's not life threatening, totally manageable and the stigma is hell but who are you going to tell?

As long as you're careful about your health, don't smoke (as smokers tend to have more outbreaks) and take care of your body if you get it the outbreaks will be few and far between.

My boyfriend left me two weeks ago for somebody else. Two weeks later, I have a sore and am now positive for the virus. Go effin figure. I'm angry, but I'm realistic because ignorance breeds fear.

On a side note, for those who don't know, the virus is also spread through human sweat. It's not a filthy person's 'disease.' It's a virus. Just like any other.


You'll be just fine.

Answer 8

hmmmm, sounds like you are looking for reasons to go ahead with the relationship. Let me just say what occurred to me as I read your statement. She is ultimately responsible for her infection, blaming it on a boyfriend of the moment doesn't cut it.
You are disappointed in her, and rightly so. What is it that you "have" that you cannot walk away from? If that is really the case, why does the possibility of herpes worry you? It isn't a fatal disease. It is fairly well controlled with medications. And while an outbreak of lesions is uncomfortable it isn't going to kill you. Having a child under these circumstances is out of the question, herpes can and does cause birth defects.
So, you need to consider what you want out of a relationship with this girl. If she fills an emotional void for you great, if she is wonderful at sex even better. But if you are looking for long term family life, don't look for it with her. Stay friends, but know that a family would be a foolish move for a woman with herpes. If you intend to make a go of it, make sure she has been tested for all the stds including hiv.....if she got one she could certainly have contracted any or all of the others.

Answer 9

LISTEN. Really listen.

More people carry the herpes virus than those who don't! Approximately 80% of the population carries some form of the virus. So first of all, the odds are already against you. This time, it just comes with fair warning. Which is more than most people receive.
There are several precautions you can take to prevent the spread of the herpes virus, as long as she learns to know her body and when she may have an outbreak. She can keep herself in good health and reduce the risk of frequent outbreaks, which make the virus more likely to be passed on. Also, she can take medication or vitamins to reduce the risk of passing the virus on.
Condoms are helpful, but not foolproof. Also, showering immediately after sex if either of you are worried has been shown to prevent the virus from infecting a healthy partner. Refraining from extreme or vigorous sexual activities can also help, also making sure there is proper lubrication. This prevents tears in the genital area, which make people more susceptible to STI and STD contraction.

This is HSV, it is managable. It's not life threatening, we aren't talking about AIDS here. You should be asking yourself if risking passing up the one you love is worth it, not the other way around. Follow your heart. There are many ways to protect yourself, they are not foolproof, but you can definitely reduce your risk. But don't forget that risk is there if it's her, or someone else. She was just noble enough to give you the heads up. That in itself should mean something to you. Life doesn't come with a guarantee, but that is the beauty of love and free will!

Good luck with this!

Answer 10

No offence, but unless you're madly in love with her, you shouldn't stay. If you don't think that you'll be with her for the rest of your life, then you are just leaving yourself open to having people treat YOU the way you don't want to have to treat her.

You have to ask yourself whether you two would've stayed together even if this happened. If you think you might have, leave sex out of the picture for a while. After you see if you will stay together, then you can make a rational decision. If you won't, you might as well tell her how you honestly feel.