How can I better like my son's girlfriend that he says he will probably marry. He has been with her three yea

Question

How can I better like my son's girlfriend that he says he will probably
I have met her three times on Christmas. She is not my type at all..seems like businessy and not warm (not rude just kind of cold and not really that friendly. First meeting she spent most of time talking to my snobbier sisters and didn't say much to me even though I tried to engage her in conversation. I would have thought most girls would try to at least get their bf mom to like them but maybe that is just me. Today she gave me this cold fish hug where your bodies are real far away and not a warm hug at all.
We only got to talk about three sentence. My son told me they have never had a fight which amazed me. He said they have so many interests in common. I can't invite her to my home as I am ashamed of it as I am poor. I asked my son several times to go on a picnic or dinner so we can get to know each other better but he doesn't saying he will but not following through as he is "too busy. I rarely see him

so maybe she doesn't care if I like her. I can't understand why she seems to have no desire to know me better as I do for her.

I had a true mother-in-law from hell and I do not want to be like that...how can I like her better when I just don't...she seems opposite from me. I know she would marry my son not me and she is apparently good for him and makes him happy but I want to learn to like her/love her too as I am afraid it will come through if she picks up I don't like her and ruin any chance of a relationship that is good.

Please help as I am worried about this. My two sons are everything to me. I changed the whole course of my life by putting them first and don't want to not like his love. Please help me..it makes me sad I don't like her as I really wanted to like the women my sons pick..I know I posted a similar question but wanted suggestions..I tried to cancel it but it posted so..

I would like true suggestions on how to better like her and not be told to butt out or accept her. I want to know how to change my feelings on this as I know it hurts my son that I feel this way and don't want to hurt her either.

I am curtailed by the fact I do not have a way to contact her..my son keeps this info private...

curly Bob..thanks, I appreciated that comment. Even my kids tell their friends I was a good mother. That is probably true that there might be something worng with any girl, but it is hard when one feels they are opposite of you. His previous girlfriend endeared me to her (even though I barely knew her) by telling my son he treated me badly (which he definitely did). He also told me a lot about her that made me know we had many traits in common and so I was instantly drawn to her. I was insulted that this gil sees not to care if I like her..I just picked up a coolness from her right away but it is not beyond the rhelm of possibility she sensed I didn't care for her..but why am I trying and she isn't or maybe she is and am not seeing it..she was cordial and polite and got my a pretty nice Christmas gift...but usually my instincts are right.

I do love my sons and trust me, my son will marry her regarldless of any bad feelings towards her on my part...

mybootis--I don't think your situation and mine are the same..if I wasn't willing to try, I wouldn't be on here seeking advice asnd help and I won't be so ni ce to her. But I am hionest with my son. I may change when I get to know her better, I can'
t say I won't and I would not saying I am not willing to give her a chance..

well, Dipsy, a big part of that is he hasn't tried to help me resolve my feelings by letting me get to know her better by not letting me know how to contact her and by being "too busy" to follow through on dinner or picnics just the 3 of us. My other son likes her so I am assuming she has good traits I am not aware of. I am sure he'd like it if I trust him but he could help me by arranging a meeting so I can get to know her better. Maybe I am not so good with blind trust..I do trust he has someone he feels is good for him or he would not be there.

Rachel..that is a good possibility..I was kind of offended when she walked away and started talking to them as I don't like my sisters and felt upset she seemed to fit in great with them and not me..the fact that she essentially ignored me, I guess did not fit in with preconceived notions of how it would go..I wanted so badly for us to like each other. It is definitely possible she picked up on it..plus my son may have told her as I did pull him aside and maybe she saw me (though I am not sure)...she did, in fairness, make an effort to talk to me the following Christmas, but I told my son this was very important and I did sit by her when we ate at a table where there wasn't room for others beside the 4 of us (includes other son)..

The going out alone is good if my son can arrange it as I don't have a way to contact her...or I could make sure he follows through this year on us all going out. It is true, I may like her better if I have more contact with her.

Marie, I amm glad that worked for you, but my son's would see through it with me as I am not that good at pretending...too transparent. But I do know if you say bad things, they often rush faster into the person's arms.

vcodethree--a wonderful answer..it was very hard to chose a best answer as I like both yours and the winnners very much. I am glad he didn't marry this cold woman.

I was encouraged by the thought maybe if she loves him, she will grow to love me and about your own mother-in-law..Maybe that is just her way...just reared dfferent--likely as different personality. Going out either with son and her or just her should definitely help. Thanks for the encouragement and sometimes times resolves these things.

Answer 1

OK...I understand where you are coming from. Here is a possibility: maybe she's uncomfortable talking to you or feels intimidated. Why not call her and ask her to go to lunch with you and have a "girl" day together? Your son doesn't have to come along. I don't see how you can even know if you do like her or not if you can't spend quality time with her. At any rate, he will be married to her and, frankly, you may never like her. But be kind and civil to her and their future family. If he is happy with her and she loves him, then you should be happy for him no matter what. My brother has been married to a woman for 35 years and my mother and I (only sister) have never really liked the woman, but we are always kind to her for my brothers sake. I dont' expect to someday all of a sudden "like" her. She's not my cup of tea at all and I suspect she feels the same way. However, she raised two great kids and has always make my brother happy. So...we love her..but we don't really like her, if that makes any difference to you. There is nothing that says we have to "like" everyone that comes into our families. I had that same kind of mother-in-law and you're aware of what makes a woman like that, so you won't have to worry. Just be kind and tolerant and try your best for the sake of your kids. OH and here is another tip....do something nice for yourself for a change. It sounds like you could use a good dose of self-esteem. You're your own woman and will have more to offer to any one coming into your life if you take good care of yourself. Godloveya for thinking of others.

Answer 2

I have two boys, stepsons but still have the same feelings for them. They are 21 and 19...The 21 year old brought a girl home to meet the parents, I did not like her and got a bad vibe from her, she to was cold and distant...For him i thought I would give it a chance, boy am i glad she gone now and that one didnt work out. I never said anything to him about it till things started going south with them, he needed to make his own choices and dig his own grave, i just watched...
At the time they were dating and talking about getting married, i tried everything to get to know this female.
What you need to do, if you feel this girl is good for your son is just give yours and her relationship some time, just be there. And dont worry about how your home looks or how much money you have, if she loves your son, she will grow to love you.
It took a while before i was able to sit with my mother inlaw and have a conversation with her, my relationship with her is great and we took it really slow.
It could be that this girl is just that way with everyone, some people were not raised in love, its all business at home. I have seen families that dont even hug or say I love you, which i find odd.
So just be there, see them when you can, try and talk to her...How about making a lunch date with just you two, this will give you some alone time to get to know her....
It will all work out...in time

Answer 3

From this post it sounds like you chose not her like her when you first met her because she was talking to "my snobbier sisters". She probably picked up on that and doesn't know how to act around you now. Maybe instead of going through your son, ask her directly to have a picnic or whatever with you. Hopefully it will help break the ice if she sees that you genuinely want to get to know her. How can she seem not your type if you don't even know her in the first place?

Answer 4

It is not the norm to have children out of wedlock. Ur children would not have any stability. Living a life as a family adds security and stability to the family. I do not agree with ur future mother in law that is bad advice. Getting married is the responsible thing to do if u both live with one another. Love is what 2 people share together and in loving each other ,leads to having children. Being responsibile after marriage having children is a decision that 2 people should share, not one parent. This is not what God intended for 2 people. The 2 become one in parental decisions. If he ever decided to leave her, she would have 2 kids to raise by herself, what a struggle that would be in this economy. If u are married, u share all things 50-50.

Answer 5

Ahh, the love of a mother .... I wish I had one like you.

That aside, consider that it IS possible; THAT: maybe there is no satisfactory woman for any son! That's right - there will always be something "not right".

It might help to consider that sons do not marry to replace mothers; no matter who they choose; unless of course, mothers become insanely combative.

And consider that it is next to impossible for you to see anything good in a woman coming into your life and changing it completely!

If you really love your sons; let them make their choices and support them. Over time, it will become easier (maybe).

Answer 6

As a person who has been with the same man for 6 yrs and my Mom claims she doesn't like him-lemme be the 1st to let you know that her lukewarm feelings for him does not and will not change the way I feel for him. It just p!sses me off that she won't even give him a chance and I find her little negative comments about him just drives me further away from her and more into him. Let THAT be a lesson to you.

Answer 7

I used reverse psychology. I remembered when my mom bad-mouthed my first love, I magnified his good quailities and always defended him. So, when my son's first love turned out to be the daughter of one of the girls I disliked most in Junior High, I always spoke of how beautiful, smart, nice, kind, and whatever was opposite of what I was really thinking to everyone who asked me how I felt about her, especially in front of my son. He knew that she wasn't a saint, she had her moods, and a temper, and was a flirt with the boys. He would say, "Well she is not THAT great." Then I would tell him how lucky he was to be with her. Then he would say, "I'm not THAT lucky."
Are you getting the picture? He came to his senses and is no longer with her.

Answer 8

u shoud just trust him because im sure he would like it if u trust him