Anyone like poems? Critique or comment???

Question

A year has passed
A joke, we laughed
With every smile I melt
True feelings were felt
Its all faded now
A thing of the past
No more sweet nothings
No more sweet nothings
The times we shared
A time when we cared
A time that we dared
To fall in love
Inhibitions in the wind
To fall in love
What does that mean
Is it for good
Or is it a dream
Is it reality
Or just a formality
Love is a drug
You act without reason
A shot when she sees him
A dose when he sees her
Never wants to leave her
But he has to go
He had to go
Addicted to love
Can never get enough
But ill tell you again
Love is a drug
The high eventually ends
Just say no
Just say no.......

Im gonna explain this, this is about ONE love in particular not love in general...and the reference just say no is to the crazy things love will make you do such as forget about friends, family, become a different person, become obsessed/addicted...things of that nature....

Answer 1

I like your poem. I understood your meaning and I did pick up on a connection between "just say no" and "love is a drug" and the idea of not doing the "crazy love" things.

Sometimes a phrase has multiple meanings and that's good, as long as both meanings are intended. If both are intended then the effect is to intensify the meaning whereas if only one is intended it can weaken the meaning.

Another meaning of the "just say no" can be a kind of an exhortation to forgo love altogether, the way an addict must never again touch the substance of his craving.

On the other hand, if this is an expression of having to forgo that particular lover -- and it sounds like you're saying it is -- then it might be part of your meaning after all in which case the meaning came across strongly to me, anyway.

Here's something to think about, not because it's a shortcoming, but because it might be interesting to think about it: do you wish to express that love is the drug or that *she* was the drug?

You've got strengths in this poem. Your meaning is coming across pretty well, and you've got images in mind that you're conveying. I'm getting the nostalgia, the good times in the past, the soul searching ("to fall in love; what does that mean"), the fervor of the relationship, and the crazy love high (described in the last 14 lines). You seem pretty clear on what you're trying to express.

Meaning can be expressed in a bold, straightforward kind of way or delivered in abstract ways and using subtlety, but either way, an artist definitely should know what he's trying to express. The reason is that you can more skillfully employ the subtle nuances if you're clear on your meaning and if that's the technique you wish to employ. Again, you seem like you are clear on that, so that's working for you.

The advice to make the poem smaller is good advice, and this can probably be done by putting more of the words on a single line. You might also want to add blank lines between the separate "images" so that they are more delineated -- again, unless your intent is for the images to blur from one to the next as another expression of the craziness of love. It depends on how you want to express it.

Even the length of the poem can be used, if used carefully, to express the strength of the relationship. If you choose to go this route, make sure the words suck you in and take you for a ride. This might work better for the "crazy love" expression than it would work for the nostalgic expression, though. Again, only something to think about.

I picked up on two main themes. One is the nostalgia and the other is the "love high". The soul searching ("what does that mean") might be a third or might be part of the nostalgia theme. Think about how you want those themes to interact and how you want the images to play their roles in that. You're looking clear on which aspects of the experience you want to express, so that's good.

Another possible way to make the poem shorter -- and again this isn't a shortcoming, just another way to look at it -- is that you could split this poem into two poems, one expressing the nostalgia (and soul searching) and the second expressing the "crazy love" and the addiction. Just an option. It all depends on what you're trying to express, how you're trying to express it and why that way is working for you.

As far as the length of things, songs are supposed to be around three minutes max to keep the attention of the listener but at the same time there are plenty of exceptions -- there are some extremely popular songs that are six and seven minutes in length. I don't always keep my songs to three minutes, either. Expression is a personal thing. If something needs to be said, you know it.

One person was talking about giving it more structure (but delivered his advice in an obnoxious and completely unhelpful manner). A poem doesn't have to have structure. As a matter of fact, more structure might even get in the way of the "crazy love" part of the meaning simply because structure is rather opposite to crazyness.

I think it would be worth your while to go to www.poetry.com and read some stuff, look at the structures and techniques and see if anything resonates. I do something similar with music to see how other artists... figured out a certain rhythmic challenge or what it was about an artist's song that brought about a feel to it that's similar to what I'm trying to bring out. I use that stuff for ideas and then figure out my own way to bring out the same intensity of feeling.

Good job so far!

Answer 2

its a very lovely poem. somewhat sad. but i think i can relate to. i believe that not every love is worth fighting for and that eventually we have to say no to a certain love because theres just no way to make it through. thanks for sharing.


PS: i dont believe that all poems should have meter or that it should always rhyme or that it should have an number of specific line. its more of a matter of self expression.

Answer 3

Your poem is to long. Max out at 21 lines and get your point across. It makes for better reading and meaning. Look for word layout condense lines. You lose the reader on long poems.

Look at my work on www.poetry.com enter my yahoo name here and learn. Peace Out.

Answer 4

Here's a critique
that isn't sweet
and couldn't ere be neater
your poem's a bore
that I abhor
it lacks both form and meter.

Answer 5

Keep writing down your feelings, writing poems is a good way to get in touch with them.

Answer 6

I'm sitting here with my bland old tea, wishing I was drinking what you're drinking. Nice write Koye

Answer 7

me sister love i think it was ok