7year old bad behaviour, please help?

Question

i am having some problems problems with my step daughter- she is 7. She will lie about the simplist of things... i have told her that lying wont get her anywhere except into more trouble..we have tried everything including

Stopping her from going to her grandmas - she used to go every weekend
clearing her room of all her toys - and keeping them away from her for weeks.
Stopping her from watching the telly
No allowing her to have any sweets
warning her that if hse carries on being naughty then santa wont come to her,
we have spanked her butt too
grounded her

None of these work, she isnt bothered about anything. She has told people i punch her, i have been to the doctors and they said she just wants her independance, but the thing is she wont do anything for herself unless we tell her to. I have to tell her in a morning when i get her up for school to go and have a wash, then i have to tell her to get dressed. We have had the same routine every day for the past 3 years, get up get washed, get dressed then have breakfast then we leave for school. Though she still hasnt got into the habit of doing it, she messes around every morning, she stands in the bathroom for about 15 minutes just with her hands in the water, messing around... if anyone knows of anything else i can do please tell me

Also we dont expect her to be perfect, no kid is, but her behaviour is getting really bad and it doesnt matter what we try nothing works..

I do reward her when she is good, take her out shopping and buy her a new outfit, or she will get treats, go to spend the weekend with her nanna, and when i threaten to punish her or spank her when she is naughty i do follow it through all the way, even if it seems a little harsh. I once took all her toys off her and put them in mine and her dads room and she followed us is with a handful of toys saying "here you go, you forgot to take these" she doesnt seem bothered about anything. She doesnt seem to be getting better, this has been going on for the past 2 years and she seems to be getting worse.Also we have an 18 month old little girl and im worried the eldest bad behaviour will rub off on her..

also, when we try and ask her things about how she feels, etc when i try to have one on one time with her when i ask her stuff she says shse doesnt know, or she cant remember, we cant hold conversations because they are the only 2 answers she has. I dont know and i cant remember. The me and her dad get frustrated because we are trying to show her we want to understand but she doesnt try to hold a conversation with us...

Hi again

sorry if my question is really long

Sensory Processing Disorder and Sensory Integration Dysfunction - she seems to react well when we tell her there is chocolate/sweets on the table for her and to go and get them, or when she is doing something in her room and i tell her she can watch telly she doesnt ignore us then. I think it is purely bad behaviour and she is pushing our boundries, we do follow through on punishment and she does get spanked but she still doesnt behave. SHe knows she will get told off and spanked but she refuses to behave

She has never had any contact with her real mother she has seen pictures of her, her real mum didnt want to know her so she isnt in her life and she hasnt been there the past 7 years so we arent going to invite her into her life now. I am the only 'mum' she has had.

Answer 1

I know this sounds simplistic and terribly old fashioned, but start spanking. I know you say you have tried it. But try doing it right. The most important thing is that it be consistent--every single time she breaks an important rule. Don't spank all the time--but don't make it a rare thing. Always follow through a threatened spanking with one.

Although, of course, you should not beat her, at the same time the immediate purpose of a spanking is to give a good sting. I really think the best (and actually saftest way) to do this is on a kid's bare fanny.

I did not used to believe in spanking (though I was spanked as a kid). I got influenced by the liberal psychology and education professors in college. But, once I had my own I gradually changed my tune, and discovered that my parents were not so old fashioned and stupid as I had thought.

I think a lot of younger parents are going back to spanking. We are just sick of spoiled brats and all the Nanny 911 nonsense.

I did some research on spanking. The surprising thing is that all the research that has found that "spanking will ruin kids and destroy society" is at best inconclusive or at worst deeply flawed. There is actually some good research that shows that spanking is not only not harmful but is the very best way(better than timeouts, loss of privileges, etc.) to get kids to comply with the wishes of their parents.

You never hear about this research in the mainstream media. And for this reason most people assume it is fact that spanking is a terrible, ineffective thing.

I did some research and wrote a blog article on it. You can find it at http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-GgIFACYzfqWx8YwvtspSWVmWzA--?cq=1&p=793

I know, from my own experience and what I have seen in other families, that this will work. Try it and you will be amazed.

Answer 2

Do some research on Sensory Processing Disorder and Sensory Integration Dysfunction and have her evaluated. It sounds like she isn't purposely acting out but is seeking more sensory input and stimulation. You might try a written routine and using a timer that lets her know what is coming up and how long she has to complete the task. If she does have a sensory disorder her mind is disorganized and no matter how routine you are with her, what is routine for you may not be routine for her. As for the lying...kids that age do lie and sometimes because they are trying to cover things up and hope to get away with it or just want to avoid the overload of discussing what they are lying about.

Kind of complex but do some research and you might find a light at the end of the tunnel. It could be behavior or something more. Take care, take it one day at a time and pick your battles since she probably gets upset and reacts erratically with the slightest bit of correction. Best wishes.

Answer 3

You have to talk to the school, there is something else going on. Perhaps he enjoys the attention being naughty gets? Kids do it sometimes to impress others too. Could it be a defence mechanism? I was told by a teacher before to not punish my child at home for what they have done at school. I brought in a reward chart for my son when he was the same age. Get him to help you make it. I tell him that good behaviour is rewarded. We have had a $5 chart where he got an amount of stickers then he would be rewarded with $5. Some may say its bribery, but it worked at the time & now everything at school is fine & we do not have the reward chart or system.

Answer 4

My daughter is seven too. The lying thing is something she keeps trying. I always do the same thing and it seems to help alot. I totally tell her that i don't trust her anymore. Then when I ask, 'did you brush your teeth'. She will say yes, then I go check. i'll say, did you clean your room, 'then I go check. I 'll ask if she put her dishes in the sink, and then I'll check. Everytime she does something, I dont' believe her...all day for a couple of weeks. She ends up feeling very undermined and not trusted and gets upset and asks when I will ever trust her again..and I tell her, that she needs to earn it be being honest and someone I can trust.

As for the late thing. We went through this at five years. I told her I was done with grumpy mornings and that from now on my monrnigns would be good and hers was up to her. I gave her a schedule I made of how our morning would go. When I get the bathroom, when she can eat etc. I told her it was up to her if she followed it, but that if she did she would get done on time. So she got up and 7-7:10 watched tv. 7:10-7:20 brushed teeth.. then of course after a few days, she tested me. She was not ready and I saw she was in her p.j.s and her hair was not brushed. So I gathered her clothes and her brush. carried them to the car and she stood int he porch. So i carried her to the car and she cried and screamed and wen to the sitter with bad breath and all. She ran in with the hood of her jacket over her face and ran straight into the sitters bathroom with her stuff I packed. Never a problem since. I would do the same thing now... and she would be frantically getting ready in the car and she knows it... and we have wonderful mornings. Some morning s are so wonderful that i reward her with extra t.v. time or picking what park we go to after school.

Answer 5

My daughter went through a very simular stage at the same age. With my daughter we finally figured out that she was testing her boundries. I recently married and her behaviour was coming from being insecure, once she understood that my husband wasnt going to leave her she smartened up. Remember that this is just a phase (albeit a frustrating one) and she will come out of it eventually, try to be patient and make sure that she knows that you care about her and her feelings, but also that she knows whos boss. I promise you that this will pass in time. my daughter dawdles in the morning, even getting out of the car and I am NOT a patient person. Sometimes it feels like she does it on purpose, but through all that she has come out great, she is 9 now and has calmed down alot, listens better and doesnt dawdle as much. Stay strong and remember this is just a phase

Good Luck

Cherry Red

Answer 6

Well, I don't know about the lying because my daughter doesn't do that...she's almost too honest sometimes. ;) But as for the morning routine...I would tell her that she's on her own. Tell her that you're leaving for school at a certain time, say 7:45. You'll tell her once to do something and then it's up to her, just remind her that you're leaving in 45 minutes (or whatever time). If she's not ready to go at the time you've said, then she goes to school in her pj's, messy hair, unwashed, no breakfast. But you have to stick to it. I had had it with my daughter (she's 8) and one morning pretty much threw my hands up and said, "I give up! You're on your own!" Laid down the rules and have stuck to them. She's had to go to school with her hair a mess only once. When she got there, one teacher saw her and said, "You looked like you just rolled out of bed." That was all it took. She still occassionally give me some grief (gets mad if we don't have what she wants for breakfast, etc) but for the most part, our mornings are much more pleasant. Try it...but you have to stick to your word. If she has to go to school in her pj's once, I bet it'll be the last time.

We were having loads of trouble with our daughter and I was ready to throw in the towel. I would call my husband in tears nearly everyday and one day he told me to seek counseling for the 2 of us. I did, and while I wasn't perfectly satisfied with the counselor, she did give me some great tools to use. If there is a certain time of day that daughter is acting up, make it known that you realize she's grumpy at this time and if she needs to have a tantrum or whatever, you should schedule one at the same time everyday. For example...if she comes home from school everyday grumpy, schedule a tantrum in her room at 2:30. Tell her that when you get home from school, she can have her snack and then go to her room for 10 minutes for her tantrum, then she has to come out and get her homework done. 95% of the time, she'll refuse to take tantrum time. Also tell her that if she needs to act a certain way, you understand, but that she needs to do it in her room because you don't want to see it. Whats the point of acting out if your mom can't see it, right? I also try to make a point to have one on one time with her. Even if it's while I'm folding the laundry, I call her in there with me while I do it and just talk to her about what's going on with her, ask her questions about her and literally talk about HER for 20 minutes straight. Make her feel that she's important, her feelings matter and you really do care about what's going on in her life. Yes, we still have moments...but for the most part, life around this house is much better.

Best of luck to ya!!!

Answer 7

Spare the rod,spoil the child. Good old fashioned spanking always works,regardless of what some might say. I agree with Becky C..

Answer 8

she probably wants attention.
as she gets older she will change, and understand how things workout if you lie.
for right now you probably wont get her to stop lieing about things to you. she probably needs someone to look up to who sets the right examples. probably like a good friend or a hero.

Answer 9

Maybe she is still angrey about her parents not being togehter. is her biological mother still in her life? Maybe try counsling. there may be an even deeper issue here than behavior.

Answer 10

Yes. This is a really big question and so I have a really big answer. Your daughter has gone through so many changes in the last two years. She has been abandoned by her mother, her dad got married, and she now has a new sibling that has taken some attention away from her. My guess is that she is confused and feeling powerless. What you have been trying is not working because you are using punishments (taking away privileges, telling her Santa won’t come, taking away toys and treats). Punishments do not work to stop misbehaviors because they are a way for you to control her, not a way for her to learn self control. To learn self control, she needs to be disciplined.

I know you love your daughter and want her to be happy but many parents make the mistake of wanting their child to “like” them. If this sounds like you, it will be difficult for your daughter to learn to respect you as a parent. When children do not respect their parents, the parents have no control of them and the child feels they do not have a "safety net" (strong parents who can set and stick by a limit provide a safety net). Children scream for limits! It sounds like your daughter is screaming for a limit.

To discipline your daughter, always let the “punishment” fit the crime. You can do this by using logical consequences. Taking away a toy or privileges when your daughter misbehaves is not a logical consequence. Taking away a toy if she throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If she spills her milk, she wipes it up. If she breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If she damages something in the home, she does things around the house to pay for the damages.

Another technique you can try when she is misbehaving is this. As soon as she misbehaves, get down to her level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why in very few words)." Take her gently by the hand and put her in a quiet spot in your home (her bedroom, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (control yourself, be gentle, listen, behave, calm down) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling her). She returns when she's ready to control herself. You may have to take her back to the spot a few times before she gets the message. Thank her when she behaves. Keep it up!

Empathize with her. Say things like “I can tell that you are feeling very (angry, upset, hurt, mad, frustrated). What can we do about that?” It will help her to better express herself.

Children lie because they are trying to gain attention, feel powerful, or are afraid of something. Is there too much criticism or punishment when she lies? Perhaps loss of love and approval is the price she pays for making mistakes or doing things the “wrong” way? Fear of criticism or punishment and fear of loss of love are strong motivations for lying. What happens when she lies? If your child is punished for misbehaviors, fear is likely the reason behind the lie.

Start problem solving with her. In problem solving, there is no threat of criticism, punishment, loss of love, or loss of approval. In problem solving, there is only acceptance of the child as she is. Hold her responsible for their actions using natural and logical consequences. Children are naturally cooperative when they have no fear of negative consequences.

In problem solving, the word “lie” is never mentioned or implied. Children are shown the same respect as adults. The distinction between truth and untruth can be taught in more positive ways such as discussing whether a certain story was real of pretend.

Children are also surrounded by white lies. They hear the phone ring and mom says “Tell them I’m not here.” Dad may call in sick to work and then spend the day at the golf course. Adults may say how much they love a gift and then throw it away. These social deceptions make things more confusing to the child. When the child forgets to put away her toys, what’s wrong with saying, “I didn’t do it” as long as she gets away with it? Mom and dad do. A lie gets her out of punishment.

Make sure you spend a little extra time with her when the baby is sleeping, read her a story, do an art project together, have her help you make a snack or prepare dinner. Also, have her help you with the baby. She can pick out the baby’s outfit, sing to the baby, get a diaper. She will feel proud to help and feel proud to be a big sister.

At bedtime or down time at home, have some casual talks. Instead of saying “How do you feel,” ask her “What did you like about today?” You should get a bigger response. After her answers tell her what you liked. Then ask her “What did you not like about today?” You will begin to discover what she resents. You can use this information as a basis for action, never for words. Do not try and explain away what she disliked because this would be criticism.

Do not expect her to stop overnight. It will take some time and you will need to encourage her positive activities. Be willing to let a few things go along imperfectly and you will find that this habit will become less important to her and for you.

Help her to feel powerful by saying things like “You did that by yourself! You did that so neatly! You worked on that for a long time! You must be so proud of yourself! Look how many colors you used on your painting! You can run super fast! You’re teacher must be so happy with you! You’ve made such nice friends!” These intrinsic motivators are much more effective than extrinsic rewards (“Good job!”, stickers, candy).These phrases are great confidence builders, great ways to show attention, and great ways to help her feel powerful. Also, notice her when she is not misbehaving. Spend some one on one time with her everyday. Read her a story, do an art project, have her help you with meals and things around the house. This will really help her to feel proud.

Set limits and follow through, and offer choices, not chances. You can say “Do you want to do that by yourself or do you want some help?” "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Pick you battles! Be patient and consistent. Hope this helps! Good luck!