How should I deal with verbal abuse from adult parent?

Question

I do not know how to deal with verbal abuse from an adult parent. This is my mother and she treats everyone else normaly as far as I can see. If I confront her she starts yelling at me very loudly. She is older and has done this all my life and it is getting worse. I have three brothers (I'm the only girl) who she treats with respect, so I'm puzzled. I have struggled with depression most of my life, I believe it's because of how I am treated by her. I'm in therapy and she is constantly yelling at me to stop going....I think because I have gotten a bit stronger. I get suicidal at times. My husband does not help me with this at all. Any suggestions? I don't want to be abusive back!!

Answer 1

Ariel,
You need to recognize who the weak one is here. It's your Mom. She can't stand the competition for attention and affection. It's fairly common among children and parents of the same sex. You should be the "parent" with the abusive child. Be calm, refuse to allow it, and if it continues, stay away. You don't have to be there. Your husband can't help you with anything. It's not his fight. He can support you, but it's your problem. Give her a wide berth. The next time she starts, leave... or tell her to leave. That's not being abusive. That's being smart. Let her go whine to your brothers. You don't need the grief....and, you'll find, in the healing silence....you may not need therapy either.

You're married, grown, and gone. Remember that.

Answer 2

Sounds like my mother.. And I have 2 sisters but she has always directed it at me for some reason.

The bestt hing you can do is to cut her out of your life, it is the ONLY way. I have had to do this with my mom more than once. Especially when she was drinking..

Two years ago I told her i would no longer speak with her or have anything to do with her until she learned to trreat me better. She has not even tried to contact me..

It is not easy, but some parents 9and people) are toxic and it is best to stay away from people like that even if they are a parent.

You have to do what is right for you. Your husband doesn't get involved be cause he doesn't understand, he doesn't understand because he is not in your body and mind. And he knows there is nothing he can do..It's up to you.

And if you have kids, your kids do NOT need to see their grand mother treating their mom like that so in the long run it is healthier for everyone to walk away..

Answer 3

Three suggestions come to mind. First, maybe think about getting a new perspective on this with a new therapist.

Second, write your mom a letter and explain how this verbal abuse affects you and ask if there is anything you two can do to get this resolved.

Third, if this can't be resolved and she refuses to work with you, spend more time building yourself up, seeking help, support and love, make new friends and spend less time being abused. You have to take care of yourself. You have to love yourself. Life is too short to be depressed. Be happy! Smile, laugh, love and seek others who feel the same way. Distance yourself from negative thoughts and negative people.

Answer 4

You do not have to put up with verbal abuse from anyone. Let her know that she cannot talk to you that way. Put your foot down and demand respect. She may be a "rage-aholic". She needs counseling for this. If she is interested in maintaining a relationship with you and keeping you in her life she needs to seek treatment. You say your husband does not help you in this. I hope you didn't marry your mother, as we sometimes often do in relationships. He needs to show you respect also by supporting you. Don't let either one of them get away with disrespecting you. You and your husband need to seriously talk this over. Let him know how much your mother abuses and hurts your feelings. If he doesn't see this as a problem, than he is no better than your mother. It's time to take back your authentic self that your mother has been squashing all these years. It sounds like if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else is going to. It doesn't sound like any of those brothers are coming to your rescue either. It's up to you to create a change.

Answer 5

what advice has your therapist give you ? I would ask her to go along with you to a session, if you don't get anywhere with that i would make a stand and tell her that you are not a little girl anymore and are not putting up with her shouting abuse at you.... leave her to get on with it for a while and let her think about what life would be without you there... she needs to realize that you are not her verbal punchbag. Do yo have children? If so you cant let your children see what she is like. Good luck ,, I will be thinking about you....no-one should go through that from a parent....just remember that :-} X

Answer 6

Man, that sounds awful. What I would suggest doing is go for awhile without thinking too much of your mom, kind of ignoring her. Even if you see her, you won't let her affect you, and when she is yelling at you maintain eye contact with her the entire time, even if it hurts-- make her be the first one to turn away. I bet everytime she yells, you probably look away or put your head down, which tells her that her methods of parenting you is working, she is boss and is "getting through to you." Try to act happy around her, if she continues to treat you the same then seeing her cannot be healthy, you might want to scale down your visits. I'm sorry it hurts, God bless

Answer 7

Your mother probably grew up in an environment where women were supposed to be "perfect" (I know it used to be that way a few decades ago). So she wants you to grow up to be "perfect" too (by her standards of course). A part of that "perfection" was never to question grown-ups. (Do you do that?) Boys were allowed to do as they pleased as "boys will be boys afterall".

This is just a guess. Maybe it's not unrealistic expectations but anger issues that she feels about herself but projects on you (you being the only other female).

Either way, I think your mom is very frustrated about something -- because when men get frustrated, they break stuff and when women get frustrated, they quarrel (or at least b**ch).

You can do two things: ignore her because you know it's her problem and not yours or act supportive and give her a hug everytime she gets angry and say warmly "I love you."

Maybe she'll feel better. :) Good Luck.

Answer 8

I too faced abuse. It has shaped my life and robbed me of happiness. I have recently started antidepressants and counseling. As hard as it is to face, it's necessary to to realize that just because she is your mother, does not mean that a relationship with her is necessary or healthy. Stick with counseling and limit your exposure to her until you can better deal with her. Your husband doesn't understand. How could he? To him, this is relatively new. Right now, you have to get the help you need to deal with this & get your life together. Good luck!

Answer 9

The best way to prevent feeling bad from verbal abuse is to remember one thing.

It's only their opinion and it doesn't mean it's true.

When it comes down to it, the only way to stop yourself from feeling bad is to try and feel nothing from whatever she may say.

Answer 10

i relate COMPLETELY.....it got so bad she's no longer allowed in my home and i don't speak to her...DRS. ORDERS.......you might not believe this but you really don't have to have anything to do with her if you don't want to.....it's ok to do that....decide to take control of your life and enjoy it!!! let her be miserable all by herself.....nothing will change when she dies.....it won't go away....so make the change before you allow her to ruin your whole life.....blessings