My mum has never seen my 2 year old son, any advice for me?

Question

When I was pregnant with my son, I felt like my mum was never really there for me. We used to be quite close so this was upsetting. The day he was born I rang her and told her the news and she seemed as if she didnt even care. I asked her what was wrong, as I expected her to be a little more excited about the birth of her first grandchild, and she said that if I didnt know she wasnt going to bother telling me and then she hung up on me. I, after the intense experience of giving birth for the first time, cried and cried and my fiance was very angry with her after that. Since then, almost 2 1/2 years have passed and I have only spoken to her once, at my brothers wedding when I tried to mend the bridge but she didnt seem to want to. I have been very angry with her for a long time now, but she is my mother and I do miss her. My fiance hates her for what she put me through and my son doesnt even know her. Do I just give up on the whole thing after all this time or do I try again? Help!

I feel as if she doesnt deserve to be a part of our lives and that she is the one missing out, not me.

Answer 1

I'm sorry for your situation. I would have to say the two of you need to talk. I realize your trying but give it a little more. Ask her what the deal is. I cannot see how someone could hold a grudge for that long and deprive themselves the experience of being a grandparent.

Answer 2

Take your son to a family function at your brothers house- let her see him without him knowing who she is. Do not introduce them- see if she introduces herself-- I KNOW in my heart as a mother that once she sees your little boy her heart will melt-- she is being pigheaded because you have a child and you're not married- that is the bottom line of the whole thing-- and yes, you miss her a great deal because now you have a "new common bond" you are both mothers and that is something you can share experiences and advise about---It obviously bothers you too much to give up on it, so dont. Try the contact through your brother- especially over the holidays- in fact- who is having Christmas Dinner? If it is your mom- and your brother told what time- stop buy the house with a present for her from your SON-- again dont tell him who she is yet-because if she is pigheaded and turns away your son, it will be too traumatic for him to deal with - you need to get to her somehow- I've been there, not ever good enough-- my brother was the favorite and it broke my heart when my mom was dying- I didnt see her for over 1 1/2 years before she died and I still regret it to this day-- 10 years later...try to mend the fence- use your brother for ideas-- and if your fiance doesnt like it, tell him to mind his own business because this is your mother, not his.

Answer 3

Well, apparently...you do need to ask why! And IF she is going to be so childish as to not work it out with you...then it sounds like she is being a bit childish. I mean what could you have done that was so bad??? I am sorry that your Mum is being this way to you...kind of sounds like your little boy is far better off without her influence. 21/2 year olds already throw enough fits on their own...they don't need to learn how to master it from their grandma. Knowing how I feel about my Mom, I would give it maybe one more try...but if she is not willing to budge...then you can say you went above and beyond to try and repair things. So really, it is her loss...I know you are missing her, but she is really missing out on your son.
Your husband cannot fix what had caused you so much pain..AND he does not have the same feelings and love for your mother that you do. So it is hard for him to understand why you would want to reach out to some one who has betrayed you. He is just trying to protect you and your son. If your mum will behave this way with you....who is to say that she won't with your son when he is older? At this point in time...he is not missing out on anything...so really there is no loss. I wish you luck....and I am sorry !!

Answer 4

Wow.
You're mother has a lot of personal issues that have NOTHING to do with you or your little one. She has suffered emotional trauma in her life and hasn't processed it. I would bet that her mother treated her poorly and wasn't there for her and she was devastated by this act of betrayal. She doesn't know how to love you sweetie, she keeps herself numb and won't let people in.
The best you can do is...
*find out what her problem is. Aunts, Uncles, her parents etc.
ask them and start seeing through her eyes
*see her as an individual, not as 'mom', allow her to be who she
is and try and forgive her for not being what you've needed her
to be.
*go to her and have a long talk and make a new friend. If she
passes away and you don't make your peace with her, you will
have denied yourself the understanding you're looking for.

I made peace with my mom and I wouldn't change it for the world.
It was kinda scary and painful but I learned how to love and accept her on a new level. I miss her.
I hope I helped.

Answer 5

Try approaching her one more time. Tell her you don't know what upset her so much and would like to know. If she doesn't want to tell you then tell her that's fine it's her that's missing out and move on with your life.
I really mean that to. You need to walk away and think of her as just the body that nourished you whilst you grew into the person that you are today and nothing more!
Mothers have the strange ability of turning into she wolves at a certain point in their life and given the opportunity I would not doubt that they would even hesitate to eat their young!!!

You need to concentrate on your life and being the best mother to your son and wife to your soon to be husband.

If on the other hand she does tell you what's going on inside that messed up little head of hers then it's up to you to judge the rubbish she comes out with and deal with it as you see fit.

In my opinion I think us women get to a certain point in our life where we have to let our mothers and all their issues fall by the wayside and start to live our own life to the fullest.

Answer 6

Wow. This is a hard one. You know, It's never good to be on bad terms. I know it's hard to forgive and forget when someone brushes you to the side like that but she's your Mom. She has no excuse for acting this way but I'm sure as soon as she see's her baby grandson that she'd just fall in love with him

As for your fiance... He loves you. That's all that matters. He has every right to be offened that she would be so cruel to the woman he loves. But he should encourage you to mend this and he should be very happy for you if you are able to!

Answer 7

I'm guessing there is a little more to this. She's upset about something. Approach her with the litttle guy even if it's a surprise visit. If she still doesn't seem to care then perhaps you should care less. I feel for you. Fortunately you do have your fiance to give you and baby love. God bless.

Answer 8

Dont set yourself up for the hurt and anger all over again, your son doesnt know her so he really doesnt miss her. I do not talk to my family and I have 4 kids who are not at all affected by this. I totally understand how you want your mom in your life as you alwyas will, but, if it is going to cause you unneeded stress then steer clear of it. I am totally content not seeing or talking to anyone in my family and its better for my kids this way because they dont need the b.s.. So, I say just go on without having her around, if she comes around then you could try but, dont force it and dont take it upon yourself to contact her..

Answer 9

What kind of sh***y mother is she anyway? She sounds like she has the behavior of a child! (if you dont know, Im not going to tell you????? - WHAT IS THATTTT?) And then when you tried to speak with her at the wedding, and she wasn't accepting- strike two. I would give her one more chance, call her up and ask her to come over to talk when your son is at the sitters. If she refuses, then forget her. Concentrate on being a good mother to your child, and move on with your life. Her loss.

Answer 10

Try to mend your relationship with your mother as soon as possible. I've been through this myself. My mom treated me horrible when I was pregnant and it was her 1st grandchild as well. She was acting like this because I was not married. But, eventually she came around and now she spoils my daughter like crazy.