in charge of sister's baby and having problems w/ 22mo yr old?

Question

my sister's baby is so intellegent it scares me. he is almost 2 yrs old. he is trying to talk big words already and i have a good gift for getting exactly what he is saying. my sister works an awful lot and due to nasty day care issues preffers to sit him with me. but his behavior-- he is defiant and he- when he doesn't get his way -screams-fake cries- and throws things and slaps and kicks people.NOW MIND YOU I AM 31 , MEXICAN AND NOT A MOTHER BUT LEARNING AND TRYING TO BE ONE - SO I NEED ADVICE.- is this normal for him to be nice one minute/ happy and the other minute a mean spiteful child the next? his father- my sister said had a vicious abusive streak with his temper and fled the state due to criminal problems so he is not around but my sister sees some of the same abusive characteristics in the baby as she saw in his father. is this genetic? is giving him time outs ok? how do i deal?

no giving him back is notthe answer, i need advice and im trying to learn so when i have a baby of my own i know how to deal, people come on! i know your out there!

thank you so much parents in giving advice, i think he does need more structure and a bonifide daily routine. i thought it was just me. thanks.

Answer 1

Have you ever watched the show Nanny 911? It shows excatly this behaviour and how to fix it. Basically, the child needs to know you are in charge and you mean what you say. He is pushing the limits to see how far he can push. That's what they do and it will get worse.

The child needs to know that action A = consequence A and you MUST be consistant. Time outs are good and they should be as many minutes as their age, so for him, 2 minutes. You must talk to him and tell him why he was put in time out (after he's calm) and if he repeats the behaviour the same thing will occur. Talk to him at HIS eye level and you must always remain CALM. It will be hard but in the long run, he will ove you more for it. Children feel safe when they know there are boundaries and the concequences if they cross them.

Here are the 11 commandments of Nanny 911:
THE 11 COMMANDMENTS OF NANNY 911

BE CONSISTENT
No means no. Yes means yes.

ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES
Good behavior is rewarded. Bad behavior comes with penalties.

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN IT
Think before you speak—or you’ll pay the price.

PARENTS WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM
If you can’t be on the same page, your children are not going to know who to listen to—and they’ll end up not listening to anyone.

DON’T MAKE PROMISES YOU CAN’T KEEP
If you tell the kids you’re going to Disneyland, better get ready to pack your bag.

LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN
Acknowledge their feelings. Say “I understand” and “I am listening”—then take the time to understand and take the time to listen.

ESTABLISH A ROUTINE
Routines make children feel safe and give structure to their time.

RESPECT IS A TWO-WAY STREET
If you don’t respect your children, they are not going to respect you.

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT WORKS MUCH BETTER THAN NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT
Praise, pleasure, and pride accomplish far more than nagging, negatives, and nay-saying.

MANNERS ARE UNIVERSAL
Good behavior goes everywhere.

DEFINE YOUR ROLES AS PARENTS
It is not your job to keep your children attached to you. It’s your job to prepare them for the outside world—and let them be who they are.


Good luck!!

Answer 2

AHH the sounds of the terrible 2's which usually last until the twenty's.... Yes this is quite normal, but it is a learned behavior, he has seen it and picked it up and it must work for him or he wouldn't still do it. Such a vicious swing COULD mean a chemical imbalance, but your sister would have to ask a Dr. to verify that at the check up, but 85% of the time IF something doesn't feel right it might not be right.

How long are the 'time outs' for? If they are longer than a couple of minutes he may actually forget why he was in trouble. I like to stick the chillins in time out and then before I get them out ask them why they are there and if they can't remember then I tell them again and explain what the proper behavior should be. It takes a lot but that is all part of learning, i think it is like 39 times before they comprehend.

Some factors may be that it doesn't sound like a dominant male is present, this has a direct impact on how the child learns. Not saying that you have to go down to the corner and find a man for your sister (because changing the dominant male a lot is not good either) but your husband or grandfather or even a priest (and nobody say anything-I am talking about a good priest) should have some time around the child. Otherwise instinct will kick in and he will assume the role as 'dominant male'.

Probably the most important thing is the consistancy of everything, if your are straightforward and set up rules and boundaries then they should be respected by the mother-And I said you cause it sounds like you are raising him a majority of the time. So the both of you sit down for like 15 minutes and discuss what he is allowed to do and agree to punishments and REWARDS. Don't forget rewards because that is the most important part of it. Do Not give rewards if he was bad and good for 2 seconds it defeats the purpose, but while he is playing nicely stop him and tell him he was doing good and he gets to pick a reward. If he tries to be good after being bad remind him that he was bad and give him a time limit of being good before he gets a reward. Soon he will be driven to acheive the reward and if this is constant you should see a marked decline in the outbursts.

And be bilingual in the home, now is the key time to introduce him to languages(Spanish or Sign language or even Portugese or English if you are already speaking Spanish).

Also have special projects that just you and he do together a special book or walk that you do together primarily at your place, and after he enjoys doing that and wants to do that then that could be a powerful motivater to be good. For example if you do not stop throwing blocks then we will not read the rabbit book.

Be specific about the activity that you want him to stop and tell him how big boys do it. Like big boys don't throw blocks they put them in the box, now if you want to read the rabbit book with tia you will put the blocks in the box like a big boy, Thank you.

Hope all this info helps

Answer 3

I liked Buffalo Gal's answer. My son is very bright, and he was a challenge at this age. Each child is individual and you have to figure out what works. I might also suggest figuring out some things to do with him, such as a "mommy and me" class. It's good to see other parents with their kids and realize that a lot of this is just what kids this age do.

I really hope you don't let this little guy get labeled as "abusive" though. I find that modeling calm and patience when the child's upset helps them learn -- while giving him a time-out or other techniques for removing him from getting anything from you when he's being inappropriate.

Bright kids also demand an "enriched environment" meaning stuff that interests them. You might look at Hoagiesgifted.org. for understanding how gifted kids can be different. I'd also recommend a book called Raisnig Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka. It shows how some of the traits that drive you nuts about your kids can be strengths and how to make life easier for both of you.

Your sister is lucky to have you as someone who cares enough about your nephew to try to learn more about helping him become an intelligent, kind young man.

Christie

Answer 4

Wow. You are a good sister.
Yes, it is completely normal. The best way to deal with it is to keep him active and occupied. Especially if he is intelligent.
My son was the same way (and is now a calm, easygoing 9year old!) I used to find that if I took him out somewhere in the morning like the park, swimming, playgroup, library or anywhere really, he would be happier in the afternoon and more inclined to be peaceful and watch a video or play nicely.
At this age because he is so clever he needs lots of stimulation and activity.
Of course, if he throws a temper tantrum while you are out, the best way to deal with it is to go home straight away. Then he will learn that if he doesnt behave himself, then he will not get to go out and do fun things.
Time outs are good and very much ok.
Well done, you sound like you are doing a good job. He is lucky to have an aunty that loves him like you do.
By the way, if he is hitting people and kicking you should hold his arms and tell him NO in a really loud voice. All kids need to learn that this is a really bad thing to do. Otherwise he may have trouble when he goes to school, and does it there.

Answer 5

Don't think to much into this. This is typical toddler behavior. Time outs are OK if they seem effective. You have to find what works and go that route. If he throws something, take it away and don't let him have it (he'll probably throw a fit, but your showing him that you call the shots, not him) When he lashes out and hits, walk in another room and ignore him for 2 minutes. (1 minute for every year old they are) If he follows you in and continues to strike you, pick him up and put him in another room. He'll tire out eventually. The biggest challenge with toddlers is staying consistent. Once you start disciplining him for something, you have to keep at it.
Also, make sure your paying attention to him when he's doing something good. Give him allot of praise and attention for being a "good boy". Sometimes when kids want attention and can't express it, they will act out because they know you'll react.
Talk to your sister about whatever method you want to use. Find out what she does. If both you and our sister are in sync disciplining him it will be more effective.
Good luck in everything. Your sister is lucky to have someone like you to help out and love her son so much.

Answer 6

Have an evaluation done. Get a referral from his doctor due to behavioral issues and take him to an occupational therapist. If he is fine one moment and a disaster the next you might be dealing with a sensory processing disorder which will be a problem in school and life if it isn't addressed. There are many state and federal programs that evaluate for free if you are referred. Early Intervention Services can help a great deal and only require a referral from a doctor or occupational therapist.

Answer 7

it is completely normal for a child of that age to show out like that i have 2 kids i know the child is entering terrible twos and what you need to do is get permission from your sister and let him know you are the boss but be positive and theres nothing wrong with discipline so time out is fine just talk with your sister with this issue hope this helps

Answer 8

the only thing that really needs to be done with him is discipline because he needs to learn now right from wrong and when you tell him no mean it and dont change your mind about it. he's going to be spite ful cause he's almost 2. (ever heard the saying "the terrible twos") but just discipline and guidance she solve the problem.

Answer 9

You are dealing with the terrible 2's you know maybe it wasnt the daycare, maybe it was the child.

Answer 10

lol, sounds exactly like my 23 month old. I would give you advice but I am having the same problems myself.