How do I deal with a step daughter?

Question

I am 27 years old. My step-daughter is 18. It has been rough dealing with her. She has lived with us since she was 16 and when she first moved in she lied and drank and stayed out all the time. She learned quickly that these things did not fly around here. We grounded her for most of her crap and that was a culture shock for her because she hadn't been grounded since she was 7 years old.

Her mother was more of a friend to her than a mother. She was a single mother basically and worked alot. I am not anything like that. I stay at home. I am very attentive and nosy. I always know what is going on in my home and I always know when she is lying.

She didn't graduate on time because her mother allowed her to miss so much school and now she is my house another year while she finishes her Senior year which should have been done last year.

My question is how do I curb this lying. I need more proof than intuition. Any suggestions?

I feel like I need to add a little because I got some harsh criticism from girls who are obviously in her position.I have tried to have heart to hearts with her and I walk away thinking we have an understanding and it will be better. Hopeful. She lasts a few days and then its right back to where we were. I am only 27. I know what it's like and I try to find a good balance between friend and authoritative figure. Trust me she needs guidance and discipline more than she needs a friend. She has plenty of those. Her father feels like he was not around for a long time so he has no right to interfere unless she is doing things like staying out all night and getting arrested. He basically just wants to get her graduated. He feels like it's the least he can do. I don't feel that way. And as far as her business being hers. I wash her clothes, I feed her, I put a house over her head. You bet its my business. I do not plan to throw her out when she 18.

What's with the hostility? I never said I was perfect or my life was perfect. I also don't recall saying I want to run her life. I really dont. I do want her to value honesty and what it can do for her. I also have two small children that adore her. That scares me because she is not a good example for them. I am not the bad guy an I won't be made out to be. I am concerned and obvioudly nosy was a bad word to use because it is all anyone wants to talk about. I am not nosy. SHe has plenty of space but I do make my presence known in my own house. I think that's my right.

Answer 1

She's 18, a legal adult. Give her the rules, let her know the consequences, and stick with them. It really depends on what she's lying about, but you don't have to have it in your home. It's a good thing that you are so nosy. She may not admit it, but she needs your involvement and the structure. To not do so would tell her that you don't care.

Answer 2

You're 27. How do you think you know so much? She has lived her life, not you. You are just a bossy, nosy know-it-all.

How do you like people bossing you around? Not too well, I'd say. If she lies to you, it is only using what power she has to keep control of her own life. I really don't blame her.

The old saying is when you're pointing the finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you. So instead of trying to change her, maybe you should change the girl in the mirror.

I'm a 51-year-old single mother of 3. I'm very concerned and involved in my children's lives, but never nosy. My kids have certainly made mistakes along the way, but overall they are great kids. Mistakes made at this age are smaller than they would be if they had to learn the same lesson as an adult.

Oh, and by the way, I take it your life is perfect, you have always made the best choices and so naturally you know just how she should conduct her life to make it turn out as swell as yours.

Answer 3

Hey... I saw from what you have written that having a face to face conversation with your step daughter did not help. Why don't you try the passive approach. Coax her dad into taking a more active role. Make sure that what ever you do, is done through him and make absolutely sure she does not know its your doing (I am not suggesting you do anything bad.. just things like getting her into a tution or more classes or some better friends).
Its my guess that your step daughter has the feeling its not your business to interfere in her life. The more you do, the more she will revolt.

As for being nosy, I am not saying it is wrong... as long as you are just trying to find out that she is not getting into any kind of trouble. If you find out she is lying, make sure u do NOT point it out to her on her face. Give her a long leash... decide when its important to battle and when its not.... (e.g. wearing makeup to school may not be an important point to correct... but skipping classes is wrong.)

All the best.

Answer 4

I wish that I knew the cure for lying! You are in a very tough spot and it sounds like you are doing the right thing. I have been in a situation similar to yours. Honestly, you do not always know when she is lying and you do not know what she may be doing all the time - even when you both are at home. It's just impossible! Keep being attentive, relax on the nosey, show interest in her life and be sure to include her in yours! Do not discount your intuition, it is usually correct!
You did not mention what role her Father plays in this. He is a very important role model and she will follow his instruction more than yours. If you both stick together the message will be stronger!

Answer 5

first off, she is your "step daughter" NOT your biological daughter. you have no right to judge her or tell her what to do what so ever. What she does is her business, she is 18 now. She's an adult, let her decide what she wants, you have no right to pick fights, nag or ground her even because remember that SHE IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, she is just a step daughter. I think that if you just leave her alone & treat her like an adult, because that's what she is, AN ADULT. She is 18 years old, do not forget that. Sometimes, we deal with difficult people, we can't force them to change or act the way we want them to. It's up to them to change their ways, usually at her age, she will make mistakes & go through bad times, but these are learning lessons for her that will help her mature & grow up to be the woman she fought out to be. About the lying......YOU CAN'T CURB IT. most likely, she probably lies to you because you can't give her a break or the time of day to be honest, maybe when she's actually being honest, you come to believe that she is lying. You shouldn't do that. Like i said, it's none of your business what she's thinking or lying about in the first place, o.k. she lives in your house, the only thing you can demand from her is a little respect. That's about it. but if you want this relationship with her to get better, maybe you should start being a friend rather than being an enemy or the "evil step mother". This is not the movie Cinderella, time to face reality & put yourself into her shoes, You seriously should know this stuff, you were a teenager once. Please do not judge her, remember that she IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, so leave her alone & let her deal with things herself. Self improvement comes from past struggles & difficult times. You should just be there for her.

Answer 6

well I dont know what to tell you to do to help her change into a responsible person, But I do congradulate you for taking a firm stance on how she will act in your house. That is the first step, by letting her know you wont be taking any crap off of her. I have been in a couple of relationships where older children were involved, and it is not easy to even get any respect out if them. i think if the kids were younger when I stepped in, there might have been a better chance of getting some results, but at an older age, it's rare that they will even give the new adult a chance. Sounds like you are at least getting some results, tho. good luck!

Answer 7

I think you want to help her but right now it sounds like you resent her. Calling yourself "nosy" etc isn't good... you don't want to make her feel like she's a criminal in her own house. I'm sure you understand it was a huge change for her and WHY she started doing the things she was doing. You want to be firm with her but also be friendly... I'm not saying you're not because I don't know your situation obviously, but punishment doesn't really solve anything.

And the "in my house for another year" thing worries me. What about her college? You're actually going to kick her out when she is done high school?! That scares me.

Try being on her side for once and she might open up to you. Blended families are always awkward but try to understand her point of view and fix it not be her enemy. Good luck.. you need it.

Answer 8

I don't remember ever my children, lying. We teach our children to lie. It's for control. So I decided to be like the native americans use to live. I believed everything my children said first before others. It worked. They are well adjusted wonderful productive people.

So I taught my daughter to stop causing me to lie to her. I would forget my hormone cream at first. She would call and remind me. I finally figured out how to tell if I did it 2 times a day. I would turn the bottle over in the morning. Once she called me to remind me and said, 'did you take it?' I said yes and she did not accept my answer but kept saying, 'you really didn't did you?' She was trying to teach me to lie to her as it would have been real easy to give in and stop the pressure to present my story. So we hung up on unfriendly terms. Later, I suggested to her that she treated me that way because she wanted to feel needed and control my actions. I suggested that she accept what I say instead.

She agreed and has only forced me to remind her once or twice since. She wasn't raised with my boys and came when she was 45. So I did teach her to quit lying and to stop causing lies to please her sense of need.

Maybe that would help... also rather than rules, how about agreements. She's adult now. Let her practice the kind of adult she wants to be by agreements and knowledge how that works.

Answer 9

First of all you must know that it's not easy to have a mom with the age not much different than you.
Cause you're older than her you must show more maturity and talk to her nicely, just a suggestion approached her as a friend should help. Compares than acting like annoying mother, even if you are her real mother that method not going to help.

Answer 10

She won't feel the need to lie if you give her some damn space and privacy. You just said yourself that you're a nosy person. That right there tells you why she's been difficult towards you. She is eighteen, you can't hound her for **** she already knows. Take this from someone who has a step-mother who fits your description. When she leaves me alone, and gives me a little trust - I don't let her down. Have you tried not being a tyrant and just talking to her about everything? Letting her know you understand that she's going through some tough times at her age? Try it, it works.