Anyone ever have problems with your kids?

Question

I don't know what's going on with my 6 yo girl. She's acting like she cant' do anything by herself, she's throwing tantrums like my 2 yo son. Then I have my 2 yo who is doing the same thing she does, he's mean to my animals, he's a typical 2 yo. I feel like I'm going out of my mind!! I can't run away because I love them, and we don't have any money for me to go somewhere, like play pool, or just go to a friends house.

When I leave, they scream and cry for me, when I'm home, they act like they don't want me here. Constantly yelling at me, throwing stuff at me, ignoring me, and wanting to do things for themselves. I don't know what's going on with me, if I'm menstrul, or if I'm pregnant, but the slightest thing sets me off, and I stay mad for a quite a while.

Is there anyone that has had this problem/issue/whatever, and how did you deal with it?

Well, they both have their ''mommy time''. And when I go somewhere, they're at home with my husband, or my sister in law. And the kids are gone for a few hours on saturday. I use that time to play. Instead of clean, or whatever. But for some reason, that just doesn't seem like it's enough.

I play with them everyday they're here. Read books with my 6 yo, or help her color, I play cars/trucks with my 2 yo. Sometimes they just want to sit on my lap and watch me play a game on the comp. But when I don't feel good, I tell them no, and they get all depressed. So I get off the comp and just sit on the couch or floor, but they think it's playtime, and start climbing all over me. So I get up and go back to my computer chair and sit.

Answer 1

First, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Every parent goes through times like this, more with some kids than with others, but there have been so many times that I've wanted to sell my kids to the monkey house that I can't count. (I'm glad I didn't, now -- mine are 19, 15, and 10 -- but there were times...)

The first thing to tell yourself is that you're not their servant, their slave, or their friend -- you're their Mom. This gives you rights, but it also sets limits for you as well as for them. Perhaps the most important thing is that your job isn't to make them happy, it's to do whatever it takes to make sure they grow up with the abilities to be independent, competent adults. (That's the challenge, but also the opportunity, about having them want to do things for themselves, but I'll get to that.)

Next, let's look at the two kids in turn. Your two-year-old is in a crucial developmental stage -- you may have heard of the "terrible twos?" It's not a myth, but it's much more bearable when you understand the reason behind it. Your 2YO has just learned that he can SAY "no" as well as hear it. That is, from the moment a toddler begins cruising the furniture, he hears "No, put that down," "No, don't pull the cat's ears," "No, don't pour syrup into the CD player," etc. etc. etc. Well, children develop language skills at different speeds -- they can typically understand words about six months before they can use them in sentences.

The bigger picture, though, is that your 2YO is starting to look for his limits -- how much can he get away with? How much power does he really have? It's intoxicating, but also frightening, to a 2YO to realize that what he says can affect YOU. So there are some specific things you can do to help this turn out well:

1 - Consistency, consistency, consistency. If you say "Don't play with the spoons" (or whatever), you have to say it EVERY TIME HE TRIES TO PLAY WITH THE SPOONS. 2YOs really want the world to be the same each time they encounter it, and a lot of the repetition is checking to see whether it will be the same next time. If it's not, it stresses them out and they try another attack.

2 - Don't let him push your buttons. Yes, you get mad when a kid screams at you, but if you get mad BACK at him, then you've got two 2YOs fighting, and he's better at it. :-) What you CAN do is physically remove him from dangerous or improper situations. When our 2YOs would act up in a restaurant or toy store or anyplace, one of us would take them out and not let them have whatever they were fussing about. Every. Single. Time. Without. Fail. (See Rule #1, above.) We'd do it calmly, and we'd tell them that when they were quiet and behaved well we'd take them back. And if they acted up again, we'd take them out again. (See Rule #1, above.) Eventually they learned that acting properly got them benefits and privileges, and they were motivated to do the right thing.

3. Young children really DO need limits. A lot of the behavior you're seeing is called "testing" by child-development specialists; the child is testing the limits of their power. How far can they push before you explode? How much can they get away with before you clamp down? The thing is... kids really ARE more comfortable with limits. Power frightens them -- it's exhilarating, but it scares the hell out of them, too. You can be reasonable with them -- you don't have to be rigid, but you DO have to be consistent.

A lot of what you're feeling when you ask "what's wrong with me?" is that your 2YO is testing your limits and you haven't realized it yet. So things set you off because your 2YO is pushing all your buttons to see what happens. If you can find the inner strength to stay consistent in the face of this, you'll BOTH be better off. Just tell yourself there's nothing wrong... it's really hard... and that's why they pay you the big bucks. :-) (We found that good humor between me and my wife was the key to surviving three two-year-olds...)

Now, about your 6YO -- 6 is an age of independence and searching for limits given the newfound competencies of school and other developmental changes. Oh, fun, two kids testing your limits! :-) 6 is also an age for violent emotions and opposites -- I remember my oldest daughter REFUSING to try reading (and after years of Sesame Street! :-) -- she simply would NOT sound out her letters or work on sight words or ANYTHING. Then, one day, she started reading all the packages in the grocery store. It was like she couldn't NOT read. (She's in college now, so it worked out.)

The other key to 6YOs is that they really want to have things their own way -- tantrums being part of the package, often. Here, the same thing applies: consistency, consistency, consistency. Remember, your job is not to be her friend, it's to give her the structure she needs to grow up strong, capable, and responsible. When she starts yelling, take her out of wherever she is and keep repeating that when she behaves responsibly she can go back. You may have to say this a thousand times -- but eventually they get it.

You are completely within your rights -- more than that, you are responsible for letting them know what's acceptable and what isn't. Throwing things at you isn't acceptable, and you need to make this clear to your kids. Time them out, take them away from something they want, but do it consistently. And never make an empty threat -- if you say "Don't throw that spoon or you're out of here" and they throw the spoon, they're out of there. Instantly and automatically, just like gravity. If you fail ONCE, they will keep trying to see how often they can get away with it. Consistency, consistency, consistency.

At the same time, you have lots of opportunities for positive reinforcement if you can catch your breath long enough to look. Both your 2 and 6YO are at stages where they are DESPERATELY looking to learn what they can do for themselves. Get your 6YO to help you with tasks around the house -- have the little one make meatballs with you (my oldest started helping me cook when she was 3, it was one of our best father-daughter activities), or roll out biscuits, or whatever you think he can do as a special treat. Your 6YO is getting more capable, but she's still looking for limits from you. So set up structures -- whether it's a chore (surely you could use some help folding laundry with a 2YO in the house) or a treat (make Rice Krispy Treats with her), but again, consistency in the enforcement of your limits is the key to getting both of these kids to respond and respect you. Something that always surprised me about my kids: they DESPERATELY wanted to be older, more competent, and more capable, and I could use that to help them develop in a positive way.

And... let's face it, you're spending more time with the 2YO, because he needs it more. And that's tough for the older girl, who's had you to herself till the little one came along. So play to her strengths: start letting her have more privileges IF and WHEN she can also demonstrate some responsibilities, but take privileges away if she can't behave the way you say is acceptable -- no yelling, throwing, or ignoring. Your 6YO is just about mature enough to understand if you explain to her that her little brother needs a lot more attention, but he can't do as much as she can; so how about working on something you and she can do together that the little one can't? It almost doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's something that makes her feel special, competent, mature, and paid attention to. My daughter used to help me cook and work on my cars; either one was great, a wonderful time together.

And the last thing... it's so simple, so small, so seemingly insignificant, but I believe it may be the single most important thing I've done, not only with my three kids but with all the kids at their schools, their friends, their soccer team-mates, the kids who volunteered for the activities I led in elementary school, everybody:

Look them in the eyes when you talk to them. SO MANY parents I see look off in the distance or over their heads or at something else altogether and say "Johnny, don't put that match in the kitty's ear." Whether you're setting limits or letting them know when they've been good, look them in the eyes. Treat them like people. Respect them -- and yes, you can respect a kid who's being punished for throwing oatmeal. You respect that kid by yanking him out of his chair and plopping him in his room -- then you look him in the eyes and say straight out (but calmly), "Don't throw oatmeal. You can come out in a few minutes and try again."

Answer 2

Well, it could be a couple of issues.
For starters maybe the 6 y/o is acting out, or having some separation anxiety.

Also, it's quite normal for kids to have "difficult periods" during some stages.

Perhaps seeing a therapist for the kids or the family might help to. Sometimes someone that is an outsider can better access what's going on, especially one that has training and experience. It doesn't make u a bad mom for having those feelings, we all have. Just make sure that you keep your anger in check and don't hurt your children by mistake. I'm not calling you an abuser or anything but I know that being a single mom can be very stressful. Another thing you might try is getting out and letting yourself have a break. Have a friend or relative watch them for an hour or so just to have a little time for yourself. That doesn't make you a bad parent, in fact if you are less stressed it makes you a better parent. And don't feel guilty if they cry when being left with another trusted adult, it will get better. And your kids will learn that momma will come back. Kids aren;t dumb, if they see it works they will cont. to do it. You need your sanity. Leave them with a trusted person, and don't look back. Trust me, been there, done it, and they will be fine! You may feel guilty, but you have to shake it off.

Answer 3

Well I have a 20 month old son and am 31 weeks pregnant with my 2nd so I am very emotional right now and it seems that every little thing gets me upset.And on top of my raging hormones I found out 2 weeks ago that I have gestational diabetes and I had to start on insulin shots every night and finger prick tests 4 times a day.I am pretty on edge alot of the day.
To deal with all the stress I take me time when my son naps-I read a good book,take a nap,take a warm bath-anything to try to relax.
When my son acts up-which seems like tons lately-I take a deep breath and remember that this is a phase and all too soon he will be grown up and not need mommy anymore-and I will miss these days.
All will turn out well-I promise!

Answer 4

YES!!!! My five year old acts the same way when I am giving attention to his younger brother and sister. I have found that if I set some "special" time for him and I, that I can get him back on track and workig with me instead of against me. I totoally know what you mean about not being able to go anywhere. So we try to make cookies when it fits int eh budget, or read a book, play a game. Whatever thing that I know he likes. He loves to bake with me, so I try to make sure I have enough ingredients to make things. But it is something HE likes so that he knows it is his special time, then as he starts feeling needed again, I feel needed and respected again, and then my middle son begins following my oldests lead.

Hang in there. I also have found that Chocolate is a wonderful thing.

Good luck. and Happy Holidays

Answer 5

well, my children use to do that, I gave them mommy time, but it wasn't enough. You let your 6 yr old get away with yelling and you have let her do so since she was young. When your child does something good, enough if it is picking up something, praise him and her. Clap and say good job. There is not enough praise going around. Have you hugged your children today? You are stressed out and they can see it's getting to you. Let your 6 six old cry like a baby, and don't do anything just say no. State the words, no that's it. Let him or her cry no matter where you are. You cannot let them win and console them and give them what they want.

Answer 6

I never put up with any crap like that from day one. Once they get away with it, they own you.
You have to set limits and let them cry, pout, whatever. DO NOT give in.
It's just like with a baby. Don't let them sleep with you, put them to bed. If they get up, put them down again. All night a hundred times if you have to.
Don't go in because they are crying. Once the figure out it doesn't work they will stop.
It's not mean, but it's not easy to ignore. You have to be strong.
Good luck!

Answer 7

Sounds like you need to call supernanny.

You just need to set limits, use disapline.