How can I stop co-sleeping with my toddler without her throwing a fit every time?

Question

My daughter will be 2 in February and no matter what I do, I cannot sleep unless she is with me and my husband in our bed. I try putting her in her own room but she screams bloody murder when I do. She acts like someone is killing her. I actually had the neighbor come over and ask if she was okay one night because she was so upset!!! She refuses to sleep anywhere but with me at night. I have tried letting her cry but like I said, the neighbors think I am killing her! What can I do to make her want to sleep by herself. I've tried giving her a nightlight. She sleeps with her teddy bear and baby doll. I put up a baby gate in her doorway so her door isnt shut at night.
I only have a full size bed so it is hard to have me, her, my husband, her teddy bear, and her baby doll all in one little bed. And she always wants to sleep long ways and kicks me and hits me in the head all night so I never get a good nights sleep. And she talks in her sleep. LOL.

Answer 1

I answer this question a lot... I have been a preschool teacher for over 14 years, and parents are continually struggling with this... The hardest part is retraining your child's habit. That is all it is... a habit. She has been conditioned to sleep with you- now you need to "condition" her otherwise. It will take great patience and perseverence on your part. This is not an easy task you are undertaking, for you have to un-do what you have done. It takes young children up to 20 trials to re-learn a behavior.
The first night, take her to her bedroom, and create a good-night ritual (read a story, give kisses, tuck her into her bed with her stuffed animal). Then sit on the floor near the bed. Every time she gets out of her bed, take her hand and guide her back. Say, "Its time for bed. You sleep in your bed." Tuck her back in and sit on the floor near the bed. This will be the worst night... you will probably spend most of it awake, so you may want to start this on a Friday night or other night when you don't have to be up to go somewhere the next day (like work). You will have to have will power, and the belief that the next days WILL go better. If you cave in now, forget it. Your child has won, and you will not train her to sleep in her own bed. You have to be strong, and you have to be willing to listen to screaming until she passes out. Eventually even the most stubborn toddler HAS to sleep... it may be at 3 in the morning when she finally passes out, but she WILL eventually pass out. You may want to warn your neighbor ahead of time that you will be starting this training session... it won't be pleasant for the first few nights as you try to un-do previous training.
The next night, do the same good-night ritual, but this time after you tuck her in, sit on the floor about halfway between the bed and the door. Put her back in bed every time she gets up without talking to her. This is important... you don't want to get dragged into a conversation whose only purpose is to distract you from the idea of getting her into bed. Ignore her talking and put her back into bed without a word. Go sit back on the floor. Don't give in, no matter how sleep deprived you are from the night before, or you will be starting all over again.
The third night, do the same good night ritual, but this time, sit on the floor at the door. Put her back in bed every time she gets up, without a word and go sit back on the floor near the door.
The fourth night, sit outside the door after the goodnight ritual. Still put her back in bed every time. By this point, she should be getting the idea that you are not going to give in, and it may only take a few times tonight before she is asleep. If she calls out for you, reassure her with your voice that you are there, "Mommy's on the other side of the door. Go to sleep."
The fifth night, you continue the good night ritual and go to your room. If you have a baby monitor, turn it on so that you can hear if she calls for you during the night. If she gets out of bed, take her back and tell her to stay in her bed. She may only get out once or twice to check on your whereabouts. Go back to your room and get back in your bed.
Continue to take her back to her own bed and doing the good night ritual every night so that it becomes ingrained in her memory that this is the way things go. Be strong, and ask for your partner's help. He has to be on the same page as you, if you want this to work for real. He has to be just as consistent in taking her back to bed and telling her to stay there. He cannot cave in even once (and neither can you) in letting her come into your bed because you are so tired from not sleeping. Take shifts. You stay up for the first three hours on the first night, and then get your hubby up and have him take the next three. This is as much a "pact" between the two of you as parents as it is a training for your daughter. This sets up your committment to raising her TOGETHER. You have to project a united front (even when you disagree) to your daughter. She WILL conquer and divide, because that is how children work to get their way. Stand united and don't back down, and you will succeed! Good luck!

Answer 2

You have waited too long to make this an easy transition. Unfortunately, you are at the point now where you are going to have to just close the door, sit down in another room, grip the handles of the chair, grind your teeth, cry quietly, and let her scream herself to sleep for a couple of nights.

You might want to reassure her every 15 minutes or so but it sounds like you have given in every time in the past so she is going to expect you to buckle. DON'T GIVE IN! You are the parent and being the parent isn't easy. Reassure her and then leave the room and resume crying in the living room.

Since she is older and is accustomed to winning this battle, you will probably have to go through this for a week or more, but kids are pretty cluey and she will figure it out pretty quick.

Some recommendations: ALWAYS tell her that it is time for sleeping and you have to go now, that you will see her in the morning, that you love her, and that if something is wrong you and Daddy will be right there. These are reassurances that you are not leaving forever and that if she really needs Mommy and Daddy they are only a shout away.
Good luck!

Answer 3

My daughter did the same thing. What I did was not give her any naps during the day, and if she fell asleep I would only let her sleep for about 15 minutes, so by bedtime she was dead tired. I would sit with her bed, literally tuck her in, and wait until she fell asleep. Most of the time she was so tired that she didn't get up during the night, but on the nights she did I would just pick her right back up and put her back in her bed. I also gave her A LOT of praise telling her what a big girl she is. I also told her that only big girls could do things like help wipe the table, or pick up all her toys and part of being a big girl is sleeping by herself. It didn't take long for her to get used to it and the freedom is priceless.

Answer 4

First let me say, my little brother slept in my mothers room until he was 11! At 10 he graduated to sleeping in the floor, but he refused to sleep in his own room. So, you should probably nip this in the butt, while you can. I have a couple suggestions:

First, you could try putting her bed in your room, for a few nights. Maybe it's your room she wants. Get a toddler bed and put it at the foot of your bed and see if she'll lay down to sleep there. If not, move on to idea number two

Idea number two, lay down with her on her bed, in her room at night. Sing her to sleep. Remind her how much you love her, that she can alway come get you if she needs too. Stay with her until she falls asleep.

It's a big step to move into your own room. I have a little boy that will be 4 in March, and will not sleep without his big brother. I have 18 month old twins, that WILL NOT sleep without each other. I dread the day I try to seperate them. It's a complete change for her, a new bed, a new room. You could also buy her a body pillow. Sleep with it yourself a couple nights. I don't know about toddlers so much, but I know babys don't sleep as well in a new place. I think it has a lot to do with smells. Anyway, I would remind her how much you love her, and you're always going to be right down the hall, no matter what. I can remember sitting on the floor next to the crib holding my little boys hand while he fell asleep. It's a task and it will take a couple weeks. The only other thing I can tell you to try would be the "cry it out approach". I know you said you tried it, and it didn't work. I know how tough it is too. I had to do it with my first two though. What I did, the first night, you lay them down, tell them good night, you love them, you will see them first thing in the morning, and you leave their room. If they're still crying in 5 minutes, you go back and lay them back down. You tell her goodnight, you love her, you'll see her first thing in the morning, and you keep doing that, until she falls asleep. The second night you wait 6 or 7 minutes in between visits, and so on. With my boys the visits became fewer, until they were falling asleep within the first couple of minutes. I think reassuring them that you're still there, you're not going anywhere, and you love them helps calm them a bit. And once she realizes that this is where she's going to have to sleep, she'll eventually calm down and sleep in her own room, without too much of a fuss.

I hope something here helps. Good luck!

Answer 5

My daughter and I am going through this right now or just getting past it (she's 19 mo). However my husband works graveyard. I play hard with her during the day. She usually is ready to go to bed at bed time. I put her in her bed and stay there with her until she falls asleep. I had been leaving the door open and if she woke up I would sit with her until she fell back to sleep in her own bed. Its tiring but necessary. it only took a few days now when she is ready for a nap she climbs in her own bed and goes to sleep. I still have to put her in her own bed at night (for some reason its harder for her to sleep alone at night than in the day) but she has been sleeping all night long there. (Sometimes i put a blanket over her window to keep it warm and dark in there for her and that really seemed to help too)

Answer 6

I am having the same problem, but it's not just my almost 3 year old, it is my (almost) 12 month old as well. My 3 yr. old was doing really well sleeping by himself, and then when we moved he started waking up in the middle of the night yelling for daddy, if my daughter isn't already in bed with us, he wakes her up ... My husband and I are also lost and don't know what to do. What I used to do with my son, is put him in his crib, and sit in the room with him, so he knew I was there ... then he would fall asleep, and I would go in my own room, if he woke up, I would do the same thing. the only reason I haven't done that this time is becuase one always wakes the other up, and I just started back to work and will take whatever sleep I can get. :)
Good Luck!! I feel your pain. :)

Answer 7

Lay down with her in her bed until she falls asleep. She'll continue to have fits because they work. She crys bloody murder and gets what she wants. Lay down with her and comfort her but let her cry and don't give in. You WILL lose sleep for a while but you have to do this is you want her out of your bed. Once she's asleep leave her. She'll start getting used to waking up by herself. Once she's comfortable with that then the next step is to make ia routine for her to go to bed by herself.

Answer 8

If your daughter isn't that big try putting a crib in your bedroom and move her to that after she is asleep. Eventually she will get used to the new sleeping arrangements. Then you can try to get her to fall asleep in there in the first place. Then work on getting her into her own room.

OR

Try going to bed with her in her own bed, then after she falls asleep you can return to your bed.

Answer 9

I've been there and I got my son this night light but it has lots of colors on it and it spins around I don't know what its called anymore but he would look at the colors and when he would wake up in the middle of the night he would see the colors and go back to sleep and not come in our room anymore

Answer 10

Make her up a little bed on your floor and tell her to either sleep there or in her own room.
After a little while there, move her to her room.
We had to do this with our little one, she was actually glad after the first night, she realized that she liked her own room!

Answer 11

I went through this change with my daughter when she was approx 3 years old. Because of this i never co-slept with my son. We went straight to the crib.
With my daughter it took me making the decision she was going to sleep in her own room, then it took 2 sleepless nights, then it was over.
So first commit, Second stick it out, Tell her before she goes to bed, maybe tell your neighbors whats going on so they don't ask questions. I believe in 3 days at the most if you don't give in it will be solved.