Let them fight it out or what?

Question

Okay, my kids are 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. They are both going through a phase now where each wants what the other has. I've taken a toy away from both but realized it wasn't fair to the one who had the toy first. Is it best to let themselves work it out together or is it best that I ALWAYS intervene? I've tried both and for some things, it is best to let them work it out in most some circumstances. My mother-in-law is completely against it though. I'm hearing one side from my mom and one side from his mom and it's driving me insane. Are kids capable of working problems out at this age or am I just imagining they are?

I'll use this as an example; Earlier today they were fighting over a babydoll even though they have like 20. I let them take it away from each other a few times to see what they would do. After about 5 minutes, they shared it. One would rock the baby and when she was done she would give it to sissy to feed.

Answer 1

They are too young to work out all their problems now. They need some guidance. Some have suggested that you take things away from them when they are fighting over it. This will not teach them to problem solve and will not work. If you take something away from them they will just pick something else to fight over. If you start now teaching them to problem solve on their own, it will be much easier for them to do so on their own when they are older.

I have taught preschool for over 12 years and have learned that it is better for them to work out a problem for themselves with a little guidance. Say for example two children are fighting over a toy, I will say "It looks like you both want to use that (state the problem). Only one toy but two people that want to use it." The children will often say things like "I had it first! I want it!" I then empathize. "I can't tell that you really want that. It's very (upsetting, frustrating, making you angry) that Emma won't give it to you." I let them vent a bit then say "What can we do about this?" Sometimes they will problem solve on their own, other times they need some help. I might say "I have an idea! When Kate it finished with she can give it to you”, or, “how about Kate uses it for 3 minutes and then you can use it?" This approach works very well. Always state the problem, empathize (A little empathy can go a long way. You are just empathizing, not joining into the problem.), validate, and help the child identify their problem, restate their ideas to fix the problem, help them to carry out the solution. Spend less and less time each time. After the children figure out that you won't solve the problem for them, they will get much better at solving their own problems. It takes some practice and active listening, but it works!

There is a great book by Eleanor Reynolds called "Guiding Young Children." It will help you help your children to solve problems in any given situation. Check it out! Good luck!

Answer 2

I think you're right, for some (I think most) circumstances it's best to let them work it out. Don't forget that "sharing" when it comes to a single toy actually means "taking turns" and the first step is that they have to give up the item to someone else. It's a tough concept to grasp. Things that they can actually share (play-doh, multiple cars, snacks, etc.) work better to teach this.

There are some things you just can't teach your kids - hit another kid, get hit back. Take away a toy, get it ripped back out of your hands. In my son's case: swipe a pink marker from a little girl, get your face colored with pink marker.

I'm not saying you let it get really violent or upsetting, but if you constantly intervene, how are they going to learn for themselves?

Listen to your instincts, you are totally in the right.

Answer 3

At 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 they are not capable of working it out themselves. You need to intervene. They are not capable of even understanding what sharing means at this point. Just take the toy and give it back to whoever had it first, and tell the other child that they need to "wait their turn". When the other child finishes playing with the toy, then you can say, "OK, now it's YOUR turn."

Answer 4

I agree with whichever "mom" is telling you to intervene. At this age, they aren't capable of working it out. A 1 1/2 yr. old and a 2 1/2 yr. old are not going to sit there and work it out because the only thing on their mind is "I want that!"

You need to intervene and teach them how to share. If you don't teach them how to share now, then they never will. They're 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 for goodness sakes--you can't just sit back and watch!

Just saw your edit and I wanted to add that in cases like that, you should praise them for sharing. I still think you should intervene, but I should have added earlier that you should give it a minute or two before stepping in. Give them a chance to work it out, but if it goes on for too long then intervene and settle it.

Answer 5

First of all there your kids, they do need to learn to share or it could cause trouble later in life,but they are going to have to learn to work some things out for themselves. You wont be there to always hold there hand.

Answer 6

you need to let the other one know that you cant take toys away and what i would do is take the toys away from the one that is taking the toy from the other one and let them see what its like i think that its ok to let them fight alittle not alot

Answer 7

Kids this age can't really reason. Let them know they have to go to separate rooms if they fight, for any reason.

Answer 8

try to get them to share

Answer 9

yah juz lettem duke it out, sometimes kids need to affirm their place to othr kids