I was molested by both my father and Grandfather?

Question

My mother trusted both of them completly. Now that I am having a baby I don't know how to keep her safe with any male. How can you trust anyone after that happened? How do I protect my child?

My last question I pretended to be a guy cause I don't need the girls bashing me for what I did I just wanted to know if anybody else did it. I would never lie about being molested that is sick.

Answer 1

I was molested by a cousin, so I know what you mean.

You have to find the balance. While you protect her from everything, you cant protect her from everything.

Every child needs positive male influences in its life in order to develop correctly.

A mothers intuition is excellent. So is educating the child. Its never too early to start talking about whats appropriate touching and whats not. Imagine if your mother had empowered you with confidence to know that even daddy touching you was bad, and that its wrong and people will protect you and you must tell them. If you, and I, had both known that no matter what was said to us by those familiy members, that we wouldnt be blamed or in trouble for those events, but that we'd be protected, the abuse wouldnt have continued because we'd have sought help.

Also, watching for warning signs, and being a major part of every situation, and knowing your husband and his father as well as you can prevents a lot.

Yes, people are secretive, and you cant know everything, or anticipate every action, but you can gain a awareness for when something is off.

This sort of abuse happens because the parents one or both, are neglecting to notice the signs of abuse.

As someone who was molested you can tell when something isnt right. You know that look on a mans face, you know the sly little lies and tricks to make everything seem normal and pure, and you know the way it looks on the child, because you've been there yourself.

But education and trust between your child and people who CAN help (you, the police, the school), is the biggest weapon you can develop.

Answer 2

I wish questions like yours had no reason to be asked. I am sorry that you have dealt, and still deal with this. I hope you find some real healing soon.
A couple of things. Not all men are like the ones who molested you. I am sure you know that intellectually, but it is harder to convince yourself emotionally. Some good counseling could definitely help. Also, be very honest with the father. Hopefully he will be an understanding guy and realize that your careful eye is not an indictment against him, but just a part of your past that you are working through. It may benefit him to talk to a counselor who understands abuse, so that he has a better understanding of your emotions. Trust is only built through time. As far as protecting your child is concerned. No parent is all powerful or all knowing, so the unsatisfying answer is, you can't always protect your child. As good a job as you will do, there are variables you won't be able to control. That is simply one of the facts that every parent has to come to grips with.
Like I said, I hope you find some healing and freedom from the lies you have been told and may have even believed about yourself or what happened. God bless.

Answer 3

Honestly, trusting is a hard issue to come by. No one is 100% trustable, however, you have to do your best to be completely open with your children and teach them the difference between right and wrong touch.

Also, there are big signs that will tell you if your child is being molested. Despite that your mother trusted these two people, it was not her neglegence or fault that this happened to you. And no parent should be blamed unless they knew about it and let it happen.

Some of the signs can be - exploring similar things with other people, lying, causing pain, being secretive, and a general overall depression. If your child is acting out - there's a problem.

One thing that my mom said that made it easier for me to hide what happened to me had to do with her saying that different people have different rules at their houses. There really isn't anything wrong with this - however - as adults - we should dig into the types of rules and things that happen while our kids are out and about. Asking them from the earliest possible time - how their day went, if they got into trouble, if they had fun, what did they eat for food, did they do anything special, do they have any special friends and things like that.. Open communication is the only way to keep your family safe. And to be honest... we can't always protect ourselves and our children, we have to do the best we can without neglecting them. And remember, females can do the harming too.

Answer 4

I'm very sorry about what happened to you. But you're making good choices regarding your soon-to-be daughter. Here are some suggestions about how to keep her safe.

(1) She should spend absolutely no unsupervised time with your father or grandfather or mother. Supervised means supervised by you and you alone. You cannot trust your mother. As painful as it is to say, it is somewhat common for one member of a married couple to trust/ignore/pretend they don't know what's going on, in the face of incest.

This first rule will probably cause some friction between you and your parents. Be polite but strident about this, and be blunt, saying, "My child has no business being around Dad/Grandfather, and you know why." If they act like they don't know why, offer to tell them why. Let them apologize if they want, but still do not leave your dau alone with your family, and that includes your mother.

(2) Make sure everybody who cares for your daughter--sitters, daycare providers, Sunday-school teachers--has had a background check. Refuse to leave her in the care of somebody who has not been checked, and ask for proof. Be blunt with care providers, and tell them that you intend to protect your daughter from abuse, and that what you are requesting is a basic and non-negotiable first step.

(3) Realize this isn't a male problem, it is a sex-abuse problem. There are far more males who don't abuse children than those that do. So don't get into a male-suspicion mode, because it will erode your and your dau's necessary relationships with men. Be aware that some females abuse children too. Therefore, these rules must apply to women in your child's life also.

This thought makes me wonder where your dau's father is. I hope you will encourage her to have a relationship with her father.

Here's how you learn to trust again: You come to the adult understanding that there are bad people in the world, and you make a personal commitment to keep them out of your life. That means that all immoral, dishonest, manipulative, addicted, excessively negative, whiny and otherwise difficult people will be removed from your circle quickly, quietly and without blame. You need to know that you are not making compromises with others' bad behavior. If you are doing any of these things, you make a firm commitment to stop it--now.

Moreover, you learn how to take care of yourself and your daughter, because unpleasant things happen to all of us from time to time. But being prepared means you will feel more confident when you are challenged in some way. If you are a spiritual person, I suggest you pray for protection and wisdom to handle your challenges.

Bless you and your daughter and her father.

Answer 5

HI,
I was molested by my father. I have a 3 year old girl!
I trust my husband completely and he would never harm her. you need to let go of the past and look forward to the future. I am always open and honest with my child. I taught her the proper names for all her body parts and she knows no one except certain people are aloud to see her naked(ie: doctor, mommy)
I will continue to keep her safe without being over protective.
feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions.

Answer 6

I was molested by my grand father too and told my mom but she refused to believe it and did nothing about it,so i know how you feel when your own mother won't believe you!! You seem to be aloving motherwho would do anything to protect their child. I am like that too ! I would NEVER let my child be hurt like i was .Don't worry you will be fine because the differance between you and your mother is that you will LISTEN to your child and act upon it immediately!! GOD BLESS YOU &MERRY X-MAS

Answer 7

You know what? I was abused by my brother and a friend. Abuse is terrible, but teach your child self confidence, adn what to do if that child needs to protect themselves. Teach him/her that no one has that right, and that if anything of that nature happens, to tell you right away, even if its someone who you both know. I never told because my parents never told me that. Teach your child selfdefense. Know that not everyone is an abuser, but not everyone an be trusted, use a nanny cam if u suspect anything.

Answer 8

wow that is soo sad ! something like that happened to my mom (or so she said)!i some times feel the same way around my grandpa (he supposedly molested my mom) it was very hard for me to go around him. I had to go talk to a counseler and explain what i had heared about him it was terrible .in the end it helped me out !i doent feel like i have to fear him any more.in the end my mom wond up lieing about the whole thing ! so yeah talking to some one is probeble the best thing to do right now!

Answer 9

you are in trouble. the best and only thing to do would be to tell someone. if you dont, it might get really bad. if nobody listens, then run away to a friend and live with HER!! for a while and get a job and when you have enough money buy your own apartment. it will be ok, dont worry. i hope my advice helped.GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 10

Get counsoling and keep her away from them. It's rough that this happened to you, but not every man in the world is a predator. Most of them are decent sorts.