My son is a liar and a thief?

Question

My (step) son is 14. I essentially became his father when he was about 4. His biodad plays no role in his life at all. There is also his older sister who is 15. I married their mother and we all live together. They call me Dad and I have been "Dad" for basically their whole lives.
Anyways: my son has been stealing from my wife and I for some time. Dollar here, dollar there...can't really prove it. He has recently become more bold. On the weekend my wallet got cleaned out - I don't think I had much in there, maybe 10-20 dollars, and it's possible that he didn't take it, so I didn't level an accusation, but I was suspicious.
Last night I took $40 from an ATM and made a mark on the bills. This morning they were gone. My wife and I searched him and found $88, including the two 20s. He insists he did not steal them. OBVIOUSLY he did he has been caught. But he still insists he didn't, crying and saying he had been saving it for months to buy Christmas presents.

Even when caught without a shadow of a doubt he still lies. We confiscated the money (some of which, maybe $40, was legitimately his - spending money given to him from time to time) and now he calls us theives. None of this money was ever earned (although he has done that in the past, raking leaves etc for neighbors). He says he's been carrying these crisp new $20s with marks that by astounding coincidence are the same as the bills I just lost. He is a gifted liar - he fools friends, teachers, other adults and has for years. He has everyone convinced that we are the bad guys. Every year it takes until about April for his teachers to realize he is just a liar and they feel like fools for always believing him. Next year, same thing starts over. Is the only way for this kid to learn to not run in traffic is to just let him get hit by a car?
Again he's BEEN to many counsellors they just throw up their hands they don't know what to do with him.

I guess I shouldn't expect Yahoo! answers to have any more competent counsellors either so I guess I am just venting.

I guess it's my fault for writing such a long question. For the people suggesting talking, punishment, counselling etc that's all we've been doing for years nothing gets better. Every punishment under the sun shy of beating him has been done. He has worked himself into having practically no trust or freedom anymore.

Answer 1

If you can afford it, put his butt in military school. Don't send him to one of those so-called "boot camps" like they show on the talk shows like Maury Povich where they just beat up your kid and maybe even kill him like that one in Florida.

Tell him you love him, you want what's best for him and send him to a good military academy. Better for him to get some discipline now than wind up dead or in jail later or worse.

Answer 2

Whether venting or not, this is a very serious situation. He is old enough to know better and will soon be old enough to prosecuted under adult laws (depending on location). First of all, in the midst of trying to catch him, you have never said what you would do to rectify the issue once he is caught. I believe there is something underlying the behavior. Maybe peer pressure, wants that you can't afford to give him, or maybe he is just a "bad seed". Whatever the case, instead of trying to catch him in a lie or something like that, talk to him. I mean really sit him down and ask him what's going on and why he feels the need to have to take things instead of ask for it. If he denies it or cries, be firm but not accusatory. Most likely, he will come clean as to why he feels the need to do this and you can take it from there. If he doesn't and he still has this problem, I think you should seek counseling. It would be easier for him to be upset with you now and get help then to let him throw his future away.

Answer 3

It sounds like your son has some deep emotional problems that he don't wont to admit to himself or can't deal with. Some of the way he's acting might be because of his real dad walking away. But then again he could just be using it as an excuse also. You might want to try contacting the local sheriffs department or juvenille center and see if you can get someone to arrange him a little visit where they show him the place and actually lock him in a cell for a little while to see if that will work. Most of them are willing to do that on the chance that it will scare him straight. If that don't work then all you can do is stick to your guns on the rules and the punishment and from there let him learn on his own. Some kids unfortunally have to learn on their own.

Answer 4

well, yeah I'm not a counselor. There 's not much anyone can say to help if you've already taken him to counselors and they can't do anything to help. hmmm. have you actually sat down with him yourself and just talked about it. I mean not accusing him of anything but just talking. Are you two really close? I mean it sounds like the only thing you can do is talk to him about it, or actually catch him sneaking into your wallet. It would be hard for even him to talk his way out of that if he's caught in the act. You could always scare him and take him to a jail or something and show him what happens to people who steal and maybe he'll realize what he's doing is wrong.

Answer 5

I understand how frustrating that must be. MY aunt is going through a similar situation with her daughter (my cousin). She is also 14 and completely rebellious. She has been in trouble before and is seeing counselors and most recently a psychiatrist (to see if there is something wrong with her). Do you know if your son is on drugs? That could explain the money stealing.
I just wish you well and good luck because I know how exhausting that situation must be. Will keep you in my thoughts.

Answer 6

im not gonna answer the question by suggesting you what to do etc... because i am not a member of ur family and i dont know each of you very well either.. but i will try to explain what i know that can help.. if someone does something, which is true or wrong for you, it means that it seemed the right, advantageous or beneficial to him/her... people do things because they see a point which is advantageous to them.. they usually know that it's harmful to other people but they dont care.. they think selfish and the only thing matters to them is their profits/benefits... he is stealing money and liying because he thinks that he can get away with it and he thinks that it will help him to do sth else.. it's beneficial to him.. he is stealing the money because he thinks like that.. or it may became a habit to get sth from people and get away with it etc... it seems interesting to people to get money from an easy way.. no warking hard but getting money.. maybe liying seemed easier than working to him... whatever... but the only thing you sould never forget is that if someone does something, it must have seemed advantageous to him/her... i think you will find the answer in your own.. i think you are a good father.. you want everything to be good and happy.. i wish you make it.. good luck...

Answer 7

Look at his reasons for doing it..Believe it or not kids always have a reason for doing things..this could for attention..for whatever reason..could be the realization his BIO father plays no role in his life..kids aren't just bold for kicks there is always a reason behind it..seek help if you wish the situation to get better..

Good Luck xx

Answer 8

You have to be firm and consistent with him before it REALLY gets out of hand. Take him to the town jail and let him stay there overnight to scare him straight! Since he feels the right to take what is not his then I suggest you take his door off of his room. Where you can watch him all the time. He doesn't deserve respect or privacy until he earns it. You REALLY need to do this now. It has been going on too long.

Thanks

Answer 9

have you sat down and calmly told this young man that he will never get through life by being a cheater and a liar? Or maybe he wants jail for his lifetime! Pathelogical is the only answer that comes to my mind and I cannot help with that.

Answer 10

A similiar situation has occurred twice with two different relatives, both teenagers. If it walks, quacks, swims like a duck, it's a duck. You marked the bills, he stole them. Face it.
In both instances, each of my relatives was later diagnosed with bipolar. One of them went the same route you have gone with your son, no one was able to help. Medicine was the answer, prescribed by family physician.
Good luck.