2006-12-20 00:28:13 · 21 answers · asked by legend 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Q: Who makes more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A: A prostitute: she can wash and re-sell her crack.
Happy holidays!
x
2006-12-20 00:42:48 · answer #1 · answered by Error Child 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The world's funniest joke is a term used by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire in 2002 to summarize one of the results of his research. For his experiment, he created a website where people could submit and rate over 10,000 jokes [1]. Purposes of the research included discovering the joke that had the widest appeal and understanding among different cultures, demographics and countries.
[edit] The study
The study documented regional differences in humour, as well as variations between the sexes. Men preferred more aggressive jokes, as well as sexual innuendo, while women preferred word play. Wiseman points out that this is the joke that the most people found reasonably funny, and that it would be unreasonable to expect any joke to be universally judged superior to all others.
The aim of the research was to shed some light on how the brain works.
The experiment was conducted in Britain, where researchers solicited people around the world to contribute jokes as well as judge them. At the conclusion of the experiment, the scientists had evaluated over 40,000 submitted jokes and tallied nearly 2 million votes.
[edit] The jokes
The winner, submitted by Gurpal Gosall, of Manchester, England was:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool, England:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
2006-12-20 00:55:29 · answer #2 · answered by FIRE § 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her
and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept
my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
2006-12-20 03:51:39 · answer #3 · answered by Gardenia 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The Government
2006-12-20 00:30:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
The traveling incense salesman was walking along the dusty road out of New Delhi when he realized he needed a place to sleep. He saw the root gatherers hut in the distance and headed for it. He knocked at the entrance-way and the root gatherer came to the door and said "Yes". The incense salesman said, " I am a traveling incense salesman and I need a place to sleep for the night." The root gatherer said, " You are welcome to sleep here, but you will have to sleep up in the loft with my daughter." He answered "OK" and climbed the ladder to the loft. The next morning he came down and squatted down next to the root gatherer and accepted a cup of tea. The root gatherer asked, "Did you enjoy sleeping with my daughter?". The salesman said, "Yes I did very very much, but I have to ask, why was there rice in her mouth?". The root gatherer replied, "Oh, that is not rice, that is maggots, she has been dead for two years."
2006-12-20 15:50:36 · answer #5 · answered by iknowtruthismine 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is the best clean one I know:
A man is in a casino playing black jack and losing badly so he decides to have one last game with his last £10.00
The dealer gives him 2 cards, a ten and a seven so he thinks, “I’ll stick”.
Just then a leprechaun appears on his shoulder. “Buy another one,” it tells him.
So he pays £5.00 and buys another. It’s a 2 so he’s got 19 and thinks, “I’ll stick”.
“Buy another one,” urges the leprechaun. Somewhat dubiously he hands over his last fiver. The dealer gives him an ace. “Brilliant” he thinks to himself, “I’ll stick”
“Buy another one,” says the leprechaun. “You must be kidding says the gambler”. “No” says the leprechaun, “buy another one”.
Out of cash he offers his wedding ring as a £5 stake, which the croupier accepts.
The table is hushed, the card is dealt to him, face down, he picks it up in trepidation and turns it over. It’s an ace! 21 and a five-card trick!!
The leprechaun looks at his cards and says “ You jammy ****”
2006-12-20 00:41:27 · answer #6 · answered by leedsmikey 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
so theres this guy walken to work and just before he gets to this bustop this hobo comes up and askes him for change. the guys is like, "no sorry not right now."
and the hobo yells, "what the hell!!! you think you better than me!!! i"ll show you!! i'll show you allll!!!!!!" the hobo runs off. the guy is stunned but continues to the bustop. he gets on the bus and the bus starts moving before he realizes he has no bus fare. after a while the driver says, "hey buddy tou cant stay in the entrance the whole time, pay up." then the guy says, "sorry i didnt realize that i didnt have any change im sorry." the bus driver looks extreemly grave as he says this. the driver says, "hey ive got some change in my shirt pocket, reach in and get it." the guy goes to reach in and just as his fingers touch the inside of the pocket the driver brings out a massive buthcers knife and cuts off the guys hand. the guys like, "oh my god..... aaauuuughhhh!!!!!" he keeps screaming as the bus driver says, "thats right **** er!!! thatll teach you to molest little boys!!!!" the guy is ls screaming, what the hell are you talking abooouut!?!!!?? his stub is bleeding everywhere then at the next stop the bus driver pushes him off the bus.his pants and most of his shirt are covered in blood. the guy staggers around a while beofre a cop comes by and says, "hey! what happened here?" the guy is like "ooooog!" the cop gets out and is like, "hey! kids live around here! keep your bodily fluids to yourself!" then he takes out his billy club and strikes the guy in the head. the guys passes out. when he wakes up its too a powerful burning sensation. its bothering him but he wants to rest... but it wont go away so he opens his eyes to see that his arm is being roasted on a hobo fire. "jesus christ!!!" he yelled. and the hobo came into view and its the hobo he saw that moring. then he watches the hobo eat him alive untill the hobo eats his eyes.
wasnt that great?
2006-12-20 01:18:39 · answer #7 · answered by Lucas M 2 · 1⤊ 3⤋
A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks "Why the long face?"
Two nuns in a bath one says "where's the soap?" The other says "Yes it does".
2006-12-20 00:36:41 · answer #8 · answered by Garnet D 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
2006-12-20 00:39:15 · answer #9 · answered by kieren.hipkiss 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Did you hear about the chinese couple who gave birth to a retarded son?
They called him "Sum Ting Wong"
2006-12-20 00:35:29 · answer #10 · answered by Lulu 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋