Parenting advice... for a "widowed" father?

Question

My dad called me today for help with my younger two sisters. (i'm 20 and married) they are almost 11 and 14.

my mother died from cancer 4 years ago (as of jan 2) and he is having some problems.

see, the 14 yr old tends to assume the mommy position, and is also responsible for more household things than the 11 year old. by more, i mean 90%. my dad is feeling really bad.. he doesn't know what to do.

i gave him some ideas on evening out the chore load, that he approved of, but i need some brainstorming here:

1. how can he make the 14 yr old feel more appreciated?
2. how can he even out the chore load?
3. how can he discourage the 14 yr old from trying to fulfill the "mommy" role
4. how can he improve the two sisters relationships? the older of the two tends to have some resentment issues toward the younger and is very mean
5. how can he continue to help them grieve? (aside from counseling)
6. what other ideas do you have, in general..

thanks so much for your input

maybe i should mention.. i can't help out much.. they live in kentucky and i live in utah...

Answer 1

The chores should be distributed evenly. Me and my sister did chores from the time we were 5 years old. Your 14 year old sister is trying to make sure things go the same way your mom had them running. She is trying to keep with routine. This is a normal healing process. Sounds like you might be more of a help to her than your dad. She sounds like this isn't easy for her at all and is having a pretty hard time with your mom's death. It's okay to talk about her mother. As a matter of fact, I would encourage this. When my grandmother died, it was a total devastation. We always talked about the good times we had and never forgot how important she was to us. You might want to do the same thing for your mom. I hope that you will be more in your sister's life now. They are going to need you more than you can imagine. They are both still becoming young adults and your influence is most crucial at this time. There is going to be alot of bad days, but when the good days start coming you will know it's all worth it. GOD bless you and keep you safe.

Answer 2

1. It is hard to make a 14 year old feel more appreciated at this age...puberty has taken a hold on top of the grieving that she doesn't have the mommy figure to talk to about certain issues...maybe you could take over for your mother on these issues...maybe have a "sister" day...and go for some lunch to talk!

2. the 11 year old is capable of more than your dad thinks...as it is unfair for the children to be doing most of the chores...it's unfortunate...but must be done...maybe having Sunday as cleaning day...and everyone pitch in...and then during the week they only have to worry about cooking / dishes...

3. trying to discourage this will be hard. it sounds like your dad works a lot of hours and is not really the talkative / sensitive / motherly type as most men aren't! This will take counseling at best...and time

4. again with #3...counseling is the best bet. Maybe talking with your sister as I added in #1 can be a topic of discussion!

5. grieving takes time and for each one it's personal and each takes their own sweet time! Make sure their are still pictures of mommy in the house and maybe a few with them (separate) placed in their rooms as well. Maybe give something personal that belonged to mommy to each of them and put it in a shadow box or something that they can always remember the good times

Good luck!

Answer 3

Before I answer I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss and hope that all works out well. As for your questions:

1. Have either your dad or you sit down and talk with her. Have him tell her how proud he is of her for being such a great big sister, but let her know that even if she didn't help out as much he would still be appreciative.
2. Have your 2 younger sisters just do the chores that they should be responsible for anyway. Cleaning their rooms, doing their laundry, getting schoolwork done, etc. and also give them a few other small chores each day. Maybe vaccumming or dusting. Just a couple small things like that. Also, give them a couple chores they could do together like washing dishes or cleaning a certain room like the living room.
3. I wouldn't necessarily "discourage" her, but like I said in the first question I would just have him tell her that he would be proud and grateful of her even if she didn't fulfill the "mommy role".
4. As I said in the second answer--have them do chores together. This will help them to work as a team and improve their relationship.
5. Just let them grieve. Let nature take it's course when it comes to things like this. Make sure dad let's them know that he is always around to talk about anything they need to discuss, and maybe even let them know that you are always just a phonecall away if they need to talk.

I hope my advice helped, I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Have a Merry Christmas :-)

Answer 4

if he can aford it, maybe get a cleaner in once a week for a few hours to give the house a real good clean.

if the eldest is not resoncible for all the chores i think she will stop being the "mummy" sooner.

Answer 5

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