My New Improved Religion (now with 33% more salvation) - Gaulibism. Will you join?

Question

The founding tenets of Gaulibism are as follows:
1) There is only one true religion: Gaulibism. All other religions are just plain wrong + stupid. No arguments. Fact. Get over it.
2) Anyone who doesn't embrace "Gaulibism" will have bad luck all their lives and when they die they will have to spend 27 decades in the Hall of Shame where we will all laugh at them. Oh and after that, they will burn for eternity in, lets say, boiling orange juice.
3) Everthing about Gaulibism is true. It's bloody obvious. Don't try to think about it too carefully because that's Blasphemy. Just believe and you'll probably be OK.
4) Try to be nice to everyone. Unless of course they're not Gaulibilists, in which case, do what you like to them. If you really have to kill / rob / commit genocide, that's OK, but only if you proclaim that you are doing so "In the name of Gaulibism".
5) When I am dead, feel free to claim you knew me and make up further stuff and fight amongst each other.

Further revelations have come to me and I shall now dispense them to the great unwashed:
1) Who is God and is he a dude? Gaulibal is God. Any resemblance to any other god living, dead or immortal is entirely coincidental and in fact impossible since every other god has never existed. God is a dude, except on Fridays (hereafter known as Ladiesday) when he is a woman and is quite comfortable with that.
2) Are you hiring at the moment? We have several positions available for Senior Clerics and Prophets. Qualifications in Business Studies and some previous experience in ranting would be an advantage. Candidates with a predeliction for paedophila need NOT apply (I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be quite tough about this).
3) Did he create the earth? Yes, and before you ask, the dinosaurs had their chance and they blew it, hence the whole extinction thing (a lesson for us all there I think).

Answer 1

I must confess one thing. That's a very NICE satire about the reality upon all religion nowadays! I'm not saying Ideal Religion here... I'm saying about reality about religion here! Especially point 5, you're a genious! You know what, any religion in reality (not in ideality!) do all you founding tenets of Gaulibism, with slight variation and modification, of course.(e.g. Islam, Christianity, etc)

But to answer your question... no. I'm not interested. I have my own faith and although it sounds ridiculuos, I'll keep it till death.

Bless you, my Brother....

Answer 2

1)Jesus did not say any one religion was right and all others were wrong- He simply said all must go through Him to get to the Father....many religions have that as a major tenet.
2)Jesus is not going to laugh at anyone who fails to embrace the free gift of salvation He has offered. He did not say you had to abandon freewill either, you have a choice as to whether or not you believe. You simply have consequences for your actions, in other words you will be held accountable for your choices. Sounds fair to me. Do the crime, do the time.
3)You obviosly di not read much of the New testament as a great many of the things Jesus brought about in His teachings came from asking pointed questions and leaving it to the people to discern the answers for themselves.
4)Jesus taught that you are to try to bring God's word to all. However, He also admonished his apostles to shake the dust from their sandals when they encountered a person or group that did not wish to hear as a record of their disbelief.
5)Anyone can claim to be doing things in His name (false prophets). I can go shoot the neighborhood up and claim you made me do it. That is a simple lie. When someone does this they should refer to tenet 2...they WILL be held accountable.
Thank you and have a blessed day!!

Answer 3

Got me own brand of Christian fundamentalism thanks,
Called G's us.
We are so into Jesus that we calls him Jee or G.
Jesus is our mate, he dont let us down.
We believe in biblical sound bites from the new testament
Love God,
Love thy neighbour as thyself,
All men (Including Women) are equal.
The Lord thy God is a jealous sod
Thou shalt have no other gods but him.
When ever three or more believers are gathered together crack open a tinny in remembrance of G.

Get the picture laid back religion,
Real easy, no churches and robes and that malarkey,
No hate, Muslims can go to hell, if they want, not our problem.
Six day shalt thou labour, No knockin off at dinner time friday, work six days have one off, (Just do a bit each day no need for 8 hours work per day, nothing about that in the Bibble)

Answer 4

Where can I join? where can I join? It sounds just right for me! Surely this is the way! And I am just stupid enough to take all this stuff without thinking once!

Answer 5

Now, if you offer a few virgins and eternal life + 2 weeks, you will convert everyone.

Answer 6

33% more salvation or salivation ?

Will I get a free T shirt as well ? A very tempting offer.

Answer 7

You have ripped off all of the other religions in the world. You will be required to pay restitution.

I will ring your doorbell and run away!!!

Answer 8

Peace

Answer 9

I'm a member of the

F irst
U nified
C hurch of
K nowledge and we
K
N
O
W
S

Answer 10

You are a guru of silly.....but at the least you came up with at least a few good things:

the 33%
Gaulism
27 decades
hall of shame
and when you are dead ...
number 5 will not really apply

good manifesto, possibly maybe...erf ...bet cha were having fun thinking of the not happening club though......