My kids live with me and my husband his kids live with their mother and the other is married with kids of her own. For the last year we have had major issues with his kids as when they were down for the summer his son physically assualted my 6 year old and his daughter got mad and busted our tv after weeks of hell we sent them home. We know most of it is their mother nad the way they are raised at home but still we couldn't handle it. Now the holiday is here and we have done our shopping. We took the child support I get from my kids and bought their X-mas with it and as usual put the rest in the bank. My husband and I both refuse to use my kids money to buy his kids gifts. We then went when he got paid and bought his kids a few nice gifts. His kids suddenly appeared the other night to come down for the weekend to see their grandfather that is dying and saw that my kids had more under the tree and now they are mad are we right or should use kids money to even it out?
2006-12-01 23:57:34 · 14 answers · asked by Martha S 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
If the kids were here all the time it would be different but he sends their mom 1400 a month in support and we feel she needs to provide for them just as I don't expect my ex to do it all when he sends me money for our kids. My kids also have more because they asked for simple things like clothes, board games small toys etc while his wants i pods, dvd players and cell phones. Money wise it was all about the same but number wise it isn't. We just want peace and told them it isn't about what you get but family and they got madder. His oldest that is married got one thing but we wiped off a 2000 loan we had given her this summer as her X-mas and she said that was wrong as her father he shouldn't dun her for that money anyway. I am ready to forget the holiday all together.
2006-12-02 00:01:59 · update #1
My kids are 6, 8 and 14 his kids are 24, 13 and 15
2006-12-02 00:17:29 · update #2
If it was me, i would take everything bought for them and return it...They should be happy with anything they get...Put a lump of coal in a stocking and wrap it....
2006-12-02 00:07:11 · answer #1 · answered by ABBYsMom 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, this sounds like a sticky situation. But, I think that you and your husband are right. The money that you get for your kids needs to go to your kids, not his. And I agree with you putting the rest in the bank. Your husbands kids need to realize (although I know that they wont, theyre kid's) that the child support you receive isn't for them. It really is a shame nowadays thats kid's put so much emphasis on what they get for holidays and the like. You and your husband did the right thing by buying his kid's gifts with his money. From what I understand, their mother is still in the picture, so they will be getting gifts from her too. You dont say anything about your kid's dad, so I'll assume that they don't have contact with him. Kids don't understand the concept of money or how much everything costs nowadays. So, they are going to be mad. But, it's something that they will have to get over. Maybe if they're old enough, you can explain to them why your kids have more presents than they do. I know it's a hard position to be put into, but the kids have to learn that it's not always about them. Granted, it is Christmas, but that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone gets equal amounts of gifts. Whatever happened to being grateful to get presents at Christmas time. His kids are probably thinking that he loves your kids more than he loves his own, but only because they don't know the whole situation. I think that the two of you need to sit them down and explain it to them. That's about the best you can do. I wish you luck.
2006-12-02 00:18:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its hard for a child to see the number of gifts that are different for each child and understand that the amount was the same. They as children do not see amount the see number of gifts.
And NOT to be desrespectful to you but you say you are not wanting to buy them gifts because you do not see them that much, that they are at there mothers more. Is that fair on their part.? It is as if you are saying you do not love them as much. They may be seeing that.
Dealing with step children is VERY hard for anyone. Christmas time is even harder because it deals with money and amounts you can or can not spend on everyone.
With your step children I think I would be reluckten to buy them things not because where or where they do not live but more because of the way they have been acting.
DO NOT feel bad for not wanting to buy a gift for someonet that has physically assualted your child. Or someone that has damaged your proporty, you TV.
You could tell those children that you are replacing things they broke and that is why they did not get enough of what they think they should be getting for christmas.
You also need to remind everyone that the reason we have chirstmas is to celibrate the birth of chirst and NOT to GET STUFF.!!
Its hard to say to a child that if they do not like the number of gifts we get then they are not getting any. They will not understand.
But with that understanding you have to start somewhere, with having them understand why they are not getting what they want.
Try a sit down and if you can with there mother and talk to them about things.
Does there mother know about the assualt.
2006-12-02 00:21:54 · answer #3 · answered by LadyCatherine 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They sound like terribly ungrateful children. The one who is married is downright rude and should be grateful for the loan cancellation, even if there wasn't any other gift. That's the last time her father should loan her anything. Since they don't live with you they should get just a few gifts. The majority of gifts should be provided by their mother. You are right to not use your child support for his children. That is a definite NO!! I wish you had said the ages of the two troublemakers. They have absolutely no right to complain about what is or isn't under your Christmas tree. I would want to tell them, if they don't like it, you will return what you purchased for them and there will be NOTHING under the tree for them.
2006-12-02 00:14:30 · answer #4 · answered by Ms. G. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When it comes to Christmas there should be an understanding that it's not what you receive but its the thoughts and time you spend together. His children sound like they are seeking attention. Your husband has made these decisions for a reason. He may feel that they are becoming a issue in a visitation situation. When a child does not show the separated parent the love they wish to have it makes them feel less significant. For a man if he does not feel love it disconnects them from that situation. I am sure he is paying child support to their mother (correct?). He should explain that the things that they will receive at home are a part of what has been contributed by him in one way or another. Remember Santa knows if you have been naughty or nice. By the sounds of it they have been naughty. Do not allow guilt make your decision, it's love and friendship that will guide you.
2006-12-02 00:08:49 · answer #5 · answered by Jeb 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We have two step children, one for each of us, and two of our own. We always give Our own a little more because we are the only family they have and this is their only Christmas. The other two have a whole other Christmas waiting for them at our "Ex's" homes. In your case, It's tough as hell to "even it out". If it were me, I'd tell your ex's to "have your Christmas with the kids and we'll have ours and even things up at your home. Put the burden on your ex's for a change. Also, I mean no offense, but what do you mean by saying "you couldn't handle the kids". That is foreign to me! You and you Husband better start drawing a hard line on these kids, because if you can't handle them now, The Police and The Judges will later on. Get tough! You'll thank God that you did later!
2006-12-02 00:20:04 · answer #6 · answered by SGT. D 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From the details, it sounds like his kids are angry with him, and by extension ith you and your kids. That means, in turn, that nothing you can do will make them happy. Even if you bought them all little red Miata convertibles they would tell you they were the wong color and they hated you.
The way we always handled "You like him more than you like me" at Christmas was to spend exactly the same on each child; my parents did it with us, I do it with my children. Neither my parents nor I had the complications of multiple families, however.
It sounds to me like you shouldn't allow the one who assaulted your 6-year old into the house ever again, unless it is for a two-hour supervised visit supervised by a police officer.
It also sounds like you should make copies of the child support checks for the last year, the forgiven loan, etc., total it all up, circle the sum in red and give a copy to each of his children.
Finally, if you invite his kids to your house for Christmas Eve, Christmas or the day after, it sounds like your kids and any breakable objects should be several blocks away.
2006-12-03 03:27:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one ever promised them a fair Christmas :) I wouldn't spend any more money on kids who have no respect for you or your home or the occupants of your home. Sounds like their mother and them need a good swift kick in the pants. DO NOT spend your kids child support money on them. It's unfortunate when kids in broken families get that infamous chip on their shoulder against the parent who doesn't have physical custody. If their mother is spreading contempt for Dad to the kids, shame on her. It will eventually backfire. I hope you told them they would not be welcome in your home until they apologized and learned how to behave. They need to know that you mean business, demand their respect when they are in your home, and don't try to win any popularity contests. They are testing their bounderies, so it's important that you not cave in. Do not reward bad behavior with presents. You will not gain their respect that way. After awhile, they will undoubtedly need something from you, so just remember who is in control. You are! Good luck!
2006-12-02 00:09:36 · answer #8 · answered by Teresa O 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow what a situation.... firstly i don't think that your children's money should pay for your husband children presents. That money is for your children. You also said that the presents work out roughly to be equal in value, so that sounds fair.
At Christmas time in my family, my Mum and Dad still use to buy one special big present together for us, than one smaller one from them and their new partners separately.
Please remember that his children are just that children. They are most likely jealous that your children live with their Dad. It sounds like they are acting out their anger and you're the easy target for them. Ignore their bad behaviour and praise their good positive behaviour. Give them special time alone with their Dad and never be the disciplinary, leave that also too their Dad, just support your husband's decisions.
My step-mother did just that and we have the best relationship. She is my friend and I'm thankful for that.
2006-12-02 00:24:26 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't think that your husbands children deserve anything. if they are going to be so ungrateful and ruin your holiday then return everything you got them and tell them when they decide to grow up and learn the meaning of that holiday that you'll get them a present.
2006-12-02 00:36:31 · answer #10 · answered by robin k 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋