What to say to my aunt that loss her husband after 20 yrs of marriage? serious answers only plz!?

Question

My aunt and uncle were married for 20yrs, with no kids. My aunt is a christian, my uncle (her husband) died suddenly. He died suddenly on their porch sitting in a chair after working in the yard. The ambulance came and try to revive him on their living floor but he was already gone. My question is what can I say to keep encouraging her to keep her faith in God at this time? It has been a few weeks since this happened and she just wrote me saying she feels like Gods abandoned her. She is lonely and of course heart broken. She said she sees him laying on the floor in the living room and it haunts her. She believes she is falling in a deep depression. She knows the lord.......So I don't want her to get away from the lord because of the depression. She says she prays everyday for strength and to go on another day but.... What can I say to help? Plz I feel like she is falling apart and maybe away from god without him.

Cat thank you for input, and I'm sorry on the loss of your father

Thank you to Kait

Thank you Mand

I am in tears, thank you also whiteh

Thank you scoot, epostle11, and patrick...and all others...I really appreicate you help.

Thank you Nicky

Answer 1

20 years, one week. She should not be alone. She needs someone to stay with her for a couple of months. Or she needs to go stay with someone for a period of time. Not good for her to be in the home alone. Can you arrange something? Chat with her. Let her talk. Tell her, you know she is in a lot of pain. This is a very difficult time for her. Not much you can say, she should be with someone.

Answer 2

I'm answering from an atheist perspective, which might be useful for you considering that your aunt is tending toward a similar path. I feel like trying to push God on her right now, saying he has a reason or whatever, is a bit like saying there are plenty of fish in the sea to someone who was divorced after 20 years. It completely dismisses the person's feelings with a generic statement. Basically, all that it communicates is that you're not really listening. If you want to show her God has not abandoned her, show her by actions and just be there for her.

Answer 3

This is a tough one. I can relate I just lost my Dad a week ago. What others have said to me which has given me the greatest comfort is that I will see him again in Heaven. He was a Christian and I am one. So perhaps share this with your aunt. Tell her God has not abandoned her, it was time for Him to take her husband home. There is no pain, loss, suffering in Heaven. He is not suffering, he is watching over her from Heaven. I would also suggest that you help your aunt see that maybe attending a christian grief group may be helpful due to her depression brought on my her loss.

Answer 4

Keep things positive. Help with things around the house if you can. When she says she prays every day for strength, that is good! Encourage that. That is not depression, it is the only place to get comfort from God. Humor is good too, if you have that talent! Encourage the good memories she has and some that you can share together. Downplay the thoughts of him laying on the floor. That may happen to all of us. Encourage her to make more time for her friends and possibly join seniors for activities. Church activities play an important part of life for Christians, and you could accompany her if you could, to services, etc. God is good! He will give you strength to help your aunt.

Answer 5

One of the hardest things we can face is to comfort a grieving relative. Simply put your arm around her and encourage her by telling her that the Lord took your uncle in his own time and now he wants' her to continue on in life as life is for the living and that he has a plan for her life and that sometimes the Lord uses these situations to strengthen people for the task which may lie ahead. In this way you are letting her see that the Lord needs her.

Answer 6

First of all my prayer is for your aunt. I ask you also to pray for her struggle. Christians believe in the resurrection of body and communion with God at the final day. Each one of us belongs to the same God and is sent for a specific commission which in the end glorifying God. Your uncle, I believe, has finished his vocation in this world and had to go back to God who sent him.
If you know some people who have experienced losing loved ones and have recovered from it, especially Christians, you probably would consider invite them to befriend with your aunt. May God grant her grace to go through this suffering.

In Christ

Answer 7

The bible tells us to weep with those that weep. There is nothing you can say that will help her feel better. Grief is a very painful thing to go through. Just be there for her and make sure she knows that she is loved. It is good that she knows the Lord.

Answer 8

In addition to your consolation and help, I recommend guiding her to the Scriptures that might give her guidance and hope during this difficult time. For though it is surely painful, it is sometimes in these moments in life where we gain our greatest spiritual and eternal possessions. Here are a few good ones...

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4)

35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Rom 8)

9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12)

21When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, 22I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. 23Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. 24You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. 25Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Ps 73)

…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. (Ps 30)

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words. (1Th 4)

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God ; trust also in me. 2In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. (John 14)

God Bless...

Answer 9

Tell her nobody could take away the 20 years of beautiful memories she shared with her husband.

Answer 10

Listen With Your Heart

Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools. Don't worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on listening to the words that are being shared with you.

Your friend may relate the same story about the death over and over again. Listen attentively each time. Realize this repetition is part of your friend's healing process. Simply listen and understand.

Be Compassionate

Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism. Learn from your friend; don't instruct or set expectations about how he or she should respond. Never say, "I know just how you feel." You don't. Think about your helper role as someone who "walks with," not "behind" or "in front of" the one who is bereaved.

Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. Enter into your friend's feelings, but never try to take them away. And recognize that tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the death.

Avoid Cliches

Words, particularly cliches, can be extremely painful for a grieving friend. Cliches are trite comments often intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like "You are holding up so well," "Time will heal all wounds," "Think of all you still have to be thankful for" or "Just be happy that he's out of his pain" are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend's journey through grief more difficult.

Understanding the Uniqueness of Grief

Keep in mind that your friend's grief is unique. No one will respond to the death of someone loved in exactly the same way. While it may be possible to talk about similar phases shared by grieving people, everyone is different and shaped by experiences in his or her life.

Because the grief experience is unique, be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so allow your friend to proceed at his or her own pace. Don't force your own timetable to healing. Don't criticize what you believe is inappropriate behaviour. And while you should create opportunities for personal interaction, don't force the situation if your grieving friend resists.

Offer Practical Help

Preparing food, washing clothes, cleaning the house or answering the telephone are just a few of the practical ways of showing you care. And, just as with your presence, this support is needed at the time of the death and in the weeks and months ahead.

Make Contact

Your presence at the funeral is important. As a ritual, the funeral provides an opportunity for you to express your love and concern at this time of need. As you pay tribute to a life that is now passed, you have a chance to support grieving friends and family. At the funeral, a touch of your hand, a look in your eye or even a hug often communicates more than any words could ever say.

Don't just attend the funeral, then disappear. Remain available afterwards as well. Remember your grieving friend may need you more in the days or weeks after the funeral than at the time of the death. A brief visit or a telephone call in the days that follow are usually appreciated.

Write a Personal Note

Sympathy cards express your concern, but there is no substitute for your personal written words. What do you say? Share a favourite memory of the person who died. Relate the special qualities that you valued about him or her. These words will often be a loving gift to your grieving friend, words that will he reread and remembered for years.

Use the name of the person who has died either in your personal note or when you talk to your friend. Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of your friend's life.

Be Aware of Holidays and Anniversaries

Your friend may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and anniversaries. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Respect this pain as a natural extension of the grief process. Learn from it. And, most importantly, never try to take away the hurt.

Your friend and the family of the one who has died sometimes create special traditions surrounding these events. Your role? Perhaps you can help organize such a remembrance or attend one if you are invited.

Understanding the Importance of the Loss

Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend's life is under reconstruction. Considering the significance of the loss, be gentle and compassionate in all of your helping efforts.

"While the above guidelines in this brochure will be helpful, it is important to recognize that helping a grieving friend will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it.

By "walking with" your friend in grief, you are giving one of life's most precious gifts – yourself."

by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

-Contact your local "Freinds in Grief" chapter. Information is available from any priest, minister, rabbi, imam, or funeral home.