dishonest child?

Question

My husband and I have shared parenting with his 10 year old daughter, she lives with us 3.5 days out of the week and her moms the other 3.5 days. We are having problems with her being dishonest, and have noticed that her mom is sorta encouraging it. See she is is the band and is supposed to practice everyday at home, and I know that when she is with us that she does, although at her moms she doesn't and her mom writes down that she has... and she makes it up on a later date.
My husband and I view this as a problem, because in our eyes its teaching her to be dishonest and that its okay to cheat. How are we supposed to deal with this when her mom is teaching her these qualities!?!

Just to clear things up this situation has nothing to do with exs blah blah blah, we all get along just fine. No she isn't my bio child but I have raised her along with my husband, her mom and her step dad for the last 9 years, and we all are treated equally. There is no resentment with any of us! Thats not the issue! The issue is with the dishonesty that she is being taught.

Answer 1

Has your husband expressed this concern with her mother? Of course on the surface it seems harmless, especially since she's making the time up later. However, in the long run, you're right- it's teaching her to be dishonest. Because you all get along so well and are all doing your part to raise her as best as you can, there's no reason why she shouldn't see all of you as positive role models who are setting a great example for her. Ask your husband to discuss the matter with her privately (not in front of your daughter) in a non-confrontational way. If she's being dishonest, this can be the starting point for the conversation. You all want to make sure that she sees that it's NEVER okay to be dishonest, and you're (he's) afraid that she's going to be confused about the concept if she's not really practicing yet telling her teacher that she is. Your daughter never has to know that the decision came from you guys- her mother can simply enforce daily practice. If the daughter questions her, she can just say that it's important to practice and that they've both been getting lax about it.
Best wishes!

Answer 2

Been there.

Don't worry about what her mom does or doesn't do or what she's teaching your daughter. Teach what you teach and by seeing how the right way is she will make her own choices. She sees the bad and the good. You know the good outweighs the bad...she will too.

Kids have rules at one parents that are different than another's. They are different rules at school and at church as well. They see all the rules, know when to follow which...and learn from them all. Don't stress so much over the ex wife. Do what you know to be best for her.

I've seen the results...it works. We have 3 kids, all grown now.

Answer 3

It is hard situatation when divorced parents don't agree with each other parenting skills my brother in law & his ex wife are constanly yaking in my ear about this. I always tell them if the situation is in need of serious resolve for the parent that is unhappy to ask the other parent out to lunch (food seems to make hard talking easier) w/o each other new husband or wife and w/o child. There they can talk freely. If you do not feel the situation deems that don't allow it in your home, you can not change moms rules unless your husband talks w/ her, even then is not 100%, but you need to say nothing to mom as she will most likely do it more so just to be vendictive. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 4

I think it's stating the obvious, but there's probably not a whole hell of a lot your going to do to make her mom change and see your logic. Focus on what you and your husband can do to encourage honest and positive behavior, which it sounds like you are. I had the same problem with my son after his mom and I divorced and it didn't take me long to figure out that I was causing my self unnecessary stress by focusing on what she might be filling his head with. Once I figured that out, I found my time was better spent focusing on what I could do when he was with me that would hopefully help him to grow into a better person. Good luck.

Answer 5

Your husband needs to talk with his ex about this. It is setting a REAL bad example. If she continues to do it I think he should sit down with his daughter, explain why it is wrong, and ask her not to let her mother do it. This will undoubtedly cause problems with the ex--but that is better than letting the dishonesty go on in silence. By silence you become a partner in it and an enabler.

Answer 6

First and foremost set the example Then express your feelings with her of what she is doing is wrong. Have husband talk to her mother about the situation. Pray for her and her mother in your prayers. Also give her consequences if this happens then this is what will happen and stick to your guns You are trying to help not hurt and love her

Answer 7

Speak with the "lying" mom and tell her your concerns. She must have a reason for lying; work together to come up with acceptable alternatives to acheiving what she wants without being dishonest. Then she can demonstrate the honest method in front of the kid. Chances are the mom is trying to avoid certain consequences (like crap from the school about absences) that really aren't that important- at least not as important as taking responsibility for one's actions and standing up for them honestly.

Answer 8

Just teach her the opposite of what her mother is and try to explain to her that the example her mother is setting is totally wrong.

Answer 9

You cannot do anything about the other mom. Nothing. Sorry. Do your best to:

a) not knock the other mom
b) make your house rules and stick to them
c) teach using the easiest method: lead by example

Answer 10

It's not the child's fault the mother is doing these things, YOUR HUSBAND needs to take this problem up with the child's mother. (note I said your husband and not YOU as this is HIS and another woman's child)